And another thing…

  • by Drew

I was talking about my disgusting back fat the other day and got onto South Beach. Now it’s stuck in my mind. We did South Beach almost a year ago. During the time we were following the plan pretty closely, I dropped about 30 pounds. And that carried through the holidays, so I was pretty happy about it. Since then I put about 10 pounds back on, but I’m still at like a -20 net, so…cool.

This time around though, especially with our basement currently full of wine and booze, I have been enjoying my evening cocktail quite a bit. Honestly, those first two weeks of the South Beach program, where you drop all alcohol along with the white bread and other junk, that’s sounding tough. I mean, I don’t think it’s time for a 12 step program or alcohol rehab or anything, but I have been making a lot of excuses, and the booze thing is definitely a contributing factor.

Anyway, I was always saving my institutional cherry for a nice drug treatment center after my rock opera did a three year run on Broadway, but my third major label release was summarily panned by the critics, but before my seminal ‘back-to-basics’ fifth album, self-produced and on most critics top-10 for the year lists…

Oh crap, did I write that or just think it?

Anyway, clearly none of this is in my future (or past or present) and I am destined to just be me, sans critical acclaim, so I think the Beverly Hills rehab is out. I’ll leave that to Britney. I’ll just forego my cocktails for a couple of weeks, try to melt some of the back bacon, and skip the liposuction. I’ll leave that to Britney as well.

Damn, she gets everything…rehab, lipo, K-fed. Some girls have all the luck.

Back Bacon

  • by Drew

So we’re putting in a wood stove. I figure we can either pay the oil companies thousands of dollars to heat our home this winter, or we can take advantage of our three plus acres of trees – many already on the ground – to heat our home. Yeah, it costs some bucks to put in the stove, but I’d rather give that money to Tim the stove guy.

And here’s a tasty tidbit I picked up while stove shopping – did you know that a fallen tree rotting in the woods produces more noxious junk than if you burn it in a proper wood stove. Holy crap! Environmentally sound combustion! There’s got to be a flaming tree-hugger joke in here somewhere…but that wasn’t my point.

See, the best place for our super efficient wood stove is the corner where our highly inefficient wood burning fireplace was. I say was, because it’s gone. It was a corner fireplace. The fireplace and angled-off corner are now gone, replaced by a proper corner and a lovely bluestone stove pad. Demolition is awesome.

While removing the old fireplace and tearing down it’s surrounding wall to make room for the new stove, I had to work around the protruding chimney apparatus that will be removed and replaced. A few nights ago, as I was finishing up, I stood and scratched my back against the metal bracing. I got a nasty, long, scratch that made a bloody welt.

And damn, when I looked in the mirror I realized I am hiding a lot of freaking fat back there. Seriously, I need some good old 80’s style diet pills. I need to pull an Alex P. Keaton (on Family Ties – you remember that episode, right?). I had to ask Carol to put some antibiotic cream on there and I was seriously embarrassed. It’s more or less invisible until you bend just the right way. Someone tell me please, what is the best fat burner? I totally need some.

It’s time to do the South Beach thing again. I’m eating too many french fries lately. And drinking too much wine. But damn, I feel like I have a couple ham hocks over my ass. That just won’t do.

Chatting at the wheel

  • by Drew

Let’s forget about Mothers Against Drunk Driving…how about Mothers against driving while phoning Seriously, I have had like 4 near miss accidents in the last week with people on their cell phones while driving. The scary thing is that half the time they don’t even know how close they came to an accident because they’re so busy chattering away.

One this morning would have really peeved me if it wasn’t so funny. On the way to work I was in a left only lane. There was a ton of traffic coming from the other direction and going straight. I had a long wait, but I know from experience that I will eventually get a green arrow and have an easy turn if there is no space in the oncoming rush. There was none.

Nevertheless, the woman behind me started laying on the horn after a few seconds of waiting. I can assure you, there was no way I could sneak through the cars from the opposite direction. It’s not like I let an opening go by because I knew I’d eventually get the arrow.

