Ride ’em Cowboy!

  • by Drew

All this talk about birthdays has me remembering a couple years ago when the family took me to Texas Roadhouse for my birthday. I love this place, and they’d just opened up in Kingston. We presented a free appetizer birthday couple and one thing led to another. Ultimately, I had to ride the birthday bull.  don’t know if that’s what they call the thing, but I like how it sounds so I’m going to call it that: Birthday Bull. (Now it’s a proper noun…who says there’s no such thing as evolution.)

Anyway, the bull is a sawhorse of sorts with a big saddle on it. And judging by some of the other victims…I mean birthday revelers… I have seen over the years, it is now surely sticky and half-price margarita encrusted with a thick layer of margi-salt and peanut dust. Still, it was fun. I sat on the saddle with burning cheeks and the whole staff yee-hawed for me.

In retrospect, though, it would have been cooler if the thing had a motor. Or maybe a little track and a mini cow like that calf-roping practice machine on Pawn Stars. Then I could load up on hgh supplements and protein powder shakes and rock that buckin’ bronco till the cows come home. Or until the calf gets roped. Really, either would be fine with me.

Area 51

  • by Drew

I know, I know…I post aout my dear wife’s birthday and everything goes to poop. Literally. Some men will start thinking about candy, luxury sheets, flowers and Axe body spray. Me? I go the douche route. I talk more about the human hindquarters than a bunch of aliens at an autopsy convention – ButtCon 2011 at the Javits…perhaps you’ve heard of it?

Anyway, waste of space that I may seem to be, I do know my wife finds me occasionally funny and might even appreciate this foray into comic cavity cleansing. Well, maybe appreciate is not the right word. How about…tolerate?

Birthday Girl

  • by Drew

It’s my lady’s birthday today, so you know what that means…

Yup, I went on a shopping spree. Body spray, candy flavored lip gloss and natural colon cleanser for everybody! Woo-hoo! Pass the coffee enema, baby. As always, when I think of cleaning the body fantastic, I recall the Super Stop and Shop in Hadley when I was in college. Right near the exit was a bunch of health and hygiene related items. My favorite was the box that contained a combination douche and enema kit.

Really? I mean, I don’t know everything, but  do know those are two personal services I would prefer to keep isolated. And since the package price was something like twelve bucks, I think I would just rather lay out an extra dime and two than blow serious cash on gallon after gallon of bleach cleaning my combo apparatus.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Birthday Carol!

Cutting the fat

  • by Drew

I just saw a piece on MSNBC about reality shows that focus on overweight people. The story was addressing concerns that these shows exploit overweight people to get ratings. Well…duh. Of course they do. Who wants to watch skinny people work out? Or skinny nobodies dancing? I for one will watch no dance competition that does not feature one of the following:

1. Washed up former child actors
2. 80s glam metal has-beens
3. Really really fat people

Defenders of the programs claim the viewing audience is identifying with “people like me.” A representative of an organization whose name I didn’t totally get but was something like Organization for the protection of fat people (and yes, the word fat was in the name of the org) said she believes these people are being exploited. The overweight people I mean. She believes these shows are allowing or even encouraging the audience to make fun of these overweight folks.

I agree. As she pointed out, it is not realistic for everyday overweight people to exercise 8 hours a day with personal trainers barking at them the whole time. Private dietitians are not available to your average person. Then again, you probably wouldn’t have much of an audience if you were just handing out rapid weight loss pills. I mean, maybe you have two or three episodes.

Of course, you could probably have a holiday follow up at the methadone clinic…

God Sues Sheep Dogs

  • by Drew

Yep. You heard it here first. Unless you were flipping channels a couple minutes ago like me and the wife were. Then you might have flipped past a TV preacher getting his evangelical on. I don’t know if vehement preaching will help you burn belly fat, hit the lotto, or get into that uber SUV you’ve been eyeing, but I know this – God sues sheep dogs.

Correct. The preacher said it on TV so it must be true. I mean, not only was it stated by a “man of God” but it was on television. We know that television never lies and men of God are above reproach, so…it’s true.

No, I’m not sure what it means. Nor do I know what it had to do with the shadow in the valley where the devil backs you up and backs you up and backs you up but he can only back you up so far before you hit mercy. Go sues sheep dogs.

Crafting Grannies vs. Comic Geeks

  • by Drew

No, I’m not suggesting a superstar Family Feud grudge match…though it could be fun. Actually, I am reacting to my recent Sheep and Wool Festival visit. The S and W Festival has been going on in Rhinebeck for ages, but in recent years it has become a kind of frou frou chi chi event. Among other things, that means lots of douche bag blowhards from Manhattan.

And other places too. People travel from far away, and many of them are quite pleasant. Unfortunately, enough of the people in attendance are douche-y that it can ruin it for everyone.

The biggest problem? The number of nasty looks and behind-my-back comments about the fact that I was pushing a stroller. My little girl is seriously cute. You have to be a freaking martian bent on the destruction of Earth not to smile at her, let alone actually scowling at her. Yeah, these crafty middle aged women are nasty. So are the 20-somethings. And to boot, at least 30% of these women are themselves wider then the stroller I was pushing. Seriously.

