Hula Hips

  • by Drew

A recent trip to the hallowed toy aisles at our local Target inspires and informs this post –

And let me say first that this is not an attack on the overweight. I do that enough, including a good bit of self-deprecation, of course, but today’s words are not the quick weight loss diet variety.

So this message does not just go out to those of ample carriage. Instead, I speak directly to anyone who is

  • Over the age of 14
  • Taller than 5′ 2″
  • Heavier than 100 pounds

Please, if this describes you…please…do not walk up and down the toy aisles with a hula hoop around you as though it is an oversized and particularly rigid belt.

Please. It’s just not right.

Growing up Fast

  • by Drew

I’m not someone who worries too much about my kids surpassing me in the whole technology arena. Not yet anyway. I mean, I know it’s coming, but I have at least a few years. I used to think I had decades, but not after today.

See, it’s still all about the Internet, and that’s what I do. I had a Hayes micromodem in the 80s dialing up the bulletin boards and leaving messages for other kids hiding behind pseudonyms – we called that email. And somehow, in the mid 90s I fell into this business just as it was going somewhere, and I’ve managed to hang on and hang in through a bubble burst and a recession and two terms of Bush.

Now I have my iPhone and I know plenty about WAP and wireless protocols. I’m getting involved in the development of a mobile marketing platform and, of course, I am still elbows deep in Internet applications.

But today, the old desktop computers I have kept around for the kids…well, not enough. My four year old demanded a kids website that his older brother frequents. He needed the arcade and he needed some advanced plugins and the most up to date browser version and Mommy was at the store so her laptop was fair game.

So, yeah, you can just hear it. My four year old pushing my hand away after I typed the URL.

“I can do it, Daddy.”
“But you never used the trackpad…”
“I can do it, Daddy.”
“There’s no mouse, you need to move your finger…”
“I can do it, Daddy.”
“But you can’t read. How are you going to find the games…”
“I can do it, Daddy.”
“Okay, fine. Let me know if you need help.”
“I can do it, Daddy.”

Then, of course, the four year old did it. He mastered the track pad in 6 seconds and would not relinquish the laptop for 2 hours. We had to lure him away with Dino nuggets and chocolate milk.

I wasn’t sure if I should be proud or pissed. Actually, maybe I should be scared, because you know he’s going to be coming for my machine next.

Chunky and the Cukes

  • by Drew

Se we ran into the grocery store for a gallon of milk and a few other things. I was walking with the boys, one on each hand while Mom had the baby in a shopping cart and was doing the real work. And that’s when I witnessed it, something truly gross.

Believe me when I tell you, I have a cast iron stomach most of the time. It is fairly difficult to gross me out. I can handle a lot. But some things are just…unecessary. I will set the scene.

Two oversized girls. Very oversized. One with the undersized hoodie and jeans on a butt so large it is collapsing back in on itself in a sort of unholy flattening. The other was a sassy chunker. She had a shearling lined suede coat that affected a look of trim tailoring, though it did more of a Hindenburg than an hourglass. She was overly made up and walked with a hand up, pinky out. Like Nathan Lane in the Bird Cage pretending to be feminine. Very much like that.

Anyway, Large Subject A, in the hoodie, was talking on her cell phone, a bit over enthusiastic for the Stop and Shop produce section. She was handling the cucumbers, perhaps looking for just the right one. She was also leaning over the cucumbers. Leaning against them, or even into them, really. So much so that when she drew back, her belly pulled a half dozen off the pile. They fell, unnoticed, to the floor.

So the cell phone call is getting heated and there seems to be some big flirting going on (no pun intended that time) judging by the volume and cucumber proximity. Then she did it. She took the two cucumbers she held in one meaty fist and put them under her arm. Right in the stinky pit, like a Hogan’s Heroes Nazi with a riding crop. She switched phone hands, wrote something down, giggled with her friend, and then de-pitted the cukes and returned them to the pile.

Back into the fray, my friends. From that clammy spot under the (larger than my thigh) arm, and right back to the pile. Yummy yummy yummy.

Now I’m trying not to sound reactionary here. I know most people are going to peel their cucumbers. And anyway, they’re so over waxed by the factory farmers that it’s like a Yankee Candle unscented veggie force field. And I know that’s not like they were Avo Cigars or unwrapped bendy straws or whatever, but its a grocery store, not your kitchen with the fridge door hanging open. Can I please appeal to the better taste of all people, large and small, short and tall – please please please do not carry the produce in your armpit. It’s just not right.

Derby Time

  • by Drew

Our first year in Cub Scouts is about to get real. I mean really real. We’re coming up on Pine Wood Derby time. Now, I was a cub scout for a few years when I was a kid and I participated in a couple of these. They were basket-case conventions back then, and from what I understand, man has not evolved in a good direction since then.

There was even a movie (made for TV by the looks of it) that they showed the group. It was all about competitive Dads missing the point, and their little scouts who suffered as a result. Actually, it was pretty cute.