So I look in the rear view and see a 50-something woman in an Escalade. She is wearing sunglasses and looking out the passenger window, seemingly oblivious to the world around as she visibly gabs on her cell. At first I thought maybe it was another car, maybe I’m blaming the wrong person. Then, I see her lift her hand and press the horn, three long beeps. She never even looked up. She wasn’t even paying attention to see if I had gone. She was just gratuitously honking.

Am I taking crazy pills? First of all, if you must talk on a cell while driving, make it quick and do it safely. It’s not your living room – the license plates and seatbelts are a dead giveaway. Get yourself a Bluetooth headset and take care of business. You can pretend you’re at work. Fun! Fun! Fun!

Come on, John – I thought you’d go for…

  • by Drew

Sarah Palin. Eeeek. As a male in his mid-30s, I can honestly say I’ve seen a lot less porn than most of my peers, and still – even I know that Sarah Palin has got the porn secretary look down. Or maybe it’s the Freshman English teacher getting blackmailed into going down on a student who found an old copy of that magazine (I needed the money!) under his Dad’s bed. One or the other. Either way, she’s taking her cues from porn.

And if you don’t think that resonates with 25-45 year old male conservative voters, you’ve never been to a trade show in Dallas or Atlanta or Scottsdale. It’s amazing what good family men will do when away from hearth and home and within taxi-proximity of a strip club.

Anyway, now that we are finally getting to the point where we can get the current criminal out of office, when his popularity is so low that the Dems should be able to win running a chimp against his potential successor, let us consider what happens if McCain actually wins. Right now, McCain is riding on the backs of scared old people, mega-Christians, gun nuts and the greedy wealthy. And he’s added a psycho Ann Coulter clone to his ticket – and we’ll get to some truths about the ersatz porno-VP in a sec. So, let me say this – if Obama and Biden cannot take this election in a landslide (remembering that they actually do have real political experience in DC, and have documented  their plans for changing things in the next four years) it suggests to me that this nation has two problems.

First, as a nation, we are not ready to elect a black man. If that’s true…well, get me out of here.

Second, the gun nuts and Evangelical Christian have taken control. Look, I respect everyone’s right to their religious beliefs. It is a fundamental part of what makes America great. But if Christianity becomes  as integrated with politics as many of the Evangelical leaders would like, say goodbye to science in public school (my son’s favorite subject – aside from art which will probably be second or third on the list to go).

I don’t really believe that McCain can take this election with Palin at his side, because I think the selection was an obvious (and misguided) attempt to manipulate perceptions. But, I also never thought an idiot who wants us to be afraid of “Terrists” could be elected – and he’s been chipping away at the foundations of our nation for 8 years. So, as someone afraid of even more egregious stupidity in Washington, I am doing something I don’t usually do. I am taking information that is surely all over the Web right now and reposting here in case one of my valiant readers has not yet seen this stuff about the real Sarah Palin. And there are legitimate citations thanks to moveon.org just in case any one reading this was taken in by one of those Obama is a freaky Muslim emails from a few months ago.

  • Palin recently said that the war in Iraq is “God’s task.” She’s even admitted she hasn’t thought about the war much—just last year she was quoted saying, “I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq.” 1, 2
  • Palin has actively sought the support of the fringe Alaska Independence Party. Six months ago, Palin told members of the group—who advocate for a vote on secession from the union—to “keep up the good work” and “wished the party luck on what she called its ‘inspiring convention.'” 3
  • Palin wants to teach creationism in public schools. She hasn’t made clear whether she thinks evolution is a fact.4
  • Palin doesn’t believe that humans contribute to global warming. Speaking about climate change, she said, “I’m not one though who would attribute it to being manmade.” 5
  • Palin has close ties to Big Oil. Her inauguration was even sponsored by BP. 6
  • Palin is extremely anti-choice. She doesn’t even support abortion in the case of rape or incest. 7
  • Palin opposes comprehensive sex-ed in public schools. She’s said she will only support abstinence-only approaches. 8
  • As mayor, Palin tried to ban books from the library. Palin asked the library how she might go about banning books because some had inappropriate language in them—shocking the librarian, Mary Ellen Baker. According to Time, “news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire Baker for not giving “full support” to the mayor.” 9
  • She DID support the Bridge to Nowhere (before she opposed it). Palin claimed that she said “thanks, but no thanks” to the infamous Bridge to Nowhere. But in 2006, Palin supported the project repeatedly, saying that Alaska should take advantage of earmarks “while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist.” 10

