Sly

  • by Drew

I’ve taken some flack for participating in Sylvester Stallone bashing of late for one reason – lots of people loved The Expendables. Lots of people loved this movie. Hell, I loved this movie. It was no Cobra, but hey, it was pretty good fun.

The thing is, The Expendables is a piece of crap. It is bad, bad, bad. It is a horrible genre piece, and a clear vehicle for a bunch of action heroes, mostly well beyond their prime, to wank on screen. That said, it is so bad that you have to love it. But the difference is crucial. It is not in any way shape or form a good movie. The script makes no sense, it is full of gratuitous side plots that exist only to let various “actors” kick some ass in a thoroughly enjoyable manner that has nothing to do with the ersatz plot, and several characters don’t even belong. Seriously, you could remove at least half of the characters and it would have absolutely no impact on the story.

Nevertheless, if you ignore its lack of cinematic virtue, the ass kicking is truly righteous. So worth it. And even though some of these guys have gone way past the limits of “sensible” plastic surgery, there aren’t too many close ups. Thankfully. For Christ’s sakes, Sylvester Stallone’s facial skin is stretched so thin I can’t believe his cheek bones have ripped through. And I think Dolph Lundgren got confused about Botox and just started shooting crushed ephedrine diet pills into his brow ridge.

By the way, if you haven’t seen Cobra, you should totally Netflix it. It’s simply horribly wonderful. For reals.

The Hunger

  • by Drew

Having just mentioned the imminent demise of a member of the original Marvel Comics super-team, I am reminded of a recent visit to my favorite comic shop. The conversation turned to (no surprise) my recent visit to Chuck E. Cheese. Originally mentioned here, then elaborated on here and here, my favorite summary of the experience was this: if WalMart had a crappy arcade, it would be Chuck E. Cheese. A guy in the shop added this: If you want to see the future of this country, observe the children at Chuck E. Cheese. If you want to see its present state, go to WalMart. Ouch. So true.

And we went on to discuss things that trouble us – yes, comic fans do worry about the global state of affairs, believe it or not. And while we all may wish for a time when a celestial radioactive comet strikes the Earth, destroying the bad people and giving super powers to the intellectually gifted so that hot chicks everywhere will be immediately drawn to them…and they won’t need glasses anymore, we remain ground in the reality that such a comet probably ain’t striking down anytime soon.

So we lament the crappy educational system, the failing economy, and the real danger that there will soon be a massive insulin shortage with so many pre-diabetics texting their way through their 20s. One interesting suggestion came up while talking through the relative positive “plot” points of the classic 80s Rambo trilogy. When the more recent Rambo movie from a couple years ago was brought up, I mentioned the scene where Rambo slams his hand into a bad guy’s throat and pulls out his spinal column. I’m not sure if that made it into the theatrical release, but it was definitely in the trailer.

“Now that’s a way to suppress appetite,” someone said, not really joking. “Go see a Stallone movie.”

The Feelies

  • by Drew

There are a lot of Black Friday TV deals. I mean, besides those Walmart deals where they get cheap knock off copies of real brand name TV models and make their customers think they are getting big 4am bargains. I’m not making it up, pick and search engine and look it up. The big blue star factory (big is really the only important adjective there) is full of dirty tricks.

But you know what I haven’t seen, even in the pirated Best Buy BF flyer? Not a whole helluvalot of 3d TVs. Jeez, is this the dark ages or something? Come on kids, don’t we need to see it all up close and personal…and sort of chunky? Well, maybe.

I’m not even sold on Blu-ray. I’m thinking I’ll stick with regular DVDs until the next big thing comes along. Cyber-movie goggles maybe. Or did you read Brave New World? I’m holding out for the feelies and soma. Rock on.

God Sues Sheep Dogs

  • by Drew

Yep. You heard it here first. Unless you were flipping channels a couple minutes ago like me and the wife were. Then you might have flipped past a TV preacher getting his evangelical on. I don’t know if vehement preaching will help you burn belly fat, hit the lotto, or get into that uber SUV you’ve been eyeing, but I know this – God sues sheep dogs.

Correct. The preacher said it on TV so it must be true. I mean, not only was it stated by a “man of God” but it was on television. We know that television never lies and men of God are above reproach, so…it’s true.

No, I’m not sure what it means. Nor do I know what it had to do with the shadow in the valley where the devil backs you up and backs you up and backs you up but he can only back you up so far before you hit mercy. Go sues sheep dogs.

bait

  • by Drew

So we’ve got TV back. Several people have been asking me about it. I mean, we dropped service over a year ago when I realized there was a weekend-long nonstop Spongebob marathon on multiple channels and my kids were, instead, watching a Spongebob DVD because it had “the one we want to watch.” Now, after a 14 or 15 month hiatus, the verdict is in. We’ve missed nothing. Sure, I like a few things here and there, and it is nice to be able to flip the TV on and not have to select a DVD or Netflix streaming program. But really, I mostly just waste time looking for something to watch…or watching something I’ve already seen because there’s nothing else on.

