We were on line at the store the other day and it happened again – a completely unbalanced and borderline insane person struck up a conversation with me. She did the same with the cashier, my children and my wife, but she focused most of her attention on me. I must admit, I am a crazy magnet. I have suffered this affliction all my life. Put it this way: a crazy person metaphorically parks their car in your spot every once in a while, they move into my house, eat all my food, use up all my toilet paper and sleep on my pillow…and that’s just for starters.

This one was a real trip. She wasn’t as interesting as that guy on the train when I was in high school who was trying to get to the VA in Peekskill (which I think was shut down by then) who described plucking out another man’s eye and mushing it on his forehead. It wasn’t a particularly vioent or menacing manner with which he told the story, and he actually chuckled when he said the guy’s eye continued to stare at him.

And then there was Billy. He was using the “home’s” community bike for a ride through the park the day I picnicked with Carol. Weird, but at least we have a hell of a first date story.

This woman on line was particularly off. Despite her stylish green eye makeup and 1988-style sunglasses, wrinkle removers or age-defying cream of some sort might have been in order. Particularly as she went on and on about being almost finished with her degree in Child Psychology.

This from a woman who thought my 11th month old daughter in pink with pink accents and an extra bit of pink garnishment was a boy. She also told me a joke that I think was supposed to be a dirty joke, involving a blond and a dozen cops. I didn’t hear her all that clearly, but even if I had, I don’t think the punchline would have, you know, delivered.

The freaky part of the joke was that she actually named 12 cops. She had their names and ranks, some were detectives, and she kept saying things like “Do you know Detective So and So,” and “Ooooh, Sergeant Blank is really handsome.”

I said, “I wouldn’t know” and wished she would stop saying how handsome my baby girl is.