Interesting article in Popular Science recently – it would seem that the bass population is feminizing. That would be bass rhyming with ass, you know the fish. Not bass rhyming with ace, as in four-string lowenders. They’re always hopelessly masculine. Even the chicks.

The article and so-called science blame pollution for this problem…and it is a problem. Not only is the bass porn industry suffering from a sharp decline in customers, but this could ultimately lead to a decreased bass population because the male fish are turning female. They are actually turning female. Their little fish sacks (or whatever) are becoming useless and they are beginning to produce infertile eggs. Supposedly some species of fish do this naturally (probably those commie fish swimming around Chernobyl) but not bass. Not bass.

Before you start thinking I’m somehow homophobic – which would be stupid because these are not gay fish, they are more like…what? Transgender? But seriously, I have always been well in touch with my feminine side – so much so that half my family thought I was gay during part of the 90s. No lie. I was actually encouraged to move in with an ex-girlfriend because they were uncomfortable with my male roommate. I explained that we were both quite straight but you would have thought we were on a water polo team or something the way they fretted. So yes, I could pretty much franchise the whole sensitive new age guy thing circa 1996.

But these science geeks have the bass thing all wrong. It’s not pollution that’s weirding up these fish. No way. It’s the fashion industry. Yup, you read that correctly. I believe the blame sits squarely with the fashion industry.

Seriously. Check out the clothes available for winter. Puffer vests and coats. PUFFER VESTS. Do you really know any self-respecting dude who would go out in public wearing a puffer vest? Christ, puffer is what my kids call flatulence.

“Daddy, I made a puffer, tee-hee.”
“I know son, it’s making my incredibly gay vest so balloon-y.” 

I saw something in a circular (and yes, gentle reader, the guy who admits to reading sales circulars from department stores has the nerve to call someone else gay) this morning – a faux shearling microsuede coat, available in these colors: taupe or sunset.

Somewhere, Lee Marvin makes a puffer after pulling a 12 pound bass from a river of toxic runoff. Charles Bronson puts a firm hand on his shoulder and says, “Nice work sweet cheeks, now let me clean that little she-meal for you.”