Fences

Posted on March 6, 2010

Some people say good fences make good neighbors. Others believe that kindness and open communication is best. I’ve met some people with a quiver and a half full of little apostles who still don’t know the first thing about ‘do unto others…’

These days we all sit anywhere we want on the bus, regardless of age, race, religion, or gender. At least in theory, because everyone knows cool kids sit in the back. And the water fountains are for all, and the park benches are for all…be they protected historical benches or modern benches, or fallen trees losing their bark.

Or maybe just the stump.

Listen.

Be sweet. Be sweet. Be sweet. Baby, please be sweet.

getting plowed

Posted on March 4, 2010

On the relatively recent subject of plows and plow drivers – they’re nuts, right? I mean, as a generalization. They’re pretty much totally wacko. Yeah, I know there are a few normal ones out there, but the majority of guys who plow must be bat-poop insane.

This is excluding the guys who plow with back hoes and other heavy machines. They are often in a whole other class. And, of course, anybody who puts a plow on the front of a four wheeler atv. Half of those guys are cowboys, the other half are in the market for tweed sport coats and mac memory.

No, I’m talking about the standard winter sight of rusted out pickup trucks with even more rusted plows, flying out of driveways with no heed for oncoming traffic. They slide around and do donuts in the middle of the road. They bounce off trees, and in large parking lots, sometimes off each other.

I’ve know a few guys who’ve done heavy winter plowing and man, their attitude borders on a death wish. Seriously. I even knew this one guy who wouldn’t plow with any less than a half pint of vodka in him. Often more. He said it kept him loose when there were impacts.

“Impacts?” I asked. “You mean when you hit a pile of snow?”

He just laughed at that, shaking his head at my naivete.

snowblind friend

Posted on March 4, 2010

Lying on the pavement with the misery on his brain -

Steppenwolf quote. Great song. Makes me think about plow guys in these blizzard days.

Okay, it hasn’t snowed too much in the last few days, but we’ve still well over a foot…everywhere. And now I’m reflecting on those heavy snow days and the familiar enemy of the sane: the snow plow driver. In particular I think of the guy who plows the driveway across the street from our. Ours has been paved for a couple years now and I am a snow blowing fiend whenever the powder falls. The drive across the street is gravel, or pea stone, or whatever you want to call it.

I should say, it was gravel. Last year, pretty much the entire length of stone got dumped at the foot of my newly paved driveway. Boy, that was annoying. Our neighbors got the guy to redo their driveway somewhat, but this year he was at it again. Not as much stone ended up in our yard this time, but man, you should see the mounds of snow. No, you don’t see gravel in the snow, you see about an inch of the underlying dirt.

I’m thinking this guy is going to need some life insurance. And not because he drives like a maniac…but because my neighbor, when she gets a look at that…

Blue, Gold and Vroom Vroom

Posted on February 24, 2010

We just had the big Blue & Gold dinner for Cub Scouts. Boy, does this bring me back. I can still remember sneaking bits and pieces of such events from back when I was a scout. I mean, I never progressed beyond Webelos, something like 6th grade for me, but there were some good times.

The B&G dinner is a big family event for scouts, and it’s when most receive their next significant achievement, or the one they’ve been working toward for the year. My little guy got his Wolf badge, looking so good in his uniform. And the penne and meatballs plus salad served buffet style… not too bad.

The best part of the evening – the Native American dance demonstration. It was…illuminating. It gave me a whole new perspective on that snake dance ritual in Billy Jack, too. There’s really nothing I can say that won’t sound like a sleight, so I’m going to just leave it at that.

We still have a couple of good scouting events to end out the year. In a couple of months there’s an overnight trip to a battleship. I’m totally looking forward to that. And, of course, the Pine Wood Derby is only a month away. Our car is shaped and ready for paint. And I’ve already priced high risk auto insurance for the event, so we’re ready to roll.

Is it weird that I’m having more fun with my son as scout then when I was a scout myself?

Mattress Dump

Posted on February 20, 2010

You know that warm feeling I had thinking about the kindness and generosity of people donating their used books to local libraries for fundraising book sales?…yeah, that’s gone.

I mean, I think it’s still really cool that people are willing to donate their stuff to benefit a charity, or people in need. But only when they do it properly. I guess it is hard to screw up library donations. You have books, you put them in an old office supplies box, and tote them to the library.

It’s kind of like the big metal Goodwill donation bins. You know, they put them in parking lots with clear instructions that they’re for clothes and shoes only. If you bother to read the smaller print you see that they ask people to not leave anything around the bins. This is because the owners of the land on which the bins are sitting usually get pissed if there’s a lot of garbage hanging around, and they will have the bins moved.

The instructions ask that you not leave bags of clothes or shoes around the bin if the bin is full. they also ask that you not leave anything else around the bin, like books (we already know the library will take them) or furniture or baby items like cribs and strollers. They are pretty specific.

So can someone tell me who the incredible ass munchers are that leave strollers and cribs and chairs and other huge things around those bins? Come one. How much ass do you have to much for your brain to rot so much that you gleefully dump your old jizzy couch next to the Goodwill clothes and shoes bin? There was actually just such a bin with just such a couch on my way to work, in a little park and ride lot. I noticed a couch and armchair show up about a year ago. Every week for about 2 months I drove by and it was still there. Finally, after two months, the couch and armchair were gone. And so was the bin. Thanks for ruining it for everybody else couch jizzer.

