Ouch. This past weekend was the weekend of Kindergarten birthday parties. Yup, my kindergartner is becoming a little social butterfly. I mean, dude, two parties in one weekend. This kid is so ready for college. He’s even got the come hither hooded eyes and effortless rock star hair. Is it wrong to envy your 5 year old progeny his rock star good looks.

But I digress. I’m not talking about my delightful kids. I’m talking about the weekend from hell. Specifically, the weekend featuring two little kids birthday parties.

The Saturday party was actually pretty good. It was a bowling party at a local place. I have been to a few bowling parties in the past, all with my older son, and this was, by far, the best one. The birthday parents were attentive and prepared and the kids actually followed something like the rules of bowling. It was a significant departure from my last bowling party a couple years back when each kid was just grabbing a ball and rolling it down that little kid helper rack roller thing. They didn’t even watch to see if they knocked down any pins. Sometimes you’d have three or four balls rolling down the lane at the same time. One kid even managed to get a ball stuck when the pin clearing thing came down and it temporarily disabled the entire place.

No such disasters on Saturday.

Sunday was the real nightmare. Chuck E. Cheese. As one of our friends, also a kindergarten parent, said: You must really hate the parents of your child’s classmates to subject them to a party on Chuck E. Cheese on a Sunday. Two words describe the so-called “where a kid can be a kid” spot: Absolute bedlam. If WalMart had a crappy arcade, it would be Chuck E. Cheese.

The noise is unbearable, the machines break down constantly, the kids are irritating, but the worst part of all is the parents. Seriously. I didn’t know there could be so many flavors of douche in one location. More variety than Black and mild cigars. And by the time you escape that hellhole, you’re ready for a hot shower, mouthwash and a session with that Men in Black memory eraser thingie.