I wonder if I can make this a double trilogy like Star Wars. I’m close. Very close. Perhaps I shall use…the force? No! The Schwarz. Ok, that’s more Spaceballs than Part I, Part II, or Part III of this epic.

In this part I will dispel some urban myths about traffic violations, fighting tickets, etc. I learned a few things on Friday the 13th that may be beneficial to you.

1. Unless your speeding violation is so severe that you will get your license suspended, do not hire an attorney – unless your rich Daddy is paying for it. They (the court) will always offer you a plea (unless you are very stupid and argumentative) that will save you money. The lawyer will not save you any more money, he will just do all the talking with the cop who offers the plea. He may also have sway with the courtroom flunkies and get you to go first, but that will only save you between 5 and 15 minutes. He will charge you a lot of money for this and everyone else in courtroom will glower at you until you leave.

2. I don’t know about highway violations involving state troopers, but for local speeding violations in White Plains (and apparently most of Westchester – I got this from the chatty attorney before the Judge came in, so he wasn’t all bad) they book the trials on a day when the officer is on duty. That means the old if-the-officer-doesn’t-show-up-you-get-off trick won’t work. If you are dumb enough to attempt this this, they simply radio the officer and he will be in court within 20 minutes. Incidentally, this is why I got the summons letter less than 2 weeks before the date of my appearance. They don’t send them until the cops are scheduled to be on duty. So, yeah. Don’t try that. It will just piss everybody off.

3. License points are not insurance company points. Different system, different scale. In New York you can have something like 11 points on your license before it is suspended. Also, if you do more than 20 miles over the limit you get 6 points, which is an automatic $300 additional fine. Ouch. For those keeping score, I did 53 in a 30 (I know I’m bad bad bad) so aren’t you eager to find out the outcome? I think I’ll save that for Episode VI, Return of the Violator.

4. Ample cleavage and daintiness won’t get you a better deal than sensible jeans and a cardigan. Neither will bringing a giggling friend along for moral support. The cop you made your deal with may attempt a smile. Maybe if your friend is actually hot…but I doubt it. These guys are professional. If this item mystifies you, you haven’t read Part III.

5. The DMV does not report points to insurance companies. So, “I have a clean license and I’m afraid my insurance will go up” is not a valid argument. I suppose it only becomes an issue if you apply for new insurance during the period when you have points. Otherwise, if you don’t tell them, nobody will. So, I won’t be switching to Geico anytime soon. At least not for 4 months.

6. “4 months?” you ask. “But Drew, I thought points were on your license for 18 months.” You are correct attentive reader, however, the 18 months begins at the time of the violation. So, since the wheels of justice turned so very slowly, 14 months have passed since I got nabbed for speeding. Thus, 4 remaining months in which to wonder if it really is so easy a caveman can do it. Darn. (Dislaimer: This is NY – I don’t know the deal wherever you got caught speeding).

7. When the cop offers you the deal without even asking for your story, answers your questions about points and insurance, and does not accuse you or say anything to make you feel like the depp down dirty criminal you are, it is a good idea to shake his hand. The look of mild surprise, and the almost smile you get in return is really kind of rewarding. I think I’ll expand on this in Part V.

7a. The smile you get from the cop for being sensible and polite is far more genuine than the one you get for bringing your skanky friend along.

7b. The smile you get from the cop for being sensible and polite is far more rewarding than the sigh and frustrated ‘nothing I can do about it’ look you get when you’re a crotchety old meanie who says, “can you tell me what is wrong with Westchester County when a retired woman has to stand in line for 45 minutes waiting and still has to go into the courtroom blah blah blah blah.” She was two people in front of the skanks. I hadn’t noticed her until then.

8. You cannot pay for your fine with a personal check – at least, that’s the case in White Plains Court. You can use cash, a debit card, most major credit cards, but no personal checks. I think you can also use the 16 pound 6 inch square coins of the Boogum Boogum tribe in Southern Namibia, but you should double check that. I meant to ask.

9. In court, at least in Court Room B of White Plains City Court, they do not use stenographers unless the DVD burner recording apparatus breaks down. Which actually happened, so I got to see a stenographer in action for about as long as it took to reboot Windows. So, it was like an hour and a half.

9a. Just kidding, she was only there for 5 minutes, and most of that was to make sure the machine was working again.

10. The judge might actually be nice. Not an arrogant prick like in all those Grisham novels. When he entered, though they didn’t say “all rise” like on The People’s Court, several people started to. He immediately said, “be seated, be seated,” in a jovial, grandfatherly manner. And he had a good sense of humor about the stenographer thing. Also, when you get called up, if you respond in a clear voice and say thank you at the end, the judge (at least this judge) may even give you a comforting smile. Court really wasn’t that bad. For a moment he was like the grandfather I never had.

I mean, I had a grandfather. Two, actually. One died before I was born and the other one didn’t really know me, but the judge was like a third grandfather. Super Grandfather. I wish he’d had his robe closed so I could imagine a big ‘S’ on his chest. Instead it was sort of hanging open so I could see his shirt and tie. It broke the illusion, but it was still way better than jiggling cleavage (see Part III). I still could have pinched his tit, though. Damn, I really should have pinched his tit. That would have been awesome.