Be seeing you

  • by Drew

One of my favorite things to do when Jake was first talking was to teach him funny phrases like “I’m not going to pay a lot for this muffler.” He would reply with something like, “I not pay no for muffler no no no!”

Hilarious.

But one of my proudest moments was teaching him to say, “I am not a number, I’m a free man.” Or, in his words, “I not number! I FREE MAN!”

It was and remains a meaningful sentiment, as well as one of the classic lines from The Prisoner, one of the greatest shows of all time. It may seem a little dated if you watch it now, 40 years later, but it’s really pretty exceptional and worth watching.

Anyway, I just found out that Patrick McGoohan, known as Number Six to fans of the show, passed away. It’s a loss. He was an exceptionally talented man, and the primary driver behind this classic show. You should take a moment and read some of the highlights of his career.

Red, White and…Branson?

  • by Drew

If you don’t get the title, it’s a Waiting for Guffman reference. If you haven’t seen Guffman yet…well, we have nothing else to talk about it. Good day to you.

For the rest of you…

The last couple of winters we’ve taken a few days of vacation at the fabulous cruise-on-land resort Woodloch in the Poconos. It’s swell, and we always have fun, and we will probably do it again this year, but I have been spending a little time looking for other possibile family vacation options. Surprisingly, one of the spots I encountered and didn’t immediately rule out was Branson. Yup. Branson, Missouri. It may not be the stool capitol of the world, but it still looks pretty okay.

Now, if it wasn’t a 20 hour drive, it would seriously be in the running right now. Hell, air far to Missouri has got to be cheap, but the pregger wife and the two monkey monsters…well, let’s just say a flight – no matter how cheap – ain’t happening.

Nevertheless, I am filing this spot away. It seriously reads like a bit of Americana. There are all kinds of shows you can attend, like the Baldnobbers (that’s got to be hip) and Andy Williams, and Bill Haley and Paul revere and the Raiders and Bill Medley. I had the time of my life indeed! Seriously, there may be some snow-capped heads here, but who cares. What is drawing all these legends to Missouri? When did Branson become the Vegas of the midwest?

Puppets, magic, music, wholesome family fun…No lie, I am very curious about what’s going on over there. Dude, they even have Broadway! Check the list, I’m not making it up. If they throw in a free jug of moonshine I may go myself.

There are some reasonable package prices here, so you might want to check it out. I may just click the I Want More link and get me color brochure. Carol won’t be pregnant forever. At least, I hope not. She’s taking up a lot more room in the bed these days.

Of course, if she reads that remark, I’ll be sleeping on the couch so it won’t really matter much.

I’m so confused

  • by Drew

I just got  a very interesting spam. The subject was One big instrument is much better than two small ones. The message was “Being a real man is a very hard task so do your best.”

Hard indeed.

Still, there’s quite a bit of truth in the message. The subject, however, is what throws me. I mean, I have to agree that a guitar (big instrument) is better than two ukuleles (small instruments). The uke is cute and all, and can make for a great fireside accompaniment, but I don’t think it can really stand up to the guitar in terms of awesomeness. But if we take a moment to get our bearings, we realize that an upright bass is a very large instrument and two guitars, relatively speaking, are smaller.

Now upright bass is definitely cool, but is it cooler than guitar? And what about drums? A good backbeat on a kick is soooo necessary, but think of the versatility of the snare. Or, for that matter, what would a Rush drum solo be without a run on the rack toms, all which are smaller than both the kick and the snare.

Frankly, I think this was a very irresponsible message with a poorly reasoned argument.

Or am I being too literal?

It’s hard.

BTW

  • by Drew

We had a swell Christmas. Big surprise for the family was a Wii. Carol has been talking about it for months, and I have been like “what a stupuid waste of money – you’d have to be a schmuck to buy a Wii.” All along, of course, I had a Wii and a Wii Fit kit wrapped in the basement. So sneaky.

Right now I’m wearing my Ghostbusters tee (gift from Carol), thinking about some beef jerky (stocking stuffer), eyeballing my iPod Nano in its case (gift from the boys), plugged into a highly efficient travel charger (gift from Santa), listening to the Ricky Gervais show featuring Karl Pilkington, author of Happyslapped by a Jellyfish (gift from Carol).

Yup, a new shirt, a new book, gadget gear and snacks. Only a few of the lovely and thoughtful gifts I received. My girlie is so good to me – if we weren’t already married I’d totally be shopping for wedding invitations.