Maybe if cat fighting among paparazzi wannabes, eating disgusting stuff, or glorified talent show performances are your thing, you can find something worth watching. Personally I don’t care if you can dance, sing, bitch, kvetch, cohabitate, diet, cook, decorate cakes or eat bugs in a competitive situation. You want a good and interesting reality show with real people? How about navigating the red tape of insurance claims?

Get a dozen people who’ve gone through surgery and see who is most persistent in refusing to take no for an answer. The winner actually gets his or her bills paid and the resulting ulcer is covered! Hell, give the winner a get out of pre-existing condition card while you’re at it. Or maybe you can do one of those get-the-job-at-the-end-of-the-season shows to hire someone who can actually explain the ins and outs of ssdi or Medicare/Medicaid… No, on second thought, I don’t think that’s actually possible.

And yet, I did discover a reality-ish TV show that I enjoyed last night. I probably won’t ever watch it again since I was halfway through the 4th episode when I trudged up to bed last night, but in a pinch. The show was Bait Car, and in the fine tradition of the greatest reality show of all time – Cops – we see the criminals at work, on camera, and we see them busted.

The concept is simple. Cops ditch a bait car in a crime ridden neighborhood through any of a number of methods, surreptitious or otherwise. Eventually, hooligans descend upon the vehicle and do their dirty deeds. As they rifle through the contents of the car, they usually notice that keys have been left in the ignition. Eureka! 

It’s all on camera and the cops have a device that will cause the car’s engine to stop once the crook has to driven to a more or less safe and out of the way location. They usually also can lock the doors so the villain is stuck inside. I guess it depends on the budget of the police force in question.

I don’t know how long this show has been on so it may be old news for anyone who’s had television for the last 15 months, but for me…pure viewing gold.

New Old Habits

  • by Drew

I have recently rediscovered a past addiction. For a period of two or three years in my young teen years, I became an avid comic collector. I started with a single title, but when a small video store in the next town started selling comics (the owner being a total comic addict himself) I began making weekly visits.

A year or so after I discovered this little haven, the shop closed down. A few weeks later, the video part reopened under new ownership, but the comic racks were gone. Apparently, the comic-loving owner was so into Marvel and DC that he kept two copies of everything he sold. And pretty soon, he was deep in the red. Oh well.

Now, I certainly didn’t stop reading comics. In fact, I maintained my love of comics over the years since, but I mostly stopped reading monthly mags and switched to trade paperbacks and graphic novels. Sometimes these were standalone storied outside of the normal continuity of a particular title, but other time a book like this would simply collect a series of comics in single place, covering a particular story arc.

Recently, though, I have been picking up comics here and there. Mostly old ones at flea markets (old now meaning 80s era – the time period I used to collect) but I’ve also grabbed some newer stuff. And lately I’ve grabbed a couple of cheap ebay lots. Some ebayers will sell books for a fraction of their potential value if you are willing to grab a boxful. Since I am just getting back into collecting, this is a great way to go for me. It gives me a chance to read a couple of issues of a particular title and see if it is something for me. I can either go to a back issue dealer and try to fill in the blanks, or I can, when I am ready, put together some mixed lots of my own and get the comics back out there for someone else to start, or round out, their collection.

Comics have a lot of detractors, but I, for one, am a big fan. In fact, I am so much of a fan that I am happy to see my oldest kid starting to read them. He can still read a novel, about 3 grade levels beyond his age in fact, so if he wants to pick up a comic once in while, that’s cool with me.

I’ve known people who say that comics are a sort of anti-literature because the art keeps you from developing a mental picture. That might be a valid argument if comics were novels, but they’re not. It is a wholly different medium. If a great film can be a great film, in spite of its plain reliance on visual storytelling, a comic, or any sort of story told in a comic format is equally valid. If you disagree, open your mind to The Watchmen, Maus, or even American Splendour. Don’t kid yourself, these are tremendous bits of narrative. They are unique and powerful. At times, even profound. and they do not rely on violence or gratuitous profanity to “shock and awe” their readers. Instead, they use compelling imagery, both as depicted in the art, and in the poetry of the storytelling.

Seriously.

as young as you feel

  • by Drew

I’ve been ruminating a bit about bellies and bad diet, and it sets me off on a whole other tangent. While half of America is bloating so fast that Wall-E chic no longer seems particularly fanciful, the other half seems obsessively vain.

