I’ve been kind of blog-neglectful lately. Busy busy busy. That’s my excuse. I haven’t even mentioned how the Jeep got rear-ended after the Sheep and Wool Festival, but if you read my wifey’s blog, you already know about it. I’m sure I’ll get around to it in time. I’m going to try to get back into the sharing a little more regularly, and I have the best of reasons to start. My brother in law just got married, and I was the Best Man!

I’m definitely going to tell you about the Bachelor Party day thing we did a few weeks ago because it was a cool time with some good stories. It might even turn into another multipart epic like the infamous (or incredibly irritating – depends on your outlook) “I Fought the Law” series, but no promises.

So, this past Saturday, Mikey married Kathy and it was just lovely. The whole thing went down at St Michael’s Church in East Longmeadow. I really hit it off with the pastor of the church – that’s a whole other story involving a lot of denim, condescension, and moving furniture during the ceremony. But I didn’t hit him. That’s the important thing. And I barely cursed in the church, a personal triumph.

I did have to make a toast at the reception, and it wasn’t too bad. Sure there were hisses and people were telling me to shut up and drink, but I felt good. I actually spent some time preparing my remarks, and wanted to share some of the opening lines I chose not to go with. So here, without further ado, is my list of Wedding Reception Toast openers that did not make it into the final cut.

1. As we raise our glass in honor of Mike and Kathy, I need to ask one thing… CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!?!
2. Love between a man and a woman is a special thing. Not five dollar bills in a g-string, lapdance special, but still…pretty damn special.
3. Hey you in the wheelchair! I don’t care whose Grandmother you are, you want to shut the hell up? I’m making a fucking toast here.
4. Did you guys remember to wear your special underwear for the big night? I know I did. (At this point I would drop my pants and show myself off in a pair of crotchless panties, but Vicky’s Secret doesn’t carry my size – what’s up with that?)
5. Is anybody ready for some magic? Alright. For my first trick I’m going to need two volunteers, a razor blade and a hundred dollar bill. Where are the cards? Let’s see some cash.

I really did think a magic show would have been funny, but probably not too practical. Still, I’ve got a pen through bill trick that’s a real mind blower.

I admit it, I chickened out. No magic. No raunchy sex. Now Grandma insults. But it was still an okay talk.