I won’t even talk about all the nonsense the boys are running around with. Legos, Transformers, Playmobil, DVDs, Wii games…oh yeah, the Wii too. They are pigs in poop. Seriously. And that’s not even taking into account the massive spoiling courtesy of their grandparents.

Merry Christmas

  • by Drew

Hey, it’s the season, and I am really enjoying myself this year. Shopping was done weeks ago and there are a few surprises that I’ve kept surprises, so I’m inordinately pleased with myself. Only bummer is that I finished wrapping ages ago, and I really love wrapping. That is not sarcasm, I really do love to wrap. I tend to buy and wrap all at once, so I never have any last minute wrapping projects. I do, however, hide all the presents in stacks in the attic, so I don’t put bows or anything on until things are going under the tree. It’s not much, but it is something. 

We went out a couple days ago to pick up some groceries, deposit a check at the bank, mail a box…like that. It was INSANE out there. Traffic was terrible, parking lots were terrible, people were miserable and nasty. Horns honking, middle fingers aloft, squealing tires, hunting for parking space – all the noises and joys of the season. Yuck. Am I wrong to feel superior in these moments? How un-holiday of me. 

Amidst the errands we lunched at my new favorite theme restaurant Buffalo Wild Wings. I love this place. Love it love it love it. I love Buffalo Wild Wings as much as I hate meth-shooting, dye-job sporting, Facebook stalking, ex-almost-girlfriends. You know I really hated that, so it surely tells you that BWW is fan-diddily-tastic! I particularly like their boneless wings in any of their 12 or so sauces. Asian Zing and Spicy Garlic are awesome. They had a lunch special – 6 wings, fries and a drink for $5. Dude. Noah had mini-corn dogs and Carol had a classic boned wings (she likes the bone – and that <em>is</em> what she said). We hung out, watching half a dozen big screen TVs showing, among other things, an online poker game, a Reggie Jackson documentary, an extended sleep number bed infomercial, a billiards tournament, and onscreen trivia. All this while they blasted an all-90s satellite radio station. The music made me feel like I was in college again, except I am a lot older…and married…with kids…and a pregnant wife…and I actually have enough money to buy $5 lunches for three people. 

Ah, adulthood. The gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, in spite of the holiday turmoil we were able to enjoy a yummy, kickin’ it back lunch. And that little thing helped me keep my hand off the horn and my finger turned down…the whole day. If that ain’t holiday spirit, I don’t know what is.

This is not a wine cooler

  • by Drew

I realize that when I went off track in my last, already legendary post Boats ‘N Hoes, I did not really clarify my opening thesis. See, Boats ‘n hoes is just fun and funny to say. And yes, it is a reference to the movie Step Brothers. I mentioned a more appropriate potential title for the post that involved diet pills and a particular fortified wine product.

My personal, non-politically correct comments about increased obesity in Christmas shoppers should speak for itself in regards to the pills, but perhaps I should explain the Cisco remark. No, I didn’t mispell some obnoxious R&B-ish singer’s name. Cisco is the stuff of legends, a somewhat ghetto/college town wine product whose critics have included Surgeon General Antonia C. Novello. Novello was unhappy with the products packaging because it made the liquid rocket fuel appear to pack little more wallop than a standard wine cooler. Its 20% alcohol content is more than double the average wine cooler’s.

If we’re going to speak of legends, Cisco is certainly one. It is, in fact, the only libation I have ever consumed, in any quantity large or small that actually had me seeing double. In fact, I had only had a few drinks, perhaps half a bottle at the time. And while it was a decent amount of hooch that offered a buzz, it was far from taxing to the limits of my then college freshman constitution. I tell you, that shit is CRAZY.

So, once again getting back on point, holiday cruising these days you’ll feel like you’re seeing twice as many people as normal. You are actually seeing 25% more people, but they are, on average, 39% larger than they used to be, so if my math is correct (not a chance) you are, in fact, seeing roughly double the flesh you should be seeing.

Just like when you drink Cisco.

Peace.

(btw – Christmas is coming and Cisco is cheap. I haven’t actually purchased a bottle – or had one purchased by someone with ID – in about 17 years, but back then it was about 89 cents for a fifth. How much could it be now? Who said last minute gifts can’t be affordable?)

