I saw an interesting bumper sticker the other day: BEAR ARMS OR WEAR CHAINS

I thought that was an interesting choice, at least if I’m reading it correctly. And if I’m reading it correctly, these are the two options available to you:

1. Carry a weapon, probably a firearm, or your person at all times.
2. You will be enslaved.

Now, I have to assume that if someone is going to enslave me for not carrying a gun, they, themselves are probably carrying guns with which to enslave me, so… wouldn’t a better policy be DON’T BEAR ARMS AND YOU WON’T WEAR CHAINS. 

OK, I see the problem there. This guy is clearly paranoid or preying on the paranoia of people stuck in traffic behind him. Since you don’t know what nuts out there are carrying guns, you don’t know which nut is going to try to enslave you, so you should carry a gun just in case you need it…for something. For protection, right? So when one of those nasty gun-wielding maniacs seeking to enslave you comes out of the woodwork, you can open a can of whoop on their unsuspecting ass. Right?

Maybe it’s just peer pressure. Maybe during the light of day, the choice presented by this bumper sticker is a little…stark, but think about where he got that bumper sticker. In some wood paneled basement on a friday night, surrounded by greasy men with beer guts and NRA ball caps and salt and pepper stubble on their chins. Upstairs the wives are looking for deals on Ft Lauderdale or Orlando or Destin hotels. Somewhere around the time the corn whiskey replaces the Coors, someone says, “hey fellas, wait till you hear about this bumper sticker I saw.”

OK, maybe I sound like one of those bleeding heart liberals who hates guns and wants to take them away from good, wholesome, down to earth Americans that just feel an automatic weapon is the only way to protect their 4 acres of farmland from the socialist revolution. Fair enough. But you are jumping to conclusions. I actually do not hate guns. I believe it is, in fact, the right of all Americans to own firearms. I think the bearing part should be reserved for times of war or military action or when that American feels legitimately threatened. (For the record, as moving into a duplex three towns away does not constitute such a legitimate threat in my opinion, but that is not the current issue.) 

Anyway, maybe I’m going through this mental exercise for nothing. Maybe I’ve read it all wrong. Maybe it was a typo and the guy is actually into 80s heavy metal music. Maybe the expressed sentiment was Bare arms or wear chains. Like, either go sleeveless and show your flesh or wrap it in links of shiny metal. Yeah, I bet that’s it because he seemed like such a nice man. At least he did from two car lengths behind and one lane over. Real real nice.