Yesterday, Sunday, dubbed ‘Family Day’ in our house because it’s the one day we are always all together from dawn until dusk, I received the most egregious telemarketing call ever. It was around 12:30 in the afternoon on my cell phone. Caller ID showed an 800 number. Hmmmm. I answered and it was one of those pre-recorded messages that sounds like a real live person.

“Hi there. This is Bobby Graham,” and then a pause for me to reply “Hi, Bobby, what can I do for you today.” Except I, like most people, have developed that reserved, cynical, suspicious tone when answering the phone, so I offered no pleasant greeting to my new buddy Bobby.

Bobby went on to tell me that he represented the Billy Graham Ministries and was calling to see if I was one of the many people whose life was touched by ‘Grampa’ Billy. Wow. That was just so wrong. Where does Billy Graham (or the Billy Graham Ministries empire) get off calling me on my CELL PHONE to solicit saccharine nonsense and, ultimately, cash.

No, Bobby Graham. I have no tale of the miracle of faith in Grampa Billy answering my prayers and delivering that new used car downpayment in the form of a Pick Six ticket. And not for nothing, get the fuck off my cell phone. I’m not donating to your cause, and your unsolicited call of questionable legality (you will never convince me that this is a non-profit organization and I have never done business with you, so read your Do Not Call Registry guidelines a little closer, Bobby) is costing me money.

Look, I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and I’ve been up since 5 so I’m a little punchy, but come on. Bobby’s religious views are not mine, and my views are none of his business. This call really pissed me off. I don’t want email telling me my girl thinks my penis is too small and I better get going on some ‘natural male enhancement.’ I don’t want faxes urging me to secure a line of credit at incredible sub-prime rates. And I don’t want the God Squad bugging me for donations on Family Day. My time is my own. My faith is my own. 

And anyway, when the Almighty communicates with me he prefers to burn a bush.