Sources
1. “Palin: Iraq war ‘a task that is from God’,” Associated Press, September 3, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=24701&id=13701-10465615-75TYM6x&t=6

2. “Palin wasn’t ‘really focused much’ on the Iraq war,” ThinkProgress, August 30, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=24702&id=13701-10465615-75TYM6x&t=7

3. “The Sarah Palin Digest,” ThinkProgress, September 4, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/palin-digest/

4. “McCain and Palin differ on issues,” Associated Press, September 3, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=24703&id=13701-10465615-75TYM6x&t=8

5. Ibid

6. The Sarah Palin Digest,” ThinkProgress, September 4, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/palin-digest/

7. Ibid

8. Ibid.

9. “Mayor Palin: A Rough Record,” Time, September 2, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=24704&id=13701-10465615-75TYM6x&t=9

10. The Sarah Palin Digest,” ThinkProgress, September 4, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/palin-digest/

Commercials Suck Even More

  • by Drew

Why do we love assholes so much? Do you realize how many trillions and trillions of gigs of space are soaked up in the comment forums on TMZ-type sites with Springer wannabes arguing about the merits of loving/hating Paris, Britney (both chubbins and post-surgery versions), Loh-jam, Brange-fuckball, etc. Log into AOL instant messenger (come on, you know you want to) and actually look at the crap on the desktop application. Pick a link with an exciting new photo of one of these media darlings in a potentially compromising situation and spend some time reading the comments at the bottom. There will be dozens of “she’s a skank” comments along with “why don’t the evil paps leave these poor misguided celebrities alone” and a couple “I’m praying for you and your baby (or babies) because Jesus loves you and knows you are a good person and he is just waiting for you to step into his warm embrace and…” blah blah blah.

We love assholes. We love talking about assholes. We love arguing about whether or not they are assholes, or what quality of assholes they might be. And, some of us love complaining about the fact that we are alwasy talking about assholes. Yeah, I know I’m not helping the situation much right now.

But here’s the thing…in my commercial hating mode I have noticed several campaigns that celebrate asshole behavior. I mentioned the reflection phone ad in my last commercials post, but I forgot one of the worst offenders. There’s this awful Dell commercial focusing on digital cameras and bad Photoshop-for-dummies-esque software. This horse faced ass clown takes a bunch of rad self portraits with his chick. Then, they apparently break up and he starts taking bad shots of himself with his new chick. In between lady-friends he does some cropping of the old girlfriend from his terrific digital shots.

What is the message here? Technology will help you be a shallow prick. I mean, it’s not like he just painted a classic portrait only to find out she was banging his brush salesman, so he scribbles on a confusing smirk and changes the name of the painting from “Jenny Juggies” to “Mona Lisa” just to piss her off. This dude is taking self-portraits with a hundred dollar camera at a carnival. Just scrub the card and call it a day.

Why do we find this entertaining? Why do we celebrate people treating other people like assholes? Do you think he cropped her face out of the naked pics he got her to pose for after the carnival when she was all hopped up on fried Oreos and $15 beers? No, I bet he was emailing those to all his buds. He probably sent a couple shots to that dude with the mirror phone. No wonder that dude’s girlfriend looks so miffed.

Commercials Suck

  • by Drew

Not that commercials (or television in general) has been much worth watching…ever – but have you noticed the absolute crap quality of advertisement copywriting lately? One of my very specific pet peeves right now is asshole protagonists…and antagonists. There are tons of commericals right now featuring twoor three people, ostensibly lovers or friends, being total dicks to each other.

