Once upon a time I had some employees, and while I think I was a decent and tolerant boss, I had some…well pretty awful luck.

Once I went on a short vacation – I had two guys working, one in the morning and afternoon, the other for a few hours in the evening. The evening guy did not show on Monday. I was up in the Adirondacks trying to reach him on a cell phone that got a single bar of reception if I stood in just the right place in the middle of a particular parking spot in the middle of a parking lot in front of a Super Shoes outlet store. When I finally tracked him down, he told me he’d fallen asleep watching the World Cup. On Tuesday he didn’t show up again. When I confronted him on Wednesday, after racing home from vacation, he told me he had a few beers with his friends and forgot. I took his keys back that day.

Another time I hired a guy who worked in a nearby store and wanted a few extra hours. He used to come and talk about comic books and horror movies with me on his breaks. I gave him some training and a part time job. Then, his first night of work, when I had to go to a fundraiser, he never showed up. I never heard from him again. He totally disappeared. My awareness of comic books and horror movie happenings went down the tubes.

I had another guy who worked for me for a few months. One morning he didn’t show up. I called his house and his cell phone and even his father’s house. I got some disconnected numbers, no responses to any messages I left. Turns out he had to go to court for a moving violation and they discovered his resident Visa had expired. So he was deported to Africa where he had to “sort things out.” At least he eventually called me and brought back my keys – 8 months later!

But my crowning achievement was hiring a young lady with , among other issues, an apparent sleeping disorder. She continually failed to wake up in time to make it to work on time – 10am. Often she would not roll in until noon. She started going to a sleep disorder doctor and had to do the overnight sleep test at his clinic – more than once. She was supposed to sleep in a monitored environment, but from the sound of it, the pulse oximeter and heart rate monitor and IV drip and some sort of smoking beaker apparatus out of  Frankenstein was a little too disturbing. Apparently, her doctor could find no reaosn for her inability to get out of bed in the morning.

Finally, I sat down and had a talk with her, one that I guess her sleep disorder doctor never got around to. Ondays she worked, she routinely slept past 11am. On days she didn’t work, she usually slept until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I don’t think she really had any problem sleeping, at all. I think her only problem – other than bad habits –  was her doctor.

Also, she was a heavy smoker and most nights before work she was partying with her friends, and drinking heavily. I asked if she mentioned any of this to her doctor. She was like, “Duh, of course not.”

Now, I’m not trying to be mean, but there were a couple of incidents, all within about a month when I needed her to show up for work because I had important obligations. One such example, I was best man in my brother-in-laws wedding. Another time, I was at my wife’s grandmother’s funeral.

So, picture me at the cemetery as everyone is gathering around the plot, frantically hitting redial on my cell. Yeah, I was that dick. Or how about in the Church, as the priest (who already had issues with me) was like “what the hell are you doing” as I tried to track her down, 2 minutes before heading to the altar. At least I didn’t lose the rings.

Dude, it’s never easy.