Maybe that’s not entirely accurate froma  fractional perspective, but say we’ve got 40% hugeness, 30% vanity and 30% normalcy. Those seem like scientifically accurate estimates, don’t you think?

Seriously, though. Read a youthology review for a glimpse into the seamier underbelly of American vanity. And it doesn’t start in the middle of the heartland at church gatherings. That’s just where it plays out. But the source, like so many other negative influences, the true source of corruption…

Burt Reynolds.

No lie. Have you seen his plastic surgery. My man looks like they stretched a flesh-colored ziploc baggie over his bony ass old man cheeks. Can somebody get him one of those Watchmen Rorschach masks or something?

Please?

Pop Culture Revisited

  • by Drew

Since I’ve been doing all this writing about old time radio shows like Harry Lime and The Shadow, and the late, great Orson Welles, I am reminded of another interesting old time…well, event I should talk about. While working on my undergraduate thesis I got very involved in the study of literary hoaxes. That’s a whole other topic, but this line of research eventually led my to the Geritol quiz show scandal in the late 50s. It was discovered at that time that Producers on the show were giving answers to preferred contestants. There were investigations, some lives were ruined, and none of the rich bad guys suffered.

In the mid-90s, Robert Redford made a movie about it all. And, actually, its a very good movie. I know this because I researched the events and watched a number of documentaries about the scandal while I was in college. Several years later, I caught the film on a movie channel and thoroughly enjoyed it (Rob Morrow’s atrocious Boston accent aside).

At the time, Geritol was the sponsor, and had a reigning national tonic to help you age better, lose weight, stay regular, cleanse your body, heal everything, cure zombie-ism, lube your chassis and anything else you wanted it to do. They wanted drama. They wanted characters you could either love or hate, characters you would tune it to either cheer for or against. They sanctioned the producers to manipulate the contestant pool to heighten drama and weed out the less desirables.

They had a long run with Herb Stempel, a brash, working-class Jew from Brooklyn who could virtually sweat on command. John Turturro is fantastic in the role – trust me, I saw a lot of interviews with this guy. The real kicker, however, is when they lassoed Charles Van Doren, product of one of America’s great literary families, and a popular Columbia University professor, and made him an American folk hero.

If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a thinky movie, sure, but it’s also true. It’s all true. It reveals a dark but persistent and very, very real aspect of our popular culture. And if you think anything has improved since the 50s…think again.

Crosstown Traffic

  • by Drew

Old Time Radio is a favorite subject of mine, and an enjoyable pastime that almost no one seems to share with me. Nevertheless, for me, Old Time Radio and Orson Welles go hand in hand. It should come as no surprise, really. I mean, the War of the Worlds Halloween prank gone wrong is a well-enough-known story, and the tales are true.

A number of people tuning in late to the program did not hear the disclaimer at the beginning and believed it was a real news broadcast. This may sound far-fetched today, but if you listen to a lot of Old Time Radio, you can see (or hear) how the Mercury Theater actors gave a performance that sounded like the standard radio fare of the day, and thus, sounded “real.”

But the Mercury Theater on air was only one of the many radio programs Orson Welles was involved with. In fact, he was so in demand as a radio actor that he had trouble travelling across Manhattan from one radio broadcast station to another. Taxis couldn’t cut through NYC traffic fast enough for him to make all the live broadcasts he wanted to take part in.

Then he discovered a loophole in city traffic laws. It seems you didn’t have to be sick to hire an ambulance. So he traveled about the city in a private ambulance, sirens blaring, from appointment to appointment.

Wouldn’t you love to be a cop pulling that dude over.

Cop: What do you mean you’re not sick?
Orson: I’m a famous radio performer going to work.
Cop: You what?!?!
Orson: Just kidding, I just read a some kick ass colonix reviews and think I should check it out before I start gaining weight in my forties and max out at 350 pounds.
Cop: Carry on, chubby.

Eating for 4

  • by Drew

Speaking of the late great Mr. Welles brings to mind a few great quotes…or, paraphrases maybe, because it has been quite a few years since I took a legit film class. But there were many. Many, indeed, and I used to actually think that these anecdotes made me interesting to the opposite sex. Of course, now I know better. Ask my wife…I barely ever ramble on about this stuff.

That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

Anyway…things he said:

  • I’m not very fond of movies. I don’t go to them much.
  • I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.
  • I started at the top and worked down.
  • I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
  • My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

 

That last is a favorite knowing how he blew up late in life. I don’t even think glucomannan could have stopped this guy. His regular dinner? Two steaks, rare, and a pint of scotch.

And I read somewhere that he actually put on weight for Touch of Evil. Wooo-hooo. No meat and potatoes for this bed and breakfast man…just meat and meat. And booze. And meat.

© 2025 Drew Bancroft. All rights reserved. Totally.