Example: The LG cell phone commercial with the mirror screen. The guy watches some chicks’ asses in reflection as they walk by. His girlie, sitting across the bistro table, texts that he is a pig. He shrugs his shoulders with a frank, “I don’t care what you think and what’s your problem anyway?” gesture. She rolls her eyes with disgust.

Hmmmm. This is a hell of a statement on young love, ain’t it? Couldn’t they come up with something a little better to capitalize on the whole mirror reflection angle (a cell phone feature I still can’t quite grasp as a value add – unless the mirror is somehow deflecting brain cancer rays…that would be cool).

Speaking of assholes, what about all those tax relief organizations. Dozens of pricks gloating about how they owed the IRS 100 grand in back taxes and they got away paying $57.87. HELLO! What the hell do I pay my bills for if some bs organization is going to bail out the chunkies who can’t file a 1040EZ once a year? I mean, I’m not naive. I know it’s not that simple, but they’re so smug about screwing the government out of tax revenue. I don’t need to see that after looking over my paystub and seeing half of my biweekly check go to tax and insurance. Can’t they drop the “Fuck you Uncle Sam” attitude and go with something more like, “Thanks for helping me keep my home and not go to jail after the IRS caught me being a deadbeat.” Some sign of humility might be nice. Maybe?

And what about the strung out chick “daring” to “touch” that phone on the ledge of a building? Man, I hate that one. She’s all sweaty and strung out like that hippie junkie Tom Hanks crushes on in Forrest Gump. Seriously. What is with the sweaty seventies junkie thing? She look like Stevie Nicks on a bender.

Oh, and those frickin’ Esurance commercials where the “real” customers get “animated” about their insurance. Have you seen those? Have you noticed how the customers’ waistlines shrink a little when they go cartoon? Have you noticed how the Lemon Tree haircuts get a little more stylish, the male hairlines not quite so receded. Dude, these are not fat and ugly people to start with, so if you’re going to cartoon-ify them, keep it honest.

So, what do I like? Burger King commercials. They’re hilarious. Every single time I see that big plastic molded King head with the big smile I crack up. When he’s peeping in the window I smile. When his kid (Burger Prince?) kicks him in the shin I laugh my ass off. When he plays football…well, you get the picture. I like the King.

Oh, one more thing. Another ridiculous thing that’s been driving me nuts when the TV is on. I’ll give it to you in just two words: Scrap gold.

Cheese Me, Jesus!

  • by Drew

Random thoughts to share (Noah was up a little early this morning) –

1. Noah is into saying “Wall-E” in a computer voice since we saw the preview on another Disney DVD movie months ago. When we were in Lake George a couple weeks ago we went to the Magic Forest (I’ll have to tell you about the Diving Horse at another time) and saw a Magic Show. The aged, very tired magician (in a white under shirt and royal blue sport coat) selected an adult volunteer for a $100 bill trick. The volunteer’s name was Wally, and at a random moment during the trick, after the magician had said the guy’s name a few times, Noah just piped up with his imitation, “WALL-E.” Maybe you had to be there but we were laughing our butts off.

2. Noah and Jake (but mostly Noah) are really into saying “Cheese Me!” at random times. They get it from a commercial – I think for Cheetos. It’s a way to get them to smile for pictures, at least.

3. I’ve never been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant, but after a commercial for one this morning I realized just how much it sounds like Juckie Jesus. It amuses me.

4. We were just watching an old Tom and Jerry cartoon and Jake (he got up a little while ago) was fascinated by a scene in which Jerry fell into a big wine bottle and…well, he fell down a bit. Jake asked, “IF you drink a lot of wine do you sometimes get really silly?”

Absolutely.