Clearly there is some truth there, though. Some of these guys take it pretty seriously. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure one of the Dads was on his cell phone calling for an auto insurance quote while they were handing out the kits.

Well, hopefully we can do this thing without making fools of ourselves. But really, if we can make a cool looking car that actually runs the course, I’ll be happy. and if we don’t kill each other in the process…true success.

On the Road…Again…Revisited, with baggage

  • by Drew

I wonder how secure these things are (yes I’m still on the RV kick). I mean, with the rock and roll vein pulsing, I think of how secure a van usually is, especially considering having to leave it in public outdoor space on a regular basis. I mean, maybe it’s not perfect, but they have decent metal doors and all that.

What about these RVs? I mean, do they have, like, school bus doors? Those things wouldn’t keep out a 7th grader with a flat head screwdriver and a failing grade in Shop Class. And I’m reminded of those guys I met way back in the day who drove around in a retired school bus they’d painted psychedelic colors. They had a story about driving off with that back emergency exit door open, and half their gear ended up on the road. They told us the story when we asked why they’d welded the thing shut.

I hope they had some of that monkey-proof Samsonite luggage. Do they make monkey proof gig bags?

Yeah, they were pretty much schmucks.

On the Road…Again…Revisited

  • by Drew

With all the RV hunting I’ve been doing of late, I’ve had a lot of questions. Here’s another one – what about motorhome insurance. I mean, these things ain’t cheap. Particularly the RVs that are standalones. The ones you can tow are way cheaper, even the ridiculously huge ones that could sleep that crazy ass family with the 80s mall hair that keeps having babies.

I wonder if you even need insurance for those or if you just get some kind of “crap I tow” rider on your regular auto insurance.

Am  the only one who wonders about this stuff?

On the Road…Again

  • by Drew

So I couldn’t help but do some RV pricing after my last post. Man, the nice ones are swank but they ain’t cheap. They’re like second mortgage if you’re lucky to have a ton of equity priced. I wonder if you they let you get PMI and borrow past 80% after the fact. Maybe I need to be checking mortgage insurance rates.

OK, I’m not serious, of course, but don’t you think it would be awesome to be cruising the highways of America in a $100k sleek ass silver and black swirl-paint-job recreational vehicle. In the words of my 7 year old when excited by an idea, “Oh Sweet Mama!”

Untitled

  • by Drew

I may not know how to beat a traffic ticket.
I may not know how to reduce belly fat.
I may not know how to be a famous rock star.
I may not know how to distill my own bourbon.
I may not know how to drive stick.
I may not know how to finish semi-fictionalized 30-something year old’s pseudo-memoir.
I may not know how to draw comic book heroes.
I may not know how to code php.
I may not know how to start my chainsaw in the winter.

But I tell you, I do know how to make a killer sauce. You need some kick ass spaghetti? Like, spaghetti that makes a fantastic bottle of red like Trefethen or BR Cohn work to keep up with? I’ve got you covered.

Taxing

  • by Drew

Income tax filing time is here! At least for me. I’m not a waiter or procrastinator, I like to get started as soon as possible. I have the basics of my forms in place before I even receive most of my paperwork.

For several years now I have been using Turbotax, and I am a big fan. It is not a perfect system, but it is pretty good. And when I discovered that the tax guy I had been using for years had a program that was essentially the same, I figured I didn’t need him any more. Any way, he always made mistakes. I mean, the calculations were always correct, but he would invariably stick a number in the wrong box and it would delay my returns for months while they moved a subtotal from box 55b to box 55c.

The best part about Turbotax is the user Q&A in a right column as you use the site. the questions asked are often hilarious. The answers are usually correct, and usually culled directly from the pop-up help throughout the site. That is, when the questions are actually answerable.

Some of my favorite recent questions in their entirety:

– What is up with Turbotax this year?
– My divorce is almost final and my girlfriend is unemployed. Can I claim her as a dependent?
– I did my taxes wrong and filed them and my husband is mad at me. What do I do?
– How come Turbotax makes me wait 10 days for my refund? If they can deliver the goods quicker it may be time to use another service.

I’m waiting for something like “What movies are playing at the Duluth multiplex tonight?” or “Can you recommend the best weight loss product for inmates?”

Servicing the Masses

  • by Drew

I’m still a little worked up from that last post. As someone who has spent much of his life working for smaller operations, the assumptions and expectations of certain customers can range from unwieldy to complete unrealistic. I mean, in a small retail operation like the liquor store I was talking about, advanced POS systems are often out of the question. Not only are the upfront costs substantial and prohibitive, but with a business that has a constantly rotating inventory, the overhead involved in keeping it up to date is impractical.

I mean, I know how nice it is to be able to scan things in Target to see if they’re on sale yet and such, but in a small store, can’t you just ask somebody? I mean, in New York it is already a law that everything has to be clearly marked with either a shelf sign or a price tag on the bottle. A few years ago I read about a Wal Mart that was fined heavily for putting out merchandise without properly tagging it. So, isn’t that enough?

© 2026 Drew Bancroft. All rights reserved. Totally.