I should probably go to the doctor. All my time in the hospital lately makes me think…yeah it’s time. But what happens when he says I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol and the onset of male pattern baldness…well, I don’t know about that last one, but he’ll probably notice it’s thinning a little bit when I strip down to my underwear because we all know how guys hate to look at other guys’ packages.

You know, he’ll avert his eyes and lock in on that thin spot on the crown and it’ll get all jungle competitive, right?

I don’t know, I never go to the doctor so who knows. Maybe he’ll be balder than me. But then he’ll make some ass comment about my back hair or something and, well, you probably shouldn’t slap your physician, right?

In any event he will surely tell me to lose a couple pounds. They all do that. And that means skipping the wine for a while, skipping the french fries. Dude, that’s a drag. Maybe I should just be on the lookout for the best diet pills, right?

Speaking of which, any suggestions because bulimia is just so not me, and I really hate to give up my fries and wine. It’s the French in me.