It’s not just raccoons in bow ties that I’m looking for. I mean, yeah, catching site of a raccoon in a bow tie would rock. I’m not going to lie to you. But a giraffe with a nice necktie wouldn’t be bad. Of course, I’m not likely to see a giraffe in my neighborhood any time soon, so maybe that’s a bad example. Maybe we can just buy a whole mess of wholesale diamonds and glam up the local wildlife. Imagine a big fat, black crow covered in shiny, glittery gems, like he just lost a fight with a Bedazzler. If you can do it to a jean jacket, you can do it to a big black bird, and believe you me, that’s bling you could really CROW about.

Hah!

You know what you just don’t see enough of these days? Animals wearing bow ties. I mean, I’m not asking for too much, am I?  Once in a while I’d just like to see an animal, in its natural habitat, putting on the ritz a little. He doesn’t have to wear a tuxedo. She doesn’t have to wear a ball gown. I just think that once in a while it would be really great to see a raccoon with a bow tie. Usually you see him scrambling into the sewer, he turns and looks at you before slipping out of site, those eyes glowing opaque yellow from your headlights. It’s not the prettiest or most welcoming thing, but if he was wearing a little bow tie…don’t you think that would be a little better?

Tomorrow is the day – read comic in public day, that is. I mentioned it a few days ago. Tomorrow is the day. A pile of comics, a park bench, or maybe one in the mall. Something like that. I need to find a place that I can get my read on with the kids in tow, so it may not be a major showing…but it will be a showing. No life-sized card board cut-outs, sexy costumes or Batmobile rides

Maybe in the Mall Food Court.

My 8 year old can read a comic to my 5 year old. Maybe Super Hero Squad or a Marvel Adventures Super Hero issue. I have a couple of Spider-Mans and one with Dr. Strange teaming up with Spidey. I’ve also got a print out of Brave and the Bold from the DC Comics kids site.

Carol will probably read Fables or Madame Xanadu. That’s right, I’ve done it. I’ve succeeded in getting her interest in the comic medium duly sparked. Maybe she’d even like that first issue of The Goon Dark Horse just reprinted.

As for me, I’ll have to keep it real with some GI Joe, one of my favorite all time titles. What else? Definitely Green Hornet – probably one of the mini-series from Now Comics in the 90s. What else? I suppose I should go all out and represent with some super-hero stuff. Hmmmm. Maybe a Wolverine one-shot? Or maybe I’ll re-read the first few issues of Birds of Prey. Maybe I’ll even get that one on Carol’s short list. It is really one of the best super hero titles I’ve ever read. Up there with X-Factor. Great stuff.

I’ve been fascinated by outdoor fireplaces for years, chimineas in particular. I’ve experienced a few, though, and in most instances I wasn’t too impressed. The big problem has always been smokiness. Too much smoke in fact. But anything that had an approimation of a chimney seemed to be at the forefront, performance-wise.

Last week I finally found a decent looking chiminea and decided to go for it. Part of my motivation was that I had promised to do a backyard camp out with the boys and it seemed a pretty easy and safe way to get the s’mores on.

We did it again tonight. Not the campout, just the s’mores, and man I love it. I’m really looking forward to cool Autumn nights toasting anything from marshmallows to my toes, sipping a glass of wine and…just hanging out. Oh yeah.

Are you familiar with rapid detox? The concept is to get someone off opiates in a matter of hours, as opposed to days. And by this I mean to help the person get over the physical addiction to the opiate. All that great withdrawal footage in movies? A thing of the past. It seems the procedure is done by an anesthesiologist and allows the individual to more or less sleep through the worst aspects of withdrawal.

Of course, removing the physical addiction is only a piece of the puzzle, the psychological addiction is surely as bad if not far worse. Ever tried to quit smoking? You know what I mean. even weeks, months or years after you last butt, long after the nicotine is out of your system, the urge is still there.

I’m not usre how I feel about this whole thing, though. I mean, think about it. Two great TV shows, The Sopranos and Breaking Bad have important episodes that center around old school rehab center. If the treatment and such is handled in a matter of 5 days…I don’t know. Where’s the drama?

I’m coming out of the closet on Saturday. Officially. No more whispered back room conversations. No more looking away and being afraid to make eye contact. No more faking it or denying it or living a lie. On Saturday I am going to let the whole world know the truth.

I read comic books.

Yup, it’s national ‘Read Comics in Public’ day…or something like that. And what a great idea, right? Call me a geek. Call me a fool. Call me childish. Call me whatever you want. I love ‘em and I’m going to figure out a way to take part in the festivities.

Maybe festivities is a strong word. I don’t think there’s going to be, like, a big party or anything. I mean, I’ve heard there will be some regional meetups, but I haven’t heard about any around me. And anyway, who wants to hang out at Starbucks with a bunch of comic book geeks anyway?

Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, I have always loved comics. I read them and collected avidly for a couple years when I was young, and then I went into trade paperback world. During my college years, when cash was especially scarce, I relegated myself to only the occasional graphic novel or trade paperback to keep the old fire burning. Then, when I started working, I started buying the trades more frequently, but still…I was so totally hopelessly out of the loop. In the last few months, though, I have been visiting a fantastic local comic shop and doing some bulk buying from a variety of back issue suppliers and auction sites. Yeah baby, I’m back with a vengeance.

And the stories, the quality of the writing, has really kept up with my expectations. At least, in enough instances to keep me jolly well satisfied. I don’t want to sound annoying, like some born-again disciple whose day of observance is Wednesday (Thursday after holidays) not Sunday. Most of my peers never strayed from the path. They did not abandon the weekly joy to wait for the trades to come out a few months later. So when I start talking it up, I most sound like a bit of a convert, preaching to the choir as it were. Sure, I want to testify, but what of my brethren who never lost their way? To put it plainly, I don’t want to tick anybody off.

