In the early 80s I was a big fan of GI Joe. I read the Marvel comic, I watched the cartoon and I played with the action figures. I loved it. Loved, loved, loved it. The cartoon was fluffy but comforting in that everyone fired laser guns and good guys shot the bad guys’ guns out of their hands. No real bloodshed, no lost sleep at night. The comic, penned by Larry Hama, was far grittier and rife with drama. It was harder and harsher and somewhat authentic. Lately I’ve been reading the comic again, for the first time in about 15 years, and I am enjoying it quite a bit. Excellent bedtime reading.

The recent surge in GI Joe popularity has been great for the kids too. While all the tanks, jeeps and other vehicles of my youth were “lost” many years ago by my Mother, at least she kept the figures. So now my boys are playing with my 20 year old GI Joe figures, in combination with a few new ones we got them for their birthdays. They are loving it, and Jake in particular is a huge fan of the old TV show.

I took Jake to the new GI Joe movie at the drive in last week, a double feature with Shorts. He was ecstatic, probably more about the fact that he stayed up until midnight than anything else, but still…we had a blast. I didn’t love the retelling of GI Joe history. Some of the back stories they created were alright, and they definitely had some nods to the old school storyline, but Snake Eyes taking a vow of silence rather than having his face blown off in the Vietnam war? That was weak. And the guy playing Duke was a total douche. Maybe he was eye-candy for the ladies, but he could barely deliver a line. Not that I expect Oscar-worthy performances in a summer action flick, but dude, get the freaking marble out of your mouth. Nevertheless, when you want a sweet high-def action experience riddled with bad heavy metal and big explosions, this is a primo choice for you plasma screens on their plasma mounts in your plasma-loving home theater rooms.

Here’s the thing, though. After all these years of thinking GI Joe was just a Hasbro construct – a toy maker’s avenue to billions is sales – I have finally learned the truth. I have discovered proof that it’s all real. Really really real.

Well, actually, my proof is related to the terrorist organization that the covert GI Joe team was created to bring down. Yup, Cobra. I’ve figured it out. They’re real. DUDE! COBRA IS REAL.

Now, I realize that I am putting myself in an awkward situation here, but the world must now. I am sure that Cobra has legions of Tech-Vipers scouring the Web for just this sort of exposure. I’m equally certain that they will attempt to hack in and delete these words, destroy the evidence and silence me. So, you may want to take a screenshot and/or print this out, just in case.

So here it is, proof-positive, thanks to a random spam I just received. I just received an email from “Cobra Gas & Oil” in Boca Raton, Florida. It seems Cobra Gas & Oil not only wants to sell me heating oil and related products, they also want me to consider investing in their stock. Holy poop! When the hell did Cobra go public?

Breaking News for Cobra Oil & Gas Co. 

HOUSTON–(BUSINESS WIRE)–Cobra Oil & Gas Company (NASD OTCBB:CGCA) (hereafter “Cobra”) An updated research report has been issued on Cobra Oil & Gas Co. by Cohen Independent Research Group, Wall Streets leading independent research firm, building off of July 21, 2009s initial report. The latest report includes Cobras expansion of its Utah Oil Sands prospect and the addition of additional acreage, equating to a long-term price target of $4.42.

Is this why they were so quiet during the 90s? Geez, people still knock the Clintons but you have to look at the facts. The economy was so freaking good under Bill Clinton that even Cobra was making too much money to think about crime. Cobra Commander was like, “forget about all those silly Terror-Dromes in the Middle East and get into the market. that’s where the real cash is at.

But then you had 8 years of Bush-enomics and all that anti-stem cell research nonsense. Professor Mindbender must have thrown a tizzy with his genetic research being blocked on all fronts. No way to get Serpentor back in the fold without some serious cloning…maybe health care reform will get him back on track. And if not, if he finally gets fired for failure to deliver, he can always take the COBRA insurance continuation option.

Something else to consider: the address. Boca Raton. Roll that around in your head a little and remember some of the classic old Cobra fronts:

– Arbco Brothers Circus
– Broca Beach, NJ
– A.R.B.C.O. Industries

Note the emphasis on silly anagrams.  The minds behind Cobra are truly masters of devious jumbles. Now think Boca Raton and what do you get? COBRA ATON

Yup, Cobra Aton. What does it mean? Well, once you see “Cobra” and “a ton” you know it can’t be good. But when you use this little thing called the internet you discover that Aton is a solar deity declared by Amenhotep IV to be the only god, represented as a solar disk with rays ending in human hands. Now we all know that Cobra has messed with worldwide weather in the past. Isn’t there terrible plot obvious?

By increasing American reliance on fossil fuels provided by Cobra Oil & Gas Co. through calculated marketing plans liek the very email I received, they intend to not only deplete the planet of its natural resources, but also generate increased emissions that will result in speedier deterioration of the ozone layer until solar rays penetrate our atmospheric defense and reach down, very much like human hands, and strangle our very life force with sunny, sunny heat.

And why would they go to such lengths? To sell us some shade. Those terrible terrible bastards.