It’s in the blood…

  • by Drew

I went to the dentist today for my 6-month cleaning. I was in pretty good shape over all, but I had a little bleeding of the gums. What does it mean? More flossing, and better flossing. Like, under the gums flossing. Fun fun. But it works. I’m a believer. And anyway, haven’t you seen any of those reports about minor infections? Apparently if you have any kind of high blood pressure or heart disease or anything like that, these little infections travel around in your blood and make it worse. Seriously, like it can make your heart explode, or your brain, or something. Dude, that would suck. What should you do? Lose weight, floss your teeth, cut down on salt, avoid high fructose corn syrup, maybe pick up some diet pills here….maybe…you know, stuff like that.

Oh yeah, and drink red wine. And chug olive oil. Wine and olive oil. Maybe some of that lycopene. Rock on.

Good luck.

Beached

  • by Drew

Last summer we went to Raleigh to my brother’s summer house. We had  a blast. North Carolina – woo hoo! But while many people sport those OBX stickers, we’ve never headed that way. Not yet anyway. Of course, if Carolina Designs wants to make me a happy soul, they might send me to their kickin’ beach house. Who wouldn’t love a week at a vacation home with a private pool hot tub, twice as many TVs as I have family members, and a Volleyball net. Seriously. A volleyball net.

We did a lot this summer, and a mega beach vacation took a back seat to all the other stuff we did, but next summer…yeah, I could see digging one of these Outer Banks beach rentals. And man, the kids would be in their glory. Let’s go down the list:

1) Beach – what kid doesn’t love playing in the sand? I know my kids dig it.
2) Ocean – You ever spend so much ime playing in the waves that when you take a shower later on and close your eyes you can still feel the waves crashing over your head? If not, you have not played in the ocean enough.
3) Pool – More swimming? With my kids…damn straight.
4) Volleyball – this would probably be a bust after some failed net activity in the front yard last spring, but just this week I learned that my 3rd grader is playing Volleyball in Gym class, so…cool.
5) Hot tub – hey, the kids have to go to bed at some point, right?

Yeah, brother, I’m thinking this house is for me. Maybe next summer. Just maybe. It’s going to be cold winter weather soon and that may be just what I need to get through.

Spottier

  • by Drew

In remembering my spotty condition this summer, I also remember something I heard a lot. There’s a lot of advice, and a lot of possibilities, but it seems hard for people to find treatments for rosacea. They are out there, and they work for some people, but I guess everybody’s skin is different. And for that matter, everybody’s rosacea is different. Of course, my rosacea was temporary and viral, so the only thing for me was a course of steroids and a whole big lot of waiting and waiting and waiting.

Spotty

  • by Drew

At the beginning of the summer I got covered in spots. I thought it was poison ivy,but no. It was some weird viral rosacea thing. And I mean, seriously, I was covered. And it was nasty. And I still have traces of it, believe it or not. Man, you wouldn’t believe the scarring that is still hanging on. Maybe by next summer it’ll be clear. Who knows.

Nobody really notices anymore, but in its prime, man, I heard a lot of nonsense. On the one hand I got a story from a dude who thought it was psoriasis, saying I shouldn’t worry if it was because his psoriasis kept him out of Vietnam. On the other hand I had a woman suggest I spread mayonnaise on it. And of course, I got all the advice about one a day vitamins and distilled water cleansing and the healing power of the routine colonic. From strangers, no less. I’m surprised I didn’t get the Big Fat Greek Wedding advice of spraying it with Windex.

Oh wait, I did get that advice, but I have to be honest, it was just my wife making a joke.

Dr. Happy’s Good Time Kickaboo Joy Juice

  • by Drew

Talk about a bummer – the baby slept over at Grandma’s for the first time ever. Not just the first overnight at Grandma’s, but actually the first time ever that she’s been anywhere without Mommy and Daddy. I was, needless to say, rather psyched. I was ready for a kickin’ night of sleep, but there was a disruption. Thus, the bummer.

Maybe I’m just used to waking up all the time when the baby cries, but last night…man, my arms just kept falling asleep. Seriously, I woke up in the middle of the night with my arms all pins and needles. My elbows were aching, serious joint pain. What was that all about? Was I laying still for too long? Too much rest?

Could it be time for glucosamine chondroitin msm? Then again, the classic remedy might be in order – good old G&T. Yup, gin and tonic. It’s the quinine. It relieves joint swelling and it is a primary ingredient in tonic water. Thus, the name, right? Tonic indeed.

heard it all before

  • by Drew

At the store today there was a guy so ridiculously huge it reminded me of an old Adam Sandler recording. He did a bit on a guy called Fatty McGee (or something like that) who started wheezing so bad after minor exercise (a flight of stairs) hat he set off the fire alarm. Or something. I don’t really remember the bit because, frankly, I never thought it was very funny. I mean, great humor usually has some bit of truth…that’s what makes it funny.

Today at the store, however, it all came around for me. I guess it’s a time for such connections. A few days ago I was remembering my joke about Rihanna special-guesting on the next Eminem female abuse track only to discover these two geniuses made my dumb joke a reality. Now, today, at the store, I experienced Fatty McGee first hand. No, he did not set off any alarms with his wheezing, but damn, this dude needed to sink in to the glucomannan. Seriously, he was walking around the store, not even up or down stairs, and he sounded like my tractor when I throttle it down to turn off the engine.