That’s why, after much deliberation, I’ve decided NOT to wrap myself in C9 led christmas lights while reading GI Joe Origins and X-Factor on the steps of the Town Hall.

So let me be a respectful prodigal and hope my support of Geek Day (there I go again…but with affection) brings a little awareness to the unwashed masses. Maybe someone will even see me reading a comic and be inspired to step out of the closet themselves. Or maybe I can even find a newbie and convert him or her to the Illustrated Word. It may not be salvation, but it sure feels good.

So we’ve got TV back. Several people have been asking me about it. I mean, we dropped service over a year ago when I realized there was a weekend-long nonstop Spongebob marathon on multiple channels and my kids were, instead, watching a Spongebob DVD because it had “the one we want to watch.” Now, after a 14 or 15 month hiatus, the verdict is in. We’ve missed nothing. Sure, I like a few things here and there, and it is nice to be able to flip the TV on and not have to select a DVD or Netflix streaming program. But really, I mostly just waste time looking for something to watch…or watching something I’ve already seen because there’s nothing else on.

Maybe if cat fighting among paparazzi wannabes, eating disgusting stuff, or glorified talent show performances are your thing, you can find something worth watching. Personally I don’t care if you can dance, sing, bitch, kvetch, cohabitate, diet, cook, decorate cakes or eat bugs in a competitive situation. You want a good and interesting reality show with real people? How about navigating the red tape of insurance claims?

Get a dozen people who’ve gone through surgery and see who is most persistent in refusing to take no for an answer. The winner actually gets his or her bills paid and the resulting ulcer is covered! Hell, give the winner a get out of pre-existing condition card while you’re at it. Or maybe you can do one of those get-the-job-at-the-end-of-the-season shows to hire someone who can actually explain the ins and outs of ssdi or Medicare/Medicaid… No, on second thought, I don’t think that’s actually possible.

And yet, I did discover a reality-ish TV show that I enjoyed last night. I probably won’t ever watch it again since I was halfway through the 4th episode when I trudged up to bed last night, but in a pinch. The show was Bait Car, and in the fine tradition of the greatest reality show of all time – Cops – we see the criminals at work, on camera, and we see them busted.

The concept is simple. Cops ditch a bait car in a crime ridden neighborhood through any of a number of methods, surreptitious or otherwise. Eventually, hooligans descend upon the vehicle and do their dirty deeds. As they rifle through the contents of the car, they usually notice that keys have been left in the ignition. Eureka! 

It’s all on camera and the cops have a device that will cause the car’s engine to stop once the crook has to driven to a more or less safe and out of the way location. They usually also can lock the doors so the villain is stuck inside. I guess it depends on the budget of the police force in question.

I don’t know how long this show has been on so it may be old news for anyone who’s had television for the last 15 months, but for me…pure viewing gold.

I was supposed to meet up with this guy a week or so ago. He never came by so I called him the other day. I said “hey, where you at?” and he said “the ocean.” Since I don’t live particularly close to any ocean, and he is local, I asked “Which ocean? The close one or the one that’s really far away?”

It turns out he was in North Carolina. Good old NC, the Outer Banks. I was…mildly surprised. I mean, I thought we were getting together and he never mentioned anything about North Carolina. For a minute I was more than a little peeved. Like, you might want to start pricing NC health insurance tough guy ’cause I’m coming down to give you a pop in the nose. But I settled down. So what if he went on vacation and didn’t mention it to me. I’ll get over it.

I guess.

I tell you, these people with time shares can be so insensitive.

Wouldn’t it be kind of cute if there were baby vampires? I mean, not those freaky high-speed horror movie vampires coming after you in the middle of the night or anything. I just mean, well, I don’t know. Can’t you just see the vampire family hanging out in their living room in the middle of the night? Picture it.

There’s baby vampire, sucking on a bottle of plasma while Mommy V rocks in her shermag glider and cuddles him close. No, I don’t think nursing would come into play. And there’s Daddy in his wool, button down sweater, chuckling as Toddler Vamp gnaws his pacifier.

“Do you think we should take away his puggie?” Momma Vampire asks.

“Why?” says Dad.

“We don’t want his fangs to come in crooked,” replies Mom.

“And braces are so expensive and I just lost my dental coverage,” adds Dad.

Ahhhh, just another night at home with the Vampire family.

I’m sick of Google. Really sick. I’m sick of people “googling” crap and I’m sick of the rumors of Google biting off Facebook so they can own everybody’s personal data and I’m sick of the Google/Verizon tiered internet nonsense. I don’t care if it’s true or not. I don’t  don’t I don’t. I really just want somebody to knock Google off the throne.

Let’s face it, they were late to market with technology that was already established and in existence. And still they had a hit. Maybe it was pre-bubble Internet IPO nostalgia or something. Like…recession denial or something. But really all they had going for them in the beginning was a great name. A better name than any other search tool. And a name with the added value of sounding pretty good as a verb.

So that’s what I want. I want someone else to come up with a search suite that is as derivative as Google. Gmail? Come on. It’s just a freakin’ Webmail account. Yeah, Google Earth is pretty cool, but it just builds on stuff other people were doing in the 90s.

That’s why I want to see Skopie rise up and take over. Want some info on wiring your ceiling fan? Skopie it. Need an email account, try our new Smail. Hook up with your old High School buddies on Sko-Book. And while Google is going to give Verizon it’s A-game service, Skopie is going to play fair with everybody else.

And in case you’re wondering, it was a failed search for some fan wiring specifics that brought on this whole tirade. Go figure.