There’s this pickup truck we keep seeing in the parking lot of Target with a decal of Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) urinating on the number 24. Carol and I have had a grand old time laughing about how the guy who drives that truck must really hate Kiefer Sutherland’s character Jack Bauer on the TV show 24. We pretend we’re that guy, stumbling around the mall mumbling, “Fuckin’ Jack Bauer, I hate that Jack Bauer. Gonna piss on that mother fucker.”

And then we laugh and laugh.

Now I know that the 24 really refers to Jeff Gordon of NASCAR fame. I know that this redneck is fan of somebody (or perhaps everybody) other than Gordon. Or he just really hates DuPont. And I’m not calling him a redneck just because he likes NASCAR or just because he drives a dented pickup with ridiculously over sized tires, or just because he has a Calvin pissing decal, or just because he has 4 or 5 other decals of naked women with devil tails. I am calling him a  redneck for ALL of these reasons.

Did you ever notice that you don’t see a lot of Calvin pissing stickers in the Starbucks drive-thru? I don’t want you to think I’m being elitist, or that I’m making fun of NASCAR fans or Starbucks customers. In my opinion, NASCAR fans and Starbucks customers are equally deserving of my attacks.

Actually, I recently discovered a little known fact about Starbucks. It’s actually a federal law that the interior of every Starbucks location is legally part of Seattle. Much as an American Embassy on foreign soil is legally part of the United States, the Evergreen State extends its rules and regulations to every SB barista station in America.

Knowing this, it becomes clear that the real reason a true NASCAR fan avoids Starbucks is that he knows when the inevitable superfan fisticuffs ensue, he will be forced to hire a Seattle injury lawyer to represent him, and that would just create a real pain in the butt when he has to do his taxes. That’s why he will choose to buy his coffee at a mini mart connected to a gas station. And, incidentally, that is a good place to pee.

Now if we can just get Calvin and Jeff Gordon together at the Quik-Mart…