Fa la la la la…

We went to Target on Sunday to check out the Halloween clearance scene and ended up with a wicked cheap fog machine. That’s going to be sweet next time we have a party. Unfortunately, though, we realized something kind of scary. It is clearly the beginning of holiday shopping season.

Carol pointed out that we need to basically hole up at home until after the holidays…at least on the weekends. And she’s totally right. The people shopping on Sunday were maniacs. Like, eyes glazed, no idea what was going on around them. There were all these nasty grandmothers in the toy aisles snatching stuff that’s not even on sale yet! Or arguing with their poor husbands. Come on ladies, do you really expect your 68 year old husband to know which My Little Pony his grand daughter wants?

But the attitude of so many of the shoppers…seriously, it was bad. Just a lot of nasty looks and impatience. When we finally fled the store and were in the parking lot, we had an excellent final encounter. The lot was fairly crowded, but at that moment, the space on the driver’s side of the car was vacant. It is a pretty typical parking lot arrangement, we were nosed in, and there was a line of cars on the other wide, facing us. There was a little Isuzu Trooper type thing facing the vacant space, and as luck would have it, the passengers were getting into their car just as we were getting into ours. Noah climbed into his seat (on the driver’s side) as I put a couple bags in the trunk and then went to buckle him.

Just about then, the people in the Isuzu, three middle-aged women, kind of short and chunky, were revving up and ready to go and I just had a sense that they wanted to pull through the vacant space next to our car rather than back out (as they would have to if the space was occupied). Of course, they would not be able to pull through until I finished buckling Noah and closed his car door. I figured they would either wait, or back out.

Instead, to my surprise, they started driving. They pulled their car up to about two feet away from Noah’s open car door. Effectively, they were about a third into the parking space, still about two thirds in their soon to be vacated space.

So I had to step backwards to awkwardly close Noah’s door, and then squeeze against my car to allow these schmucks to drive past. I think what pissed me off the most is that they weren’t heated up about it, like honking horns or glaring at me impatiently. Instead, they pulled their bumper to within a couple feet of me, and then went on about chatting in their car. It was one of the more asshole instances of passive aggressive behavior I have seen in a while. I mean, seriously, why couldn’t they just wait in their space until I finished getting Noah in his seat? What they did was both obnoxious and dangerous.

Thankfully we have done a good bit of our holiday shopping already, at least for the kids. If we are lucky, we won’t have to deal with these kinds of jerks too much in the next couple of months. Of course, this contest I heard about could make it really easy to avoid the mall altogether. Hey, maybe if you sign up and win and buy me something awesome. You have to make a video and put it on YouTube, so you better be kick ass.

New Wheels

So we’ve been driving the new Forester for a couple of weeks. I have to say I really like it. It’s pretty loaded, and the massive moonroof is nice. I’ve always like the sunroof/moonroof option since my first new car, a green ’96 Escort with a manual flip roof. It’s just so enjoyable when you’re tooling around town on a fine Autumn day.

But man, I wasn’t sure we were going to get the Liberty there for the trade. I mean, I can’t complain too much because the thing was really crapping out. It had like 80,000 miles on it, the fan was shot, maybe the ac compressor, it started leaking some freaky fluids and the timing belt was on its last legs. I would imagine the water pump wasn’t far behind, and about 100 feet from the Subaru dealership, the transmission started making some weird noises. Oh yeah, and the closed radiator system was probably shot, because it dumped some fluid on the way, and since you can’t add coolant or even crack it open unless you’re a licensed technician…well, it was in rough shape. And the alignment was crap and it really needed new tires.

The dashboard started beeping about halfway between home and Subaru, so I was pawing through manual trying to figure it all out. The beeping lasted only a few seconds, so I hoped it was nothing major. On the Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge, it started beeping again. This time, as it was beeping, I was rifling through the manual. In the ‘V’ of the spine I caught site of the temperature gauge. Yeah, the arrow was hard in the red.

In summary, the Jeep shit the bed on the way to be traded in. This sucked, but it could certainly have been worse. We might not, for example, have even made it to the dealership. Or it might have crapped out a few months ago when we were emptying out the basement of the wine shop. So all in all we are looking at this in a positive light. And once again, we have a hell of a story.