A couple weeks ago we went to a favorite local diner. Toward the back of the parking lot are a couple of Goodwill bins. Leaning against the Goodwill bins were a couple of mattresses. Seriously. Mattresses?Think about it. Somebody had to actually transport that mattress to the bins. Couldn’t they have just gone another mile or two down the road to the town dump? Talk about a super douche.

Used Lit

Posted on February 20, 2010

We’ve had a couple of book sales at local libraries recently, and I love them. I love picking up second hand books for a buck or less, giving them a good home where they will be loved and read over and over. And it’s great for the kids, especially my second grader, who is both an avid and an accomplished little reader.

I love pawing through the texts, discovering little gems I never knew existed. Maybe even better is finding the books I read as a kid. Often a little musty smelling, and in the same editions I read back then. But who cares – Superfudge is Superfudge. What could be better?

And I can’t help thinking about the little old ladies who were probably relatively hot young Moms when I was reading Encyclopedia Brown and The Three Investigators. Now they’re loading their grown kids’ old books into boxes with Aerobics videotapes and the best personal budget software on Apple-formatted floppy disks that 1987 had to offer.

It’s a great big giant ass circle, ain’t it?

OTR

Posted on February 19, 2010

Seriously? You’ve never listened to Old Time Radio? What about Abbott and Costello, Who’s on First. That’s a Camel cigarettes classic. And the Shadow…you’ve never heard the Shadow? Holy crap, man, those old Orson Welles episodes were legendary.

I love the old radio shows. There’s something so magical about radio. For decades, radio ruled. Most shows had one sponsor, sometimes with an addition public service announcement. Maybe a call to all Americans to consider investing in War Bonds (later Savings Bonds). Great stuff, kids. Great stuff.

Of course, today, we’d probably have a variety show hosted by Tonya Harding and Ashlee Simpson, with guest interviewer Courtney Love sitting down with Norman Mailer. It would be sponsored by some acne serum or the 2 volume DVD set, Best of Fox Reality Television from the last 20 years (and the second disc is mostly previews for upcoming new Fox Reality shows).

Yeah, we’d pretty much screw it up. Considering the recent rash of Hollywood remakes of everything from Halloween to The In-Laws to Pelham 123 to The Bad News Bears to Fame to the Manchurian Candidate… Yeah, let’s keep the idiot media-makers as far away from these classics as possible. We can just enjoy them with earbuds. Shhh. Don’t tell.

Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar

Posted on February 19, 2010

The exciting adventures of the man with the action packed expense account, America’s fabulous freelance insurance investigator, yours truly, Johnny Dollar.

Expense account submitted by special investgator Johnny Dollar. Following is an account of expenses incurred during my investigation of the chunky affairs matter.

I shaved, showered, put on a clear shirt and tie and spent item one, $1.35 on a cab to Teddy Lightweight’s office.

Item 2, $27 for a cup of Starbucks coffee and a copy of The Big Barista Picks Sambas to Get Caffeinated With on compact disc.

Item 3, $18 for the best eye cream in Hartford, CT to mask my hollow, sleepless eyes.

Item 4, $1 toll for the Kingston Bridge toll back to this side of the river, the side of the river where she lives. The lady in question. The cold, calm and calculating female who is invariably more deadly than the male.

In the parking lot of the Grocery Store I realized the need for items 5 and 6, $18 for a 12 pack of Twisted Tea and $4 for a metal nail file, just right for a lady’s purse.

Item 7, $3.50 for the generic brand adhesive bandages I used to stop the bleeding after shotgunning half a dozen malt beverages and stabbing myself blind. Don’t judge me. If you saw those behemoths making out on the dropped bed of that rusted out Ford pickup. All that writhing flesh. The guy with a plumber crack large enough to warm one of my 12 ounce tasty bevvies. The she-beast with parachute-sized bikini panties showing, a tramp stamp larger than my head.

Item 8, $45 emergency room copay. Hey, it’s a good thing I’m an insurance investigator and actually have health coverage.

What, am I the only person left who listens to Old Time Radio?

Redesign

Posted on February 19, 2010

I was in the shower the other morning and had a thought. No, this is not another plea for better weight loss programs. It was while I was shaving a small spot on my bicep so I can share in the whole temporary tattoo thing with the kids. Unfortunately, it is the only place on my body, other than the back of my hand, that I can put one.

So I contemplated this form, this hairy, hairy form. This body that looks like the jacket photos of Kiss band members on the Crazy Nights record, back when man-fuzz was big. And as I thought about it, I realized that you would have to be a total imbecile not to see a direct evolutionary connection between chimp and man. Seriously, I’m like a poster boy for Darwin’s big theory.

And seriously, there is nothing about this design that anyone with half a brain could label as intelligent.

Hula Hips

Posted on February 19, 2010

A recent trip to the hallowed toy aisles at our local Target inspires and informs this post -

And let me say first that this is not an attack on the overweight. I do that enough, including a good bit of self-deprecation, of course, but today’s words are not the quick weight loss diet variety.

So this message does not just go out to those of ample carriage. Instead, I speak directly to anyone who is

• Over the age of 14
• Taller than 5′ 2″
• Heavier than 100 pounds

Please, if this describes you…please…do not walk up and down the toy aisles with a hula hoop around you as though it is an oversized and particularly rigid belt.

Please. It’s just not right.

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