The event setup added to the problem. There are several barn outbuildings where they had vendors and such, and these had little photocopied signs that said No strollers in barn. Next to this message was a sign that said Stroller parking. And under every stroller parking sign was 1 to 3 trash cans. And often, next to these trash cans was 1 to 3 people smoking.

Look, if you’re going to have an event that is not kid-friendly, don’t subtitle it the Family Fun Festival and advertise that it is fun for the whole family. Instead, charge admission for children rather than having it free for kids under 12. We would have just left them home and it would have been fine. Instead, we were irritated and frustrated and felt like we didn’t belong.

Now, back to the reason for my title. See, last week at Comic Con at the Javits, there were probably 3 times as many people in a much tighter and much smaller, entirely indoor space, and it was so much more pleasant. Yeah, the crowd got old and after our multiple successes in getting free comics and key autographs, we were ready to leave. We didn’t feel unwelcome or chased out…we were just ready to go. At the Sheep and Wool/Family Fun Festival, however, we felt like second class citizens smeared in non-sheep poop.

So what should you take away from this? In my opinion it is this: If given the choice between attending a massive public event primarily attended by either middle aged women who do arts and crafts or 20-somethings who live to play xbox 360 waiting for the next Jackass movie to hit DVD, go with the gamers. Every time. Every single time.

The Future is Here

  • by Drew

Have you failed to go 100% paperless? Are you still shredding bank statements and credit card bills? Get with the program, dude. That’s old school identity theft protection. You need to think about the future. Now you can get RFID blocking wallets to protect you and your new credit card with its onboard RFID chip. Pretty freaky, huh? People can steal data from a chip in your pocket you probably didn’t even know about. Terrifying. What’s next? I’m hoping for an alien brainwave radar jammer to keep those pesky little green men from stealing my ideas and selling them to television writers in Hollywood.

Dressed For Success

  • by Drew

At the New York Comic Con I was really digging a lot of the people who dressed up. There were way too many pudgy chicks with random anime-inspired pseudo costumes – fuzzy cat ears and mini-capes were popular. But some people really did it up. I saw a husky Scarlett who gets bonus points for dressing up because she was with a really good Snake Eyes. I saw two great Baroness costumes, and one of them was accompanied by two Cobra soldiers. I saw two good Deadpools and a number of kids dressed as Mario (yeah, Luigi’s brother). I saw zombies and a couple Hit Girls. I saw robots and ninjas and a guy dressed like a tank. There were a whole bunch of super heros, too, and some were pretty good.

After the fact, I’ve seen a great number of photos from other days of the convention, and some of the costumes were incredible. There was a Sue Storm who looked like she stepped right off a comic cover. There was a really good Thor, there was a woman who was a kickin’ Loki. And then…there’s this picture I saw of a woman in a cape. She has a sort of black leotard and a mask and a cape. I’m not sure who she’s supposed to be…no insignia or anything. She’s just 110 pounds overweight, smiling and acting super…sort of. I couldn’t quite figure it out. There was this excellent Sue Storm on the one hand, and then this enthusiastic…super chick of some sort. I’m not making fun of her. I was just confused. I guess some people are meant to dress up like hot comic book stars and some are meant for IT jobs.

Fortress of Solitude

  • by Drew

I went to the New York Comic Con this past weekend and it was so good. Got some autographs, shook some hands, took a picture in front of the Black Beauty from the upcoming Green Hornet flick with some hotties, grabbed a couple bags full of comics and had a grand old time. It was way better than most of the trade shows I’ve gone to in the past. Yeah, some of those late 90s Internet shows and Mac shows were pretty sweet. I seem to remember some bungie jumping in Boston, but that was so long ago.

Most of the shows I went to back in the day were in and around home building, automation and high-end home theater. There was some fun stuff to see there, too, though I was working at those shows. One of the most impressive shows was one the National Association of Home Builders did. There were companies that would actually go to the hall and build houses. At one show somebody even built a replica of the Simpsons house. It was pretty wild.

So that got me thinking. Maybe DC comics should have taken a page from the NAHB show. They could have checked out some steel buildings, found something ultra cool and appropriate and erected it in the middle of the Javits Center. Then they just need a guy in a red cape to call it home for the weekend and they’ve got the best booth at the show…the Booth of Steel!

Buy.com netbook

  • by Drew

I remember when I was looking for a new machine for my wife, back when the baby was just about due. I thought hard about those netbooks. They were cheap (some still are when you see the deals at places like buy.com) and they were small and light and did the basics – she needs to write and surf the web. Netbook=perfect, right? Instant on, solid state, no nonsense…right? Just like those old CE machines that never quite took off, but without the bloat of Windows.

And then they started shipping them all with Windows. WHY! They went from instant on to long ass load time – as much as 10 minutes to boot on some models. And the slightly pared down version of Windows still added more than 50% to the cost. Oh well. Another good idea killed by greed. Sigh.

By the way – I got her a smaller laptop instead. Full capabilities and only about 3 ounces heavier and $60 more than a Windows-loaded netbook. So there.

© 2026 Drew Bancroft. All rights reserved. Totally.