IH8FACBK

If I ever get a personalized license plate, that will be it. Yes, I do. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. While the thought of connecting with people who walked divergent paths many years ago is nice enough, it just don’t happen for me.

See, this crazy chick I dated something like 15 years ago friended me and started sending me messages last week. Okay, crazy may be harsh, because I think clinical depression is the extent of psycho-malady she claims. Incredible narcissism and a weird vindictive nastiness – does that qualify as crazy?

Anyway, I gave a pleasant “here’s where I am in life” response. She followed with several books worth of stream-of-consciousness babble telling me about her academic triumphs, her sexual exploits, her drug use, her advanced degrees, and something about learning fellatio from a nurse. Oh yeah, and she wants to have a kid because she and her husband are so beautiful they would make a beautiful child. I made the mistake of not responding fast enough (because I hate Facebook) and she quickly soured into some real nasty comments.

I am sexually repressed. I am a hermit living in secret. I think I am high and mighty because I have kids. My wife is sexually repressed (apparently because she married me). I am jealous because I am not living the life of the artist and I am not as beautiful as she is. I am really an asshole, I guess. And, this is like a cherry on top – she can’t fathom why I started bothering her just to pick on her and be mean. So I am apparently now no longer her Facebook friend. I am blocked or something. I haven’t gone in to check because I hate Facebook, but I probably should.

But wait – there’s more. I emailed her to leave me alone – mostly because she’s fucking nuts. Want to see the response?

Email me again and I will call the police. I don’t threaten. I follow through. And
trust me, the police loooove being chivalrous with a beautiful woman like me, and we
can find you through Amherst, and you can get arrested for threatening me, as it
feels to me, because I’ve made it clear you are to stop stalking me, and  then you
can explain to your wife, who doesn’t deserve this, why you’re obsessed with
contacting me.

Other people get  “Hey, how are you doing. Can’t believe it’s 20 years since Freshman Algebra.”  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

For the record, I emailed her 3 times – the first to accept the Facebook friending, the second two to tell her to leave me alone. Somehow, I think Carol will find it in her heart to forgive me. 

I HATE Facebook.

Chatting at the wheel

Let’s forget about Mothers Against Drunk Driving…how about Mothers against driving while phoning Seriously, I have had like 4 near miss accidents in the last week with people on their cell phones while driving. The scary thing is that half the time they don’t even know how close they came to an accident because they’re so busy chattering away.

One this morning would have really peeved me if it wasn’t so funny. On the way to work I was in a left only lane. There was a ton of traffic coming from the other direction and going straight. I had a long wait, but I know from experience that I will eventually get a green arrow and have an easy turn if there is no space in the oncoming rush. There was none.

Nevertheless, the woman behind me started laying on the horn after a few seconds of waiting. I can assure you, there was no way I could sneak through the cars from the opposite direction. It’s not like I let an opening go by because I knew I’d eventually get the arrow.

So I look in the rear view and see a 50-something woman in an Escalade. She is wearing sunglasses and looking out the passenger window, seemingly oblivious to the world around as she visibly gabs on her cell. At first I thought maybe it was another car, maybe I’m blaming the wrong person. Then, I see her lift her hand and press the horn, three long beeps. She never even looked up. She wasn’t even paying attention to see if I had gone. She was just gratuitously honking.

Am I taking crazy pills? First of all, if you must talk on a cell while driving, make it quick and do it safely. It’s not your living room – the license plates and seatbelts are a dead giveaway. Get yourself a Bluetooth headset and take care of business. You can pretend you’re at work. Fun! Fun! Fun!

X-Ray Specs

I was in the parking lot outside Toys R Us in Kingston with Jake after securing a sweet Lego set: Batman Arkham Asylum. That’s right, they’ve made a great toy based on the crazy house from Batman comics – the place where they stick homicidal crazies like the Joker, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, Poison Ivy, etc. in between crime sprees. Very cool. And it was on clearance. I got it for under $20 (with tax), cut down from $75+. I am the king of clearance toy finds, and now we something nice for Jake’s birthday in August.

