I’m flying to Virginia this week for a few meetings at our main corporate offices. I haven’t flown in over a year – that was a flight to Colorado during serious bad weather. My 5pmish flight was cancelled and I ended up flying out around midnight. I ended up checking into my hotel room around 3:30am – Colorado time. And I had an 8am meet.

I checked the flight regulations and see they still have the liquid rules in effect. This was a relatively new thing when I went to Colorado. You can travel with liquids in containers of no more than 3 ounces, as long as they are all contained in a zipper bag of no more than one quart in size. 

This reminded me of my return flight from Colorado. As I went through security in Boulder, I ended up in line behind a mouthie business traveler. The lines were actually moving pretty fast, but this guy wouldn’t shut up about how long it took. Bitch bitch bitch.

There was a side line that went off to a different machine, and the yawning guard would occasionally pull people aside to go down that little roped path. The impatient guy walked up to the tired security guard and somewhat boldly asked her “Hey, what does a guy have to do to get on the short line?”

She shook her head at his error and told him it was three at a time. Naturally, I got stuck following the noisy schmuck that-a-way, along with another poor fool suckered in. I knew I was in for trouble.

It turns out that this was a new, experimental process. You had to remove your shoes and walk into a huge sci-fi box. Inside, the machine gave instructions.

“Put your feet on the shoe-prints on the floor.”
“Please don’t move.”
“Keep your hands at your sides.”
“Please don’t move.”
“Keep your head up.”
“Please don’t move.”
“You will feel an impact of air on your body.”
“Please don’t move.”

I’m not kidding, it went on and on. I got nervous in there. I thought maybe whirling sawblades would come out and slice off something vital if I didn’t keep my arms down. Eventually you would get blasted with air. Apparently, this was supposed to detect traces of explosive materials. Neat. Very neat. And much slower than the regular procedure. As I stood behind the loudmouth, I looked forlornly back to the main line and watched as people who’d been behind me heading for their flight gates.

Loudmouth had all kinds of issues. He complained about taking off his shoes. When they first told him to remove them he said “what if I don’t want to?” After an uncomfortable moment he chuckled and said he was joking. He argued about removing his fake Rolex because it is “mechanical winding watch not some quartz thing.” He also had magnetic bracelets that “improve circulation” and a wedding ring he couldn’t get off. “I got rid of the wife years ago, but I can’t get rid of the ring.”

After the added 15 minutes of wasted time I spent waiting to get through this process I really need a drink.

Incidentally, 50ml ‘mini’ bottles of vodka are well under the 3 ounce limit. I sure am glad I picked up all those Smirnoff flavor minis last year as a semi-joke gift for Carol. I’ve got Captain Morgan too. The only question is how many I can fit in a one quart zipper bag and still have room for my travel-sized toothpaste tube.