I’ve been kvetching with a coworker over the past few days about how chunky we’ve become. I mean, I have said before that I want to jump back on the South Beach wagon and trim up like I did last year, but even so, I feel like there’s so much weight in my face that wasn’t there when I was younger. I was joking about how my kids must have a total different perspective about how I look because they’re so much shorter than me and I’m always looking down at them and you know how you can get all puffy cheeked when gravity is working against you.

Maybe it’s just me. But I have heard you can use your hands to exercise your face…

My buddy was saying (in jest) he wants to get a face-lift to tug back his jowls and trim up his beard line, but he doesn’t have the nerve…or stomach for it. I told him that we should maybe not worry about it so much. After all, there are plenty of very famous and successful jowls out there. John McCain’s jowls, for example.

So my friend told me a  story about this hot chick whoslept next to him on a long flight. They were in a big jet with a center 5 seater and all but their 2 spots were vacant. After a bit she got fairly comfortable, spanning the four empty seats, her head mere inches from his thighs. Initially he was just mildly distressed about the relative proximity of hotness to his junk. But then, as she moved in her sleep and her hair moved to expose the side of her face, he spotted the telltale slice behind her ear.

Yup, she’d been stretched, and he found the revelation, well, kind of gross. So now, he was not only rattled by her junk-proximity, but he was skeeved out by the revelation of surgery. And as he stared down at the face-lift scars, the rest of her face obscured by her hair, her hotness was forgotten and she took on – at least when viewed from behind – a sort of Frankenstein’s monster aspect. The little scar seemed lost without accompanying neck bolts and the fetid smell of decay.

So I think we’re going to look for some other chub-defying solution. Maybe we’ll read some Lipovox reviews. It seems a lot safer than going under the knife.

And I can always follow in the footsteps of my crazy Facebook stalker and start doing meth. It is, after all, the gender neutral drug (? I don’t know what that means either ?) and maybe it will lead me to the seamy underbelly of privileged trust fund life and RN-sponsored fellatio training. Now that’s one way to exercise your face.