Not that commercials (or television in general) has been much worth watching…ever – but have you noticed the absolute crap quality of advertisement copywriting lately? One of my very specific pet peeves right now is asshole protagonists…and antagonists. There are tons of commericals right now featuring twoor three people, ostensibly lovers or friends, being total dicks to each other.

Example: The LG cell phone commercial with the mirror screen. The guy watches some chicks’ asses in reflection as they walk by. His girlie, sitting across the bistro table, texts that he is a pig. He shrugs his shoulders with a frank, “I don’t care what you think and what’s your problem anyway?” gesture. She rolls her eyes with disgust.

Hmmmm. This is a hell of a statement on young love, ain’t it? Couldn’t they come up with something a little better to capitalize on the whole mirror reflection angle (a cell phone feature I still can’t quite grasp as a value add – unless the mirror is somehow deflecting brain cancer rays…that would be cool).

Speaking of assholes, what about all those tax relief organizations. Dozens of pricks gloating about how they owed the IRS 100 grand in back taxes and they got away paying $57.87. HELLO! What the hell do I pay my bills for if some bs organization is going to bail out the chunkies who can’t file a 1040EZ once a year? I mean, I’m not naive. I know it’s not that simple, but they’re so smug about screwing the government out of tax revenue. I don’t need to see that after looking over my paystub and seeing half of my biweekly check go to tax and insurance. Can’t they drop the “Fuck you Uncle Sam” attitude and go with something more like, “Thanks for helping me keep my home and not go to jail after the IRS caught me being a deadbeat.” Some sign of humility might be nice. Maybe?

And what about the strung out chick “daring” to “touch” that phone on the ledge of a building? Man, I hate that one. She’s all sweaty and strung out like that hippie junkie Tom Hanks crushes on in Forrest Gump. Seriously. What is with the sweaty seventies junkie thing? She look like Stevie Nicks on a bender.

Oh, and those frickin’ Esurance commercials where the “real” customers get “animated” about their insurance. Have you seen those? Have you noticed how the customers’ waistlines shrink a little when they go cartoon? Have you noticed how the Lemon Tree haircuts get a little more stylish, the male hairlines not quite so receded. Dude, these are not fat and ugly people to start with, so if you’re going to cartoon-ify them, keep it honest.

So, what do I like? Burger King commercials. They’re hilarious. Every single time I see that big plastic molded King head with the big smile I crack up. When he’s peeping in the window I smile. When his kid (Burger Prince?) kicks him in the shin I laugh my ass off. When he plays football…well, you get the picture. I like the King.

Oh, one more thing. Another ridiculous thing that’s been driving me nuts when the TV is on. I’ll give it to you in just two words: Scrap gold.