Yesterday I found a sparkling apple beverage that behaves something like a sparkling wine or champagne and it is only 4% alcohol. So, I’m actually going to be able to toast with my pregger bride tonight…at least a little one.
A little one for the little one?
Hey, it’s the season, and I am really enjoying myself this year. Shopping was done weeks ago and there are a few surprises that I’ve kept surprises, so I’m inordinately pleased with myself. Only bummer is that I finished wrapping ages ago, and I really love wrapping. That is not sarcasm, I really do love to wrap. I tend to buy and wrap all at once, so I never have any last minute wrapping projects. I do, however, hide all the presents in stacks in the attic, so I don’t put bows or anything on until things are going under the tree. It’s not much, but it is something.
We went out a couple days ago to pick up some groceries, deposit a check at the bank, mail a box…like that. It was INSANE out there. Traffic was terrible, parking lots were terrible, people were miserable and nasty. Horns honking, middle fingers aloft, squealing tires, hunting for parking space – all the noises and joys of the season. Yuck. Am I wrong to feel superior in these moments? How un-holiday of me.
Amidst the errands we lunched at my new favorite theme restaurant Buffalo Wild Wings. I love this place. Love it love it love it. I love Buffalo Wild Wings as much as I hate meth-shooting, dye-job sporting, Facebook stalking, ex-almost-girlfriends. You know I really hated that, so it surely tells you that BWW is fan-diddily-tastic! I particularly like their boneless wings in any of their 12 or so sauces. Asian Zing and Spicy Garlic are awesome. They had a lunch special – 6 wings, fries and a drink for $5. Dude. Noah had mini-corn dogs and Carol had a classic boned wings (she likes the bone – and that <em>is</em> what she said). We hung out, watching half a dozen big screen TVs showing, among other things, an online poker game, a Reggie Jackson documentary, an extended sleep number bed infomercial, a billiards tournament, and onscreen trivia. All this while they blasted an all-90s satellite radio station. The music made me feel like I was in college again, except I am a lot older…and married…with kids…and a pregnant wife…and I actually have enough money to buy $5 lunches for three people.
Ah, adulthood. The gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, in spite of the holiday turmoil we were able to enjoy a yummy, kickin’ it back lunch. And that little thing helped me keep my hand off the horn and my finger turned down…the whole day. If that ain’t holiday spirit, I don’t know what is.
I realize that when I went off track in my last, already legendary post Boats ‘N Hoes, I did not really clarify my opening thesis. See, Boats ‘n hoes is just fun and funny to say. And yes, it is a reference to the movie Step Brothers. I mentioned a more appropriate potential title for the post that involved diet pills and a particular fortified wine product.
My personal, non-politically correct comments about increased obesity in Christmas shoppers should speak for itself in regards to the pills, but perhaps I should explain the Cisco remark. No, I didn’t mispell some obnoxious R&B-ish singer’s name. Cisco is the stuff of legends, a somewhat ghetto/college town wine product whose critics have included Surgeon General Antonia C. Novello. Novello was unhappy with the products packaging because it made the liquid rocket fuel appear to pack little more wallop than a standard wine cooler. Its 20% alcohol content is more than double the average wine cooler’s.
If we’re going to speak of legends, Cisco is certainly one. It is, in fact, the only libation I have ever consumed, in any quantity large or small that actually had me seeing double. In fact, I had only had a few drinks, perhaps half a bottle at the time. And while it was a decent amount of hooch that offered a buzz, it was far from taxing to the limits of my then college freshman constitution. I tell you, that shit is CRAZY.
So, once again getting back on point, holiday cruising these days you’ll feel like you’re seeing twice as many people as normal. You are actually seeing 25% more people, but they are, on average, 39% larger than they used to be, so if my math is correct (not a chance) you are, in fact, seeing roughly double the flesh you should be seeing.
Just like when you drink Cisco.
Peace.
(btw – Christmas is coming and Cisco is cheap. I haven’t actually purchased a bottle – or had one purchased by someone with ID – in about 17 years, but back then it was about 89 cents for a fifth. How much could it be now? Who said last minute gifts can’t be affordable?)
Yes, another Step Brothers reference. Actually, for this post, Apidexin ‘N Cisco might have been a better post. It is, after all, the season of chunky Walmart shopping, angry large people seeming to descend from the hills for their single day shopping outing. All this holiday spirit, dripping from me personal ramparts reminds me of an overheard conversation a few years ago at the Dollar Store…
I was walking up and down the aisles with a then 2 year old Jake while Carol waited on a huge line to complete an insubstantial purchase of stocking stuffer chocolate and batteries, or something. I had repeatedly passed members of a particular family who were doing their Christmas shopping…yes, ALL of their Christmas shopping. They had been talking rather loudly, hogging the aisles, and making something of a spectacle of themselves.