As we got back into the Jeep I noticed the plate on the truck facing us. ICTHROOU. Cute. He sees through me (or maybe us). The funny thing is, there was a mini pink bra hanging from the rear view mirror.

Is it just me, or is this somebody who got a set of novelty x-ray specs and took it way too seriously?

Eating on the Run…

I was just at a busy intersection and saw a surprising sight. There was a guy in a little red sportscar eating something with a spoon. I can’t be sure what it was, but I was getting a very distinct yogurt vibe. Seriously, this guy, something like 50 years old, was hanging out at the red light, having a little snack. He was into it, too. He was really working the spoon. You know what I mean. He wasn’t just shoveling it in. He was sliding the spoon around the outside edge of the container, admiring the spoonful as he brought it up, and kind of rolling it around in his mouth. The dude was into it.

Now, this is a long light, and he had a solid minute and change, so he got like 5 or 6 bites in, but…come on. Dude, you’re DRIVING! There’s no hands-free for YoPlait. If you’re going to eat yogurt in the car, get a tube of GoGurt. At least you can one-hand  the tube.

What did he do when he pulled away? I guess he locked that yogurt between his thighs like a cup of overheated coffee. What if he had to slam on the breaks and inadvertantly squeezed a berry yogurt spooge all over his pants. What if he got into an accident? Forget about clean underwear. Not only would it look like he got a little Cronenberg jizz joy out of the crash, but the little berry spots might make the EMTs think he’s spotting.

Yuck.

As strange as yogurt munching at the stoplight may seem, that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve seen here. A couple months ago, at this same intersection, I saw a woman eating hot soup out of a big tupperware-style container. No kidding. She was blowing on it and everything. That’s going to be a hell of a lawsuit. I can’t wait.

Summary

February. Didn’t really write in February. Kind of got bogged down in things, so I figure I’ll give a nice long summary post for the month, touch on the high points. Enjoy.

Went to Woodloch in the Poconos. Had a juggler knock a little straw out of my mouth with a juggling club while I made a sort of bear pooping in the woods squat. This followed my statement that one of my favorite parts of Woodloch was the bacon (I wanted to give the guy some material to work with making fun of me – that’s the point, right?) Noah screamed through the entire routine (Note – no more audience participation until Noah is in Kindergarten). When I returned to my seat, Noah wouldn’t stop moaning “My turn” while trying to run for the stage so we had to leave. I was a celebrity the next day with all the seniors who’d attended. “Hey, you were the guy with the juggler. That bacon guy.” They may have laughed, but they all had to admit that Woodloch has some mighty tasty bacon.

Also got Noah and Carol on the snow tubes. Jake was a master already. Noah was instantly in love with experience – he cried when we left after four runs. He wanted more. I made Carol go once and she still hasn’t forgiven me. Spent a good deal of time on their Woodloch Forest indoor playground too. It was seriously cool. Good trip all around.

Lots of snow this month. We’ve had about an inch of persistent ice on the driveway for a couple weeks. It’s been a thaw/freeze/snow – thaw/freeze/snow cycle. Kind of yuck. The worst part is, as always, the schmucks on the road. Stupid driving in winter weather aside, I have a HUGE issue to bring up. You MUST clean off your car. That means front and back windows and your roof. If you do not clean off your entire car you are an asshole. There is NO excuse. You are an asshole. I say this with confidence. You know that time you didn’t clean off your roof  – come on, we’ve all done it at least once – you know how that big 4 foot by 4 foot slice of ice and snow went flying off when you were doing 60 on the highway? Well, after that sort of righteous sound of slide and release, you forgot about it. But there was some schmuck behind you who saw the massive boomerang of nastiness come flying at his windshield, swerved to avoid it and almost went off the road. There is an 87% chance that the swerving schmuck in your rear view was me.

Look, it’s dangerous. Last year there was a young kid in New Jersey who got his window smashed in and his face all cut up. Clean off your roof. If you’re driving around with 8 inches of snow on your roof, you’re a dick. If you’re driving around with 8 inches of snow on your roof and that little gopher hole of snow remove from the windshield so you can barely peek out at the highway, you’re a cocksucker. Seriously.