The End is Nigh

  • by Drew

I was up early the other morning with my baby girl and made the mistake of watching television. As I have mentioned before, we only just got cable TV service back after more than a year of blissful broadcasting silence. DVDs and Netflix on demand coupled with high speed internet was more than adequate for my viewing needs, thank you very much, but the evil douche -charmers at Verizon screwed us on a bait and switch…but I digress.

So, instead of squeezing fresh lime juice in my 5:30 am eyeballs, I turned on the television. Burning citrus-vision would surely have been preferable. A ray gun to the temple would be quicker but the closest thing to Star Trek ordinance I’ll ever get my hands on is a xerox phaser 8560.

Inside of five minutes I saw this: Nicki Minaj playing dyslexic samurai over an Annie Lennox loop, her lover doing the melodramatic “NOOOO!” scream over her body as her voice in its digital massage chair of Cher effects repeats “Your love” in a slow-motion Tommy Gun of blandness. Seriously, is this music or Chinese water torture?

I flipped to see a Bible thumper shouting quotes about how God wants you (I guess he was talking to me) to be wealthy and materialistic. and here’s why: In Genesis, God told Adam and Eve to go forth and be prosperous (after he took all their goodies away and made them put on clothes to hide their shameful junk). Clearly, God was telling them they need 3000 square foot homes with swimming pools, Hummers and Beamers in the driveway. Oh yes, of course.

And by the way, did you know that only God can multiply? There was an obscure, unrelated quote that he twisted to this end (so go bit it, Science geeks). The point? If only God can multiply, and you have something you want to multiply, you have to give it to God. And just in case he was being to obscure, he clarified with a VERY literal example. If you have money and you want it to multiply (and remember, this is what God wants you to do…in fact, he demands that you do it, check Genesis) you need to give it to God. And he’ll multiply it for you. Really. But since you probably don’t have an account at the Bank of God, you can just send it to our buddy the TV preacher and he’ll get it to God for you. Please wait 6 to 8 months for you money to be multiplied. Keep an eye out for that Fed Ex from heaven.

So, half deaf and thoroughly disappointed in the pseudo-religious, I flipped to yet another music channel to see Eminem singing about beating up his girlfriend because he loves her so much and she’s such a bitch but he loves her and he’s going to tie her to the bed and set her on fire if she tries to leave her again. All of this with that Transformers leg-spreader slap fighting with some wife-beater wearing schmuck.

The funny part? I actually made a joke about this a while back and…they did it. Eminem, in his newest anthem about violence against women is joined by none other than <<drumroll please>> Rihanna.

Dude, you can’t make this shit up.

If you like it then you shoulda put some…

  • by Drew

It’s not just raccoons in bow ties that I’m looking for. I mean, yeah, catching site of a raccoon in a bow tie would rock. I’m not going to lie to you. But a giraffe with a nice necktie wouldn’t be bad. Of course, I’m not likely to see a giraffe in my neighborhood any time soon, so maybe that’s a bad example. Maybe we can just buy a whole mess of wholesale diamonds and glam up the local wildlife. Imagine a big fat, black crow covered in shiny, glittery gems, like he just lost a fight with a Bedazzler. If you can do it to a jean jacket, you can do it to a big black bird, and believe you me, that’s bling you could really CROW about.

Hah!

Dressed For Success

  • by Drew

You know what you just don’t see enough of these days? Animals wearing bow ties. I mean, I’m not asking for too much, am I?  Once in a while I’d just like to see an animal, in its natural habitat, putting on the ritz a little. He doesn’t have to wear a tuxedo. She doesn’t have to wear a ball gown. I just think that once in a while it would be really great to see a raccoon with a bow tie. Usually you see him scrambling into the sewer, he turns and looks at you before slipping out of site, those eyes glowing opaque yellow from your headlights. It’s not the prettiest or most welcoming thing, but if he was wearing a little bow tie…don’t you think that would be a little better?

Going Public

  • by Drew

Tomorrow is the day – read comic in public day, that is. I mentioned it a few days ago. Tomorrow is the day. A pile of comics, a park bench, or maybe one in the mall. Something like that. I need to find a place that I can get my read on with the kids in tow, so it may not be a major showing…but it will be a showing. No life-sized card board cut-outs, sexy costumes or Batmobile rides

Maybe in the Mall Food Court.

My 8 year old can read a comic to my 5 year old. Maybe Super Hero Squad or a Marvel Adventures Super Hero issue. I have a couple of Spider-Mans and one with Dr. Strange teaming up with Spidey. I’ve also got a print out of Brave and the Bold from the DC Comics kids site.

Carol will probably read Fables or Madame Xanadu. That’s right, I’ve done it. I’ve succeeded in getting her interest in the comic medium duly sparked. Maybe she’d even like that first issue of The Goon Dark Horse just reprinted.

As for me, I’ll have to keep it real with some GI Joe, one of my favorite all time titles. What else? Definitely Green Hornet – probably one of the mini-series from Now Comics in the 90s. What else? I suppose I should go all out and represent with some super-hero stuff. Hmmmm. Maybe a Wolverine one-shot? Or maybe I’ll re-read the first few issues of Birds of Prey. Maybe I’ll even get that one on Carol’s short list. It is really one of the best super hero titles I’ve ever read. Up there with X-Factor. Great stuff.

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