Everyone know how much I love a good Spam subject, but lately I am getting too few of these: Women like men with soft heart but hard member.The friend in your pants will be dancing like at a party. You better click.

And there are far too many of these: Learn how to take over the stock market — followed by a lengthy explanation of the stock robot and how the stock robot will make the picks that will make me independently wealthy. Oh happy day.

And as Spam loses it’s absurd erotic humor, I find I am getting rushed from all sides. Both my landline and my cell phone have been ringing off the hook with offers. I get calls from people who are literally frantic to save me and my lapsed auto warranty.

Caller: Do you know your factory warranty has expired? You are completely unprotected. We have to do something about that today!!!

Me: It has? Holy crap! What will I do. Oh wait, that’s the car I sold 2 years ago. Thanks for playing douche bag.

And Optimum Online. Fucking Optimum Online. The high speed demon internet spawn of Cablevision. 5 times a day we hear from polite Nicaraguans with hardly any accent at all telling us how terrible the Satellite dish is and how satisfied we’d be with the Triple Play. Yeah…let me get back to you on that.

Let me, in fact, reach far back into my memory. 5 years ago when we moved into this house and had to wait 3 weeks for the cable guy to come (he missed his first 2 eight hour windows, but the third time is the charm) only to be told that we had to pull wire from the street to the house, then throughout the house because “Cablevision is not responsible for pulling cable.”

How can that be. I mean, it’s in the name of your damn company. Cablevision. It’s the first damn half of your compound word corporate identifier. That’s like going into Burger King and being told “Sorry, we don’t sell burgers here. We just sell chicken fingers and crowns. Nothing but chicken fingers and crowns. Can I get you some chicken fingers? Or maybe you’re feeling a little regal today. Take off that Mets cap. Have I got a treat for you.”

I mean, I might be interested in business insurance if I owned a business that needed to be insured. It has happened in the past. It may happen again, but right now…not exactly useful. There are a number of products and services I am very interested in, in fact. I am just not interested in refinancing my mortgage with Joe’s Back o’ the Van bank in the next 10 minutes before Mr. BOTV’s pay-as-you-go cell minutes expire. Is that so wrong?