Boats ‘N Hoes

  • by Drew

Yes, another Step Brothers reference. Actually, for this post, Apidexin ‘N Cisco might have been a better post. It is, after all, the season of chunky Walmart shopping, angry large people seeming to descend from the hills for their single day shopping outing. All this holiday spirit, dripping from me personal ramparts reminds me of an overheard conversation a few years ago at the Dollar Store…

I was walking up and down the aisles with a then 2 year old Jake while Carol waited on a huge line to complete an insubstantial purchase of stocking stuffer chocolate and batteries, or something. I had repeatedly passed members of a particular family who were doing their Christmas shopping…yes, ALL of their Christmas shopping. They had been talking rather loudly, hogging the aisles, and making something of a spectacle of themselves.

As I was making my way to the front of the store, praying that Carol was almost to the front of the line so we could flee, I passed a final pow wow of the three women, representing three generations in this particular family. They had dumped their booty into Grandma’s cart and all were reviewing what they’d purchased. It seemed like they had gifts for several family members or friends. Several gifts for each of these people, and they seemed rather pleased. Then the whopper –

Mom: What did we get for Daddy? (I assumed she meant the daughter’s father)
Daughter: Ummm. We can give him these Santas (she held up a box with 8 or so chocolate Clauses)
General mumbling as they pushed things aside and searched.
Grandma: Oh, I got him these nice socks for church (they were tan and, in all honesty, fairly nice looking…for the Dollar Store)
Mom: Goddamn it, we should have spent more time in the man aisle.
Grandma: Too late now.
Mom: Yeah, we gotta get on line.

Let me just end with this – I am a very lucky man because every year, year after year, my wonderful wife always spends the exact perfect amount of time in the man aisle.

Merry X-ma$ indeed.

A Mix of Fergie and Jesus

  • by Drew

I found a description of this hilarious Step Brotherscomment about Will Ferrell’s singing voice as indicating a heavenly quality (Jesus) combined with a modern and hip quality. I disagree. I mean, I think that might be what John C. Reilly’s character means…as a 40 year old unemployed loser that still lives with his father. But that’s what makes it funny, right? Because anyone with eyes has to know that Fergie is a somewhat hideous freak. And, of course, anyone with ears is going to feel about the same thing.

Look, Kids Incorporated was cool. She can have that. But it’s time to move on. She hit her peak during adolescence. Time to move on.

And speaking of moving on, I was fortunate to see the new Britney Spears video this weekend while hiding from the ice storm power outage in Massachusetts. It was before 6 am – Noah had gotten me up – and I hadn’t had any breakfast. That’s the good news.

If you’re smarter than me, you haven’t seen this video. I believe it is the first single from her new album Circus. Yes, if Britney had a brain you might think she actually has an ironic sense of humor. But…no such luck I think. No intended irony. No brains.

Also, no musical ability. Still. At least some things don’t change. This track was called Womanizer. I know that because the word Womanizer represents approximately 90% of the lyrics. There are two or three different dance themes going on. One had Britney in a sort of severe pageboy domination number stamping through an office or something. That was weird.

But the truly scary part was the part where she lays on her back, writhing and singing on a bench that makes me think sauna. She was pretty heavily oiled (maybe sauna-sweaty) and completely naked. Now, a relatively firm, young woman with enhanced boobs and porno-blond hair, ass-humping a wooden bench may sound hot. Sure it does. But I still have mental images of pre-liposuction Britney spilling out of her fat jeans. I still remember those shots of her with her droopy drawers and highly visible thong. I remember thinking -very seriously – so that’s what I would look like in a thong!

If she had never gotten nasty, so very VERY nasty… If she had never bedded K-Fed or had those 6 or 7 babies… If she had not been photographed dozens and dozens of times in a body shape that basically makes the average Walmart shopper look…well, better than they would have looked next to Oops I did it again era Britney.

Something that is heavenly and hip is Regina Spektor’s voice or a Patek Philippe watch. Grown up Fergie and anytime Britney – these are spirit-crushing and dark. It’s the holidays. We need…happier?

Speaking of which – after the Britney horror show I saw Katy Perry doing Hot and Cold. It may not be existential or particularly original, but it was fun and catchy and one of the better things I’ve heard from the popular media in a while.

The Ice Storm

  • by Drew

That was a great movie…remember? Did you see it, The Ice Storm? I don’t know, like ten years ago it came out…it was very good. A little depressing, very illuminating. There was a lot of dysfunctional family stuff, a key party and a dead hobbit. (Elijah Wood – trust me, I’m trying to have some fun with an otherwise depressing situation.)

Anyway, excellent independent films aside, we had a seriously kick ass ice storm in Northern Dutchess last night. Power went out around 8, and will probably be out for a couple of days due to county-wide problems, but if you put aside the difficulties of a power outage in late 2008, you can really marvel at the wonders of nature.

Seriously.

