The other day I was in Target with a kid in the cart and exactly two big packages of toilet paper. I know you think I’m a total poop machine, but that’s not it. Well, that’s not totally it. See, they had this deal if you bought two megapacks you’d get a $5 gift card. I mean, even if I’m not a total poop machine I’m going to eventually use the toilet paper (or rather, my family of 5 will share in the joy of using that toilet paper). I figured 5 bucks is 5 bucks, why not take advantage.

Anyway, I was cruising into a pay aisle, and it was Saturday, so the inevitable happened. Before I go on I should mention that I rarely go out in public on Saturday or Sunday after 11 am. The whole consumer thing is just awful, and awkward teenagers make me physically ill. I mean, they made me ill when I was a teenager, so it’s not just my advanced age at play.

Anyway, I had already made the mistake of entering Target on a Saturday afternoon, so I really can’t blame anyone but myself for the pain. But there I was, heading for an aisle with my 4 year old and 48 rolls of TP. And just as I started arcing my cart toward aisle #9 behind the lady with socks and Doritos and the guy who was already paying, this large woman with a family of 7 in tow cut me off.

I probably don’t need to say it, but I will – she was massively overweight, as was her sister and mother. Her children (2 girls and a boy) were only husky at this point, but her husband was registering on the richter scale.

I don’t mention this because she was fat. I mention this because she was a total bitch, and making fun of her absurd weight problem makes me feel a little better about myself. Sorry for being petty.

She had a cart full of bags of orange things and bottles of purple things. I know our Target does not sell produce, but geez, even a carton of milk or a bag of yogurt covered raisins would have made me feel better. And her cart was overloaded. Remember, please, that I had exactly two items.

The cashier looked up over her epson receipt printeras these two parties approached, as the sister of the cart pusher/mom  did a 6 foot sprint (and yes she was winded as a result) to cut in front of me, then saving space for the cart full of heart-lovin’ delights. And then, the whole family gave me dirty looks. Puffy cheeked, squinched fleshy pockets around the eyes, dirty looks.

I did luck out and an aisle to the right opened. I was able to buy my mountain of toilet paper and get my $5 gift card without having to wait for the happy family to buy all 3 tons of Fritos and Fluff.

But here’s the funny part. The woman who cut me off and gave me a dirty look? She had on a Jesus shirt. Yup. A big honkin’ rainbow encrusted Jesus shirt. Is this your version of the Christian ethic? Making the guy with the 4 year old wait to buy his two packs of toilet paper while you load up on wholesome, American junk food?

God and country, baby. God and country.