If you have a big SUV and you’re 5 feet tall and you just can’t reach the roof, get a tall friend, get a stepladder, get a long brush, or get a car that you can properly clean. For years I’ve bitched and moaned that it should be a law. You must be at least this tall to buy this car. If you don’t measure up, it’s time to look at a subcompact. There’s no excuse. You’re just being lazy. Clean off your freaking car before you kill somebody…like me.

Forget about this winds of change crap – the candidate who has a clear anti-roof snow platform has a good chance at getting my vote in 2008.

Hmmmm…. what else can I bitch about. Oh, yeah. Disney. I’ve been catching a lot of Disney in the morning when I get up with Noah. Slim pickings on the kid networks before 5 am. On the mornings when I get up with Noah we’ve been watching Lilo and Stitch on one of the Disney channels. Not a bad show. In fact, I really like Disney. Overall. I like Disney World. I love the Pixar stuff. Most of the animation that goes into theaters is good. Most of the animated TV shows are good. They tend to say “stupid” or “idiot” a lot, words I don’t like hearing reopeated by the kids, but overall it’s not that bad.

But I HATE Disney tween programming. High School Musical or High School Musicrap? You decide.

Around 5 am there aren’t too many commercials, but the Disney channel shows all these music videos from their various teen sensations. I’ve seen a lot of videos from High School Musicrap II lately. A lot of Hannah Montana too. Absolutely atrocious. The music is terrible, the plot lines from the shows are bad 70’s sitcom style. Just really really bad. And they do these fake newsbreak things with kids pretending to be entertainment news media types, interviewing the cast and crew of various Disney projects (mostly made for TV movies or direct to DVD features). Self-serving, but not nearly as bad as Fox News turning last night’s American Idol episode into a 15 minute human interest story/shameless promotion of their awful programming.

Beyond the bad storylines and hackneyed pop hooks in the songs, I find the tween actors absolutely unbearable. They are so ridiculously melodramatic. Every one of the kids on these shows is liek hyped up on meth, with facial expressions and enthusiasm reminiscent of early Fritz Lang stuff. Check out Metropolis. Get a look at Peter Lorre in “M” and you’ll see what I mean. Aaargh! They’re so fucking sassy and cream puff melodramatic it make my gums bleed.

I challenge you to watch 5 minutes of Hannah Montana. If you get through the bad wigs, egregious and inferior rewrites of classic Saved by the Bell plots, god-awful music performances, Billy Ray Cyrus Achy-Breaky Heart jokes (and that stupid fucking Shaggy chin he’s got now), and the over-the-top scenery chewing acting without putting a fork in your eye, you win. Congratulations. You’ve now lost 5 minutes of your life and about 5% of your working left brain to permanent damage.

If I could just get Noah to watch the Tick at 5am it would be much more palatable.

OK, I guess that’s enough kvetching for February. Overall not a bad month. Busy. Short. Over. Here comes March… 

Peace

I saw a nice, new, ice blue Camry with shiny chrome details the other day driven by a little white-haired woman. I got a good look at her stopped at a traffic light. She was neatly dressed with well-coiffed locks, probably around 70. The car was brand new and in excellent shape. It looked washed, waxed, and professionally detailed. The design on the door floored me. There was a fairly large peace sign (maybe 10 inches in diameter) on the driver’s door. It looked like a vinyl decal.

I see these once in a while on older cars, usually a little beat up, surrounded by other stickers that fall into such categories as liberal, religiously ambiguous, or Bush-thumpin’. I’ve never seen one alongside a Redneck or Git r Done decal, but I’m holding out for a Holiday surprise. Interesting – I can honestly say I’ve never seen a peace sign on  a car with any sort of Jesus loves you/me/everybody message. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway, before I go off on any mean-spirited tangents, let me circle back to the warm fuzzy point. This cute little old lady slapped a dirty old decal on the side of her brand new car just to express something extremely EXTREMELY important. And I was lucky enough to witness it as the Holiday season is kicking off this year.