So power went out around 8pm last night. This morning around 6:30am we, as a family, took a ride to the local Stewart’s for coffee, donuts, gas and gossip. Damn. Most of the county is without electricity. Eeek.

So we decided to head up to the in-laws in Massachusetts and enjoy some hot water bathing until the power at home is restored. On the way we experienced a rather amazing slalom amongst the hundreds (literally) of bent, ice-encrusted trees. Pretty cool.

Here’s the thing, though…while many people on the road were being conscientious and cautious, there were a couple of cowboys who are nothing short of big-time a-holes. I’m not even talking about SUV-lovin’ maniacs, but, in this case, schmucks in little 2-wheel drive sports cars, burning up the eight foot wide path of messy road, tailgating and flashing and honking, when people were just trying to safely make it to the next bunch of fallen trees.

Seriously people, I have witnessed quite a few mega winter storm is my 18 or so years of driving and this was a truly unique situation. I’ve seen much worse driving conditions, snow and slush covered roads in particular, but I’ve NEVER seen anything liek this with the fallen and falling ice covered trees. I mentioned to Carol on our way to Massachusetts that in the worst storms I’ve encountered up until today, you see one or two fallen trees and go “Wow, that’s somethin’ else.” Today…no lie…I saw HUNDREDS of these same fallen trees. Amazing.

And still, there were those people in their little cars, steaming up my backside like they have something REALLY important to tend to. Like the free world depends on their arrival…somewhere. Like they have massive  Plantar Fasciitis and if they don’t get to the Podiatrist soon it their f-ing feet will fall off.

Seriously, dudes. Today Mother Nature said, “Hey, pay me some f-ing attention. I can do shit you’ve never imagined.” We need to chill, step back and pay her the awe she deserves. She can be truly staggering.

The Big Spin

  • by Drew

Today I am talking rc helicopters. That’s right, radio control helicopters. OK, here’s the deal. I had the opportunity to test a mini radio control helicopter and that’s the whole point of my post today. I have to say, when I first signed up for the chance to review one of these, I was thinking about the Air Hogs helicopters I see in Target all the time. When they actually sent me a sample of one of these mini radio controlled helicopters, I was pretty surprised. It is petite and cute. But I have to say, this is no toy for the kids. It is a real treat for the RC hobbyist. Frankly, for me, a radio-controlled gadget novice, this is pretty difficult to operate in the beginning. It is definitely not a good toy for the little ones. They can mess with the clunky stuff in Target – this jammer is hard core.helicopter

The helicopter is palm size and has two top rotors with a third bar that spins between the props as a sort of stabilizer. As a result, you can actually fly this guy around. It turns out that most of the inexpensive toy store choppers pretty much just go up and down. Their propeller structure pretty much limits them to lift, drop and hover. With this mini job I’ve been testing, however, you can actually cruise all around the room.

And that’s an important point. This particular mini helicopter is specifically intended for indoor use. You certainly have to take care and not go to crazy…trust me. It took me a little while to perfect my gentle touch on the wireless control. More than once I ran it into a wall, or lost loft in my attempts fly like something out of Blue Thunder. Still, despite a number of crashes and bashes, I was unable to break anything. Of course, if I keep banging it around, I will probably need to take advantage of the extra rear prop they included…but I’m not there yet.

The kids love it. It buzzes and whirs and flies around the room like a crazy little robot dragonfly. Pretty sweet. They are dying to get their hands on the remote, but that ain’t gonna happen. Seriously, I would seriously love to let them take the controls, but it is really not something for a little fingers to pilot. Maybe when Jake gets a little older, but for now…well, it’s hard enough for me to maintain a steady and controlled hand. You really need to take your time to master a machine like this. I would imagine that a more experienced rc helicopter hobbyist could get going with this mini helicopter right out of the box, but with a little patience, any newbie – like me – can get rolling. Yeah, you need patience, and maybe a healthy dose of maturity too, to take to the skies with one of these mini helis.

Here’s another thing – after receiving this test  model, I priced a few toy radio controlled helicopters at Target and Walmart. They were all in the high twenties…and up. For a similar investment, probably a little less, you can get a really cool and really legit rc helicopter. This is no toy. This is a real starter unit. And I have to say, it is a hell of lot of fun to pilot around the room. I have been playing with it for days – mostly after Carol falls asleep – and I’m getting pretty good at circling her sleeping form. Another couple of nights and I’ll be landing it right on her sleeping pregger belly. Rock on!

© 2026 Drew Bancroft. All rights reserved. Totally.