Always be true to yourself – – Or somebody…

  • by Drew

You already know I’m not a big Miley Cyrus fan. Hannah Montana is terrible. The music sucks. The kids are idiots. Billy Ray Cyrus is in it. Wait, I don’t think you caught that…Billy Ray Cyrus is in it. AS AN ACTOR. Not only is it shocking that someone procreated with Mr. Achy-Breaky mullet, but their demon spawn has made it onto lunchboxes throughout the retail world (in other words, not just Walmart).

Hannah-hate aside, I just saw an early morning public service announcement in the classic tween-Disney style. It was Miley Cyrus talking about the new video for her new single. It’s a hackneyed MTV concept. She’s kind of bopping and vamping in a torso shot with a sterile background. There are ersatz musicians in the frame behind her – at least sometimes. Not particularly creative and not particularly surprising. Some of her adolescent attempts at generating Jagger-esque orgasma-lips are kind of extra gross, but I’m sure those wacky kids will love it.

Anyway, good ol’ Miley is talking about the lyrical message. Apparently, it’s her core message to her fans. Stay true to yourself – that’s what is most important in life (and many more words to that fact).

Here’s the thing – Miley Cyrus has gotten famous portraying a girl who gets famous by pretending to be somebody else. Does the irony make your brain hurt too? Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

We’ll Have a Gay Old Time…or will we?

  • by Drew

We were just watching this reality game show thing on Bravo – it was about hair dressers and hosted by Jaclyn Smith. So…Bravo and competitive hairdressers…need I tell you that gayness abounded. No big surprise there. Even the commercials were in on it. There was this Buy.com commercial with Howie Mandel and a woman named “Gay” buying a blender. He was like, “I want a Gay smoothie,” and “Are you Gay all the time?” And there were a bunch of other commercials clearly targetting the urban metrosexual population. Again, no big surprise.

But here’s what I don’t get…in the middle of all these ads for Jose Cuervo and hair gel and Mamma Mia, there were several advertisements for distinctly senior-oriented stuff. The Mercedes sedan commercial for one. I may be stretching here, but it was definitely the old lady model, nothing sleek and sexy about it. And then there was the Robert Wagner pitch for reverse mortgages. That’s right seniors. you too can live off the equity in your home and screw your worthless, thankless grandchildren out of their inheritance. Go for it! And Metamucil. Berry Blast, sure, with the natural flavors of fresh cut strawberries, raspberries and blueberries (ooooh yummy antioxidants!)

Come on people! Bravo is gay and Bravo should be gay. You can say goodbye to Season 5 of Project Runway if they start pandering to old ladies with their oversized German-engineered monster sedans, their oodles of cash from deep-sixed home equity, and all that free time you can only get from good old regularity. That Activia yogurt junk ain’t got nothing on the big M.

I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, or some senior-fearing freak, but people, I beg you, pay attention here. It isn’t enough that they’re sucking Social Security dry? Don’t let them take our Bravo.

In Rod We Thrust

  • by Drew

I just wanted to share some of the more humorous subject lines from recent SPAM I’ve received, the title of this post being one of them. And you’ll note, not one about cumming like a porn star. Jizz-minded spammers appear to be, um, slacking.

– Celebrate National Blow Job Day! (Please note, the actual date for this momentous new holiday was not specified. Dang. But if anyone knows the date I’d like to pass it on to some people I know.)

– See thru bras and undies (Somebody should read my X-ray Specs post)

– Boggle her mind thoroughly (indeed, with the right pill I could blind her with science…literally)

– Get a totally Wicked Weiner

– Shove it in her face today

– Shover your dick in her (that’s correct – SHOVER – for those times when shoving it in her face just isn’t enough.)

– Whip your pecker into shape

– Elongate your trouser snake

– More flesh on your pole

– Length and girth are very important (Well, I have been making the girth argument for years…)

– Explore her deep hole

– Explore her deep hole more (I’m still waiting for Explore her deep hole the most)

The next three arrived in my inbox in the following order. I found it particularly amusing.

– Are you tired of high gas prices?

– Pump Harder and Longer

– Stop paying high prices for gas 60% DISCOUNT NOW!

© 2026 Drew Bancroft. All rights reserved. Totally.