When I was young, I imagined that when a man grew up and became ‘mature’ he would sit in a wood paneled library surrounded by books and Audubon prints, drinking port from magnificently huge snifters, smoking imported cigars of questionable legality and discussing economics and politics, making pithy statements about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

In reality, I have grown up and become cynical, sitting in an unfinished basement on a ‘borrowed’ steel case chair or a tired recumbent exercise bicycle, surrounded by preschooler sketches and Liquor store ads, drinking tap water from a refilled Poland Spring bottle, blogging prosaically about life, traffic and the failure of the news media to adequately inform us without bias.

And then, a simple trip to the mall with my 7 year old this past weekend gave me a sense of superiority that even the finest Cuban Churchill and vintage Dow’s (or Churchill’s for that matter) could never offer.

We were walking past a Finish Line store with all sorts of sneakers displayed in the window. One rack showed multi-colored Nike’s of all colors, vertically arrayed in a rainbow of two-tone swoosh combos. Two men of about my age passed us and I caught their conversation. Let me note in advance that while I am not a person who makes snap judgements about the socio-economic position of individuals based solely on their physical appearance, one thing was abundantly clear about these guys – neither had (as the Catholic School nuns used to say) had a pot to piss in. Anyway…

First Guy: I need to get a pair of those.
Second Guy: Which ones?
First Guy: The black ones with the yellow swoosh.
Second Guy: Why you need those?
First Guy: I just bought a yellow and black hat.
Second Guy: Oh.

Now I am not trying to assume some sort of moral superiority simply because it escapes me why a man of limited financial means would require a pair of shoes sale priced around $150 to match a recently purchase baseball cap. I mean, I know that coordinated fashion is high on the list of many people, but… I mean, was it maybe irresponsible to buy a black and yellow hat in the first place knowing that you do not already own black and yellow sneakers? I mean, that day he was wearing a white cap with a navy bill and it looked fine with his white and red sneakers. Even his white t-shirt, though a little grungy, fit the overall color scheme. Yes, the forest green hoodie threw off the whole red, white and blue – these colors don’t run!!!! –  theme, but still. Maybe if he’d just gone straight for the white and red cap, he wouldn’t need those new coordinating sneakers.

And this leads me to another, even more important point. We all know that most men really don’t care about fashion. Their only real reason for trying to dress cool is to woo a potential lover. Clearly this guy was straight, because no gay man would buy matching yellow and black headgear and footwear, so can someone please tell me where you find the ladies that are impressed by the bumblebee color combo? Seriously, is that the only barrier to this guy getting laid? Not having black and yellow kicks to match his black and yellow ball cap?

Should I just move to Canada now?