I recently made a comment on my pal flygrrl’s Decapitating Shadows blog. Her post What’s Wrong With Oprah was thought provoking and interesting. And I couldn’t help but add my 2 cents. In fact, I had to edit out about 7/8 of my rant, leaving behind a froth of commentary so lengthy it probably firghtened flygrrl into thinking I was trying to hijack her blog. Or maybe, to “blogjack” her.

Blogjack – I just precedented that. (If you haven’t read the Daily Show America book by now, you should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing what I’m talking about.)

Anyway, last night while hacking and coughing my way through a sleepless night with the cold Noah gave me, I was reminded of a night maybe 2 weeks ago when I was hacking and coughing my way through the cold Jake had given me. That night, a little worse than last night, I went downstairs for some medicine and tea and TV. I forget exactly what time it was, but it was around 3 AM. Flipping through the DirecTV channels in the Nickelodeon/Disney Channel/Cartoon Network range (I was in the playroom after all) I flipped past the Oprah channel. 

Something almost caught my attention, and when it registered about 10 seconds later, I headed back. Sure enough, my eyes had not betrayed me. There were two young women, probably in their mid to late 20s. One blond, one brunette. They were passing around a translucent orange length of rubber and smiling, sitting on a comfy couch. I turned the volume up and heard something that…well, kind of surprised me. I will paraphrase:

Brunette: It’s my favorite size for a dong. Really, just right.
Blond: And look at the material. It’s smooth and soft (poking it) and it’s stiff (bending it) but not too rigid.
Brunette: Exactly. It has a really natural feel. And look at this. I love this suction cup.
Blond: That’s my favorite part. You can stick it down in the bathtub and and really rock on it, hands free.

I think my chin hit the floor. This was not paid programming. This was a scheduled program, in the digital guide with a more detailed description than most network shows. That’s right, the O Channel is selling sex toys. I watched for 10 minutes. I saw specials on all sizes and colors of “dongs” – apparently the O Channel’s preferred label for a dildo. I saw Jackrabbits and Vibrators and all manner of insertion devices. I saw a great many tools that bore some resemblance to a crab claw, with one primary poker, and a shorter, secondary poker. The purpose of the primary was obvious, but I learned that the secondary could be used for either clitoral stimulation OR anal stimulation depending on your preference.

You hear that ladies? It’s all in your hands. Quite literally. 

And even though the O Channel has a reputation for skewing toward programming for the ladies, I want you to know, they had some pretty impressive toys for boys. Lots of rubber things, some shaped like balls, some shaped like…I don’t know what. They all shared a similar detail at one end. I am reminded of the work of Georgia O’Keeffe…

But I was totally floored by the completely waterproof, cordless “Stroker.” It looked a lot like the black plastic extension tubes on our vaccuum. Apparently the gentleman simply inserts his member in one end of the Stroker, pushes a button, and voila. The hostesses were particularly encouraging, suggesting that every lady watching buy one for the man in her life.

“Remember, it is cordless and TOTALLY waterproof, so he can jump in the shower, take care of business and he’s good to go for the day.”

 Well, well, well. And Christmas is only a month away…