Commercials Suck

Posted on August 21, 2008

Not that commercials (or television in general) has been much worth watching…ever - but have you noticed the absolute crap quality of advertisement copywriting lately? One of my very specific pet peeves right now is asshole protagonists…and antagonists. There are tons of commericals right now featuring twoor three people, ostensibly lovers or friends, being total dicks to each other.

Example: The LG cell phone commercial with the mirror screen. The guy watches some chicks’ asses in reflection as they walk by. His girlie, sitting across the bistro table, texts that he is a pig. He shrugs his shoulders with a frank, “I don’t care what you think and what’s your problem anyway?” gesture. She rolls her eyes with disgust.

Hmmmm. This is a hell of a statement on young love, ain’t it? Couldn’t they come up with something a little better to capitalize on the whole mirror reflection angle (a cell phone feature I still can’t quite grasp as a value add - unless the mirror is somehow deflecting brain cancer rays…that would be cool).

Speaking of assholes, what about all those tax relief organizations. Dozens of pricks gloating about how they owed the IRS 100 grand in back taxes and they got away paying $57.87. HELLO! What the hell do I pay my bills for if some bs organization is going to bail out the chunkies who can’t file a 1040EZ once a year? I mean, I’m not naive. I know it’s not that simple, but they’re so smug about screwing the government out of tax revenue. I don’t need to see that after looking over my paystub and seeing half of my biweekly check go to tax and insurance. Can’t they drop the “Fuck you Uncle Sam” attitude and go with something more like, “Thanks for helping me keep my home and not go to jail after the IRS caught me being a deadbeat.” Some sign of humility might be nice. Maybe?

And what about the strung out chick “daring” to “touch” that phone on the ledge of a building? Man, I hate that one. She’s all sweaty and strung out like that hippie junkie Tom Hanks crushes on in Forrest Gump. Seriously. What is with the sweaty seventies junkie thing? She look like Stevie Nicks on a bender.

Oh, and those frickin’ Esurance commercials where the “real” customers get “animated” about their insurance. Have you seen those? Have you noticed how the customers’ waistlines shrink a little when they go cartoon? Have you noticed how the Lemon Tree haircuts get a little more stylish, the male hairlines not quite so receded. Dude, these are not fat and ugly people to start with, so if you’re going to cartoon-ify them, keep it honest.

So, what do I like? Burger King commercials. They’re hilarious. Every single time I see that big plastic molded King head with the big smile I crack up. When he’s peeping in the window I smile. When his kid (Burger Prince?) kicks him in the shin I laugh my ass off. When he plays football…well, you get the picture. I like the King.

Oh, one more thing. Another ridiculous thing that’s been driving me nuts when the TV is on. I’ll give it to you in just two words: Scrap gold.

Cheese Me, Jesus!

Posted on August 10, 2008

Random thoughts to share (Noah was up a little early this morning) -

1. Noah is into saying “Wall-E” in a computer voice since we saw the preview on another Disney DVD movie months ago. When we were in Lake George a couple weeks ago we went to the Magic Forest (I’ll have to tell you about the Diving Horse at another time) and saw a Magic Show. The aged, very tired magician (in a white under shirt and royal blue sport coat) selected an adult volunteer for a $100 bill trick. The volunteer’s name was Wally, and at a random moment during the trick, after the magician had said the guy’s name a few times, Noah just piped up with his imitation, “WALL-E.” Maybe you had to be there but we were laughing our butts off.

2. Noah and Jake (but mostly Noah) are really into saying “Cheese Me!” at random times. They get it from a commercial - I think for Cheetos. It’s a way to get them to smile for pictures, at least.

3. I’ve never been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant, but after a commercial for one this morning I realized just how much it sounds like Juckie Jesus. It amuses me.

4. We were just watching an old Tom and Jerry cartoon and Jake (he got up a little while ago) was fascinated by a scene in which Jerry fell into a big wine bottle and…well, he fell down a bit. Jake asked, “IF you drink a lot of wine do you sometimes get really silly?”

Absolutely.

Always be true to yourself - - Or somebody else that you like pretending to be… Whichever one works for you.

Posted on August 7, 2008

You already know I’m not a big Miley Cyrus fan. Hannah Montana is terrible. The music sucks. The kids are idiots. Billy Ray Cyrus is in it. Wait, I don’t think you caught that…Billy Ray Cyrus is in it. AS AN ACTOR. Not only is it shocking that someone procreated with Mr. Achy-Breaky mullet, but their demon spawn has made it onto lunchboxes throughout the retail world (in other words, not just Walmart).

Hannah-hate aside, I just saw an early morning public service announcement in the classic tween-Disney style. It was Miley Cyrus talking about the new video for her new single. It’s a hackneyed MTV concept. She’s kind of bopping and vamping in a torso shot with a sterile background. There are ersatz musicians in the frame behind her - at least sometimes. Not particularly creative and not particularly surprising. Some of her adolescent attempts at generating Jagger-esque orgasma-lips are kind of extra gross, but I’m sure those wacky kids will love it.

Anyway, good ol’ Miley is talking about the lyrical message. Apparently, it’s her core message to her fans. Stay true to yourself - that’s what is