As I was making my way to the front of the store, praying that Carol was almost to the front of the line so we could flee, I passed a final pow wow of the three women, representing three generations in this particular family. They had dumped their booty into Grandma’s cart and all were reviewing what they’d purchased. It seemed like they had gifts for several family members or friends. Several gifts for each of these people, and they seemed rather pleased. Then the whopper –
Mom: What did we get for Daddy? (I assumed she meant the daughter’s father)
Daughter: Ummm. We can give him these Santas (she held up a box with 8 or so chocolate Clauses)
General mumbling as they pushed things aside and searched.
Grandma: Oh, I got him these nice socks for church (they were tan and, in all honesty, fairly nice looking…for the Dollar Store)
Mom: Goddamn it, we should have spent more time in the man aisle.
Grandma: Too late now.
Mom: Yeah, we gotta get on line.
Let me just end with this – I am a very lucky man because every year, year after year, my wonderful wife always spends the exact perfect amount of time in the man aisle.
Merry X-ma$ indeed.
I found a description of this hilarious Step Brotherscomment about Will Ferrell’s singing voice as indicating a heavenly quality (Jesus) combined with a modern and hip quality. I disagree. I mean, I think that might be what John C. Reilly’s character means…as a 40 year old unemployed loser that still lives with his father. But that’s what makes it funny, right? Because anyone with eyes has to know that Fergie is a somewhat hideous freak. And, of course, anyone with ears is going to feel about the same thing.
Look, Kids Incorporated was cool. She can have that. But it’s time to move on. She hit her peak during adolescence. Time to move on.
And speaking of moving on, I was fortunate to see the new Britney Spears video this weekend while hiding from the ice storm power outage in Massachusetts. It was before 6 am – Noah had gotten me up – and I hadn’t had any breakfast. That’s the good news.
If you’re smarter than me, you haven’t seen this video. I believe it is the first single from her new album Circus. Yes, if Britney had a brain you might think she actually has an ironic sense of humor. But…no such luck I think. No intended irony. No brains.
Also, no musical ability. Still. At least some things don’t change. This track was called Womanizer. I know that because the word Womanizer represents approximately 90% of the lyrics. There are two or three different dance themes going on. One had Britney in a sort of severe pageboy domination number stamping through an office or something. That was weird.
But the truly scary part was the part where she lays on her back, writhing and singing on a bench that makes me think sauna. She was pretty heavily oiled (maybe sauna-sweaty) and completely naked. Now, a relatively firm, young woman with enhanced boobs and porno-blond hair, ass-humping a wooden bench may sound hot. Sure it does. But I still have mental images of pre-liposuction Britney spilling out of her fat jeans. I still remember those shots of her with her droopy drawers and highly visible thong. I remember thinking -very seriously – so that’s what I would look like in a thong!
If she had never gotten nasty, so very VERY nasty… If she had never bedded K-Fed or had those 6 or 7 babies… If she had not been photographed dozens and dozens of times in a body shape that basically makes the average Walmart shopper look…well, better than they would have looked next to Oops I did it again era Britney.
Something that is heavenly and hip is Regina Spektor’s voice or a Patek Philippe watch. Grown up Fergie and anytime Britney – these are spirit-crushing and dark. It’s the holidays. We need…happier?
Speaking of which – after the Britney horror show I saw Katy Perry doing Hot and Cold. It may not be existential or particularly original, but it was fun and catchy and one of the better things I’ve heard from the popular media in a while.
That was a great movie…remember? Did you see it, The Ice Storm? I don’t know, like ten years ago it came out…it was very good. A little depressing, very illuminating. There was a lot of dysfunctional family stuff, a key party and a dead hobbit. (Elijah Wood – trust me, I’m trying to have some fun with an otherwise depressing situation.)
Anyway, excellent independent films aside, we had a seriously kick ass ice storm in Northern Dutchess last night. Power went out around 8, and will probably be out for a couple of days due to county-wide problems, but if you put aside the difficulties of a power outage in late 2008, you can really marvel at the wonders of nature.
Seriously.
So power went out around 8pm last night. This morning around 6:30am we, as a family, took a ride to the local Stewart’s for coffee, donuts, gas and gossip. Damn. Most of the county is without electricity. Eeek.
So we decided to head up to the in-laws in Massachusetts and enjoy some hot water bathing until the power at home is restored. On the way we experienced a rather amazing slalom amongst the hundreds (literally) of bent, ice-encrusted trees. Pretty cool.
Here’s the thing, though…while many people on the road were being conscientious and cautious, there were a couple of cowboys who are nothing short of big-time a-holes. I’m not even talking about SUV-lovin’ maniacs, but, in this case, schmucks in little 2-wheel drive sports cars, burning up the eight foot wide path of messy road, tailgating and flashing and honking, when people were just trying to safely make it to the next bunch of fallen trees.
Seriously people, I have witnessed quite a few mega winter storm is my 18 or so years of driving and this was a truly unique situation. I’ve seen much worse driving conditions, snow and slush covered roads in particular, but I’ve NEVER seen anything liek this with the fallen and falling ice covered trees. I mentioned to Carol on our way to Massachusetts that in the worst storms I’ve encountered up until today, you see one or two fallen trees and go “Wow, that’s somethin’ else.” Today…no lie…I saw HUNDREDS of these same fallen trees. Amazing.
And still, there were those people in their little cars, steaming up my backside like they have something REALLY important to tend to. Like the free world depends on their arrival…somewhere. Like they have massive Plantar Fasciitis and if they don’t get to the Podiatrist soon it their f-ing feet will fall off.
Seriously, dudes. Today Mother Nature said, “Hey, pay me some f-ing attention. I can do shit you’ve never imagined.” We need to chill, step back and pay her the awe she deserves. She can be truly staggering.
Today I am talking rc helicopters. That’s right, radio control helicopters. OK, here’s the deal. I had the opportunity to test a mini radio control helicopter and that’s the whole point of my post today. I have to say, when I first signed up for the chance to review one of these, I was thinking about the Air Hogs helicopters I see in Target all the time. When they actually sent me a sample of one of these mini radio controlled helicopters, I was pretty surprised. It is petite and cute. But I have to say, this is no toy for the kids. It is a real treat for the RC hobbyist. Frankly, for me, a radio-controlled gadget novice, this is pretty difficult to operate in the beginning. It is definitely not a good toy for the little ones. They can mess with the clunky stuff in Target – this jammer is hard core.
The helicopter is palm size and has two top rotors with a third bar that spins between the props as a sort of stabilizer. As a result, you can actually fly this guy around. It turns out that most of the inexpensive toy store choppers pretty much just go up and down. Their propeller structure pretty much limits them to lift, drop and hover. With this mini job I’ve been testing, however, you can actually cruise all around the room.
And that’s an important point. This particular mini helicopter is specifically intended for indoor use. You certainly have to take care and not go to crazy…trust me. It took me a little while to perfect my gentle touch on the wireless control. More than once I ran it into a wall, or lost loft in my attempts fly like something out of Blue Thunder. Still, despite a number of crashes and bashes, I was unable to break anything. Of course, if I keep banging it around, I will probably need to take advantage of the extra rear prop they included…but I’m not there yet.
The kids love it. It buzzes and whirs and flies around the room like a crazy little robot dragonfly. Pretty sweet. They are dying to get their hands on the remote, but that ain’t gonna happen. Seriously, I would seriously love to let them take the controls, but it is really not something for a little fingers to pilot. Maybe when Jake gets a little older, but for now…well, it’s hard enough for me to maintain a steady and controlled hand. You really need to take your time to master a machine like this. I would imagine that a more experienced rc helicopter hobbyist could get going with this mini helicopter right out of the box, but with a little patience, any newbie – like me – can get rolling. Yeah, you need patience, and maybe a healthy dose of maturity too, to take to the skies with one of these mini helis.
Here’s another thing – after receiving this test model, I priced a few toy radio controlled helicopters at Target and Walmart. They were all in the high twenties…and up. For a similar investment, probably a little less, you can get a really cool and really legit rc helicopter. This is no toy. This is a real starter unit. And I have to say, it is a hell of lot of fun to pilot around the room. I have been playing with it for days – mostly after Carol falls asleep – and I’m getting pretty good at circling her sleeping form. Another couple of nights and I’ll be landing it right on her sleeping pregger belly. Rock on!
On Thursday, on the way down to Grandma’s house for Thanksgiving we stopped at KMart. They were supposed to have some Thanksgiving Day-only deals and I did find one little present. It was the misery, however, that I wanted to comment on. There were people on line to purchase, screaming at cashiers, insisting they should get the Friday price, even though it was Thursday. One woman of about 50 was being extremely condescending to an incredibly patient cashier. The shopper was saying that she intended to come back the next day with receipts and get the price adjusted to the better sale price, so the cashier might as well just give her the discount and save everybody the aggravation. The cashier said, “I can get my manager and you can ask her,” barely concealing a smile as the idiot shopper backpedaled.
I overheard two women walking through the store complaining about getting up early Friday morning to go shopping. They were bitching and moaning about how it’s not fair that the stores have sales like that…it ruins the holiday.
You know, I have been watching the flyers for a number of items over the last several months and I have seen something that may seem surprising. With very few exceptions, the Black Friday sale prices are no better than the regular sale prices from week to week. Yes, there are a limited number of ‘doorbuster’ deals, but there really aren’t that many. Yes, you can sometimes find some newer DVDs for half off or better, but those are usually not the doorbusters. And do you really think the $800 Walmart plasma is comparable to its $3000 (sale price) major brand counterpart.
Just because someone says it’s on sale doesn’t mean it is the best price you will be able to get. And we have to remember, a deal is not always a representation of value.
Example – several years ago I had a friend who bought a big screen television. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. He bought a tv stand. The big screen TV came with it for free. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very handsome piece of entertainment furniture, and it was not cheap. As I remember, it was in the $1k range. Maybe a little more, maybe a little less. But my friend was just so psyched to get the free TV.
He was not taken – in fact, it was probably not a bad deal. But it wasn’t really a free TV. At the time I recall that most of the major outlets were giving away free TV stands with the big screen TVs, and the final total was in the same ballpark. This was just a clever reversal of the common deal.
But my friend kept insisting he got a free TV. Finally I told him to enjoy his free TV, but I recommended that he not go around telling people about the great deal he got on his stand.
I saw an interesting plate yesterday on the back of a black SUV. BUC LOVR.
Hmmmm. Buck lover? A banker maybe? A Wall Street bailout recipient? Maybe somebody from AIG?
Or was it Buc lover, like buccaneer lover? A sports fan? Or maybe somebody who is really into pirates. I mean, like REALLY into pirates.
Then I saw an NRA bumper sticker, and a bunch of white cut out decals of deer heads. Ahhhhh. I get it. That kind of buck.
And since gun hunting season hereabouts is open until December 9th (with some more time after that for bow hunting) it is probably not a good time to be a deer in these parts. It is also probably not a good time for a buck to be getting inexpensive life insurance quotes. Better just duck and cover and avoid the Buc Lovr.
I really wish he was into pirates. I mean, I have nothing against hunting or hunters, but you really never do know who you’re going to run into out there.
I had yet another terrifying drive yesterday. I was in the right lane on the Taconic heading south. Cruise control, as usual, was locked at about 62mph. In my rear view I saw a car coming up pretty fast. I would soon learn it was a white Infiniti. I kept track in the mirror as the car approached at a decent clip. The guy driving had to be doing 80. As it passed into my blind spot, I shifted my head slightly so I could get a peripheral look at the maverick behind the wheel.
As the front bumper of the car came into view, I realized with some horror that it was, quite literally, only inches from my driver side fender. I swerved into the right hand shoulder and glared over at the car. It was a full two feet over the center line and still drifting my way. And the driver? He was sleeping.
Let me say that again: HE WAS F#$%ING SLEEPING.
Yup, genius in the white Infiniti fell asleep as he passed me doing 80 plus and drifted into my lane nearly crushing me.
Now, I have to admit, I have driven tired way too many times. I have, on more than one occasion, nodded off and started drifting only to jerk awake with a bit of a cold sweat. At least twice I did this to find I had made a complete lane switch. The thing is, when I know I’m tired and sense I may be in trouble, I don’t gun it 25 miles over the speed limit and start passing people.
The Infinidick did seem to wake up, because a car length or so ahead of me he suddenly veered left, retaking his lane. I stayed back and watched him drift a couple more times before he exited. Thankfully there were no other cars in his path. What scares me most is that I don’t think he even saw me. Eeeek. Somebody get some No Doze for the Infinidick!
This got me thinking about that old Family Ties episode when Alex got into diet pills and didn’t sleep for a couple days. Kids today won’t get it with their Orovo and Pilates and such, but I remember a time when diet pills were essentially over the counter speed, available in both pill and geltab form, and they were just swell for a pick me up before Jazzercise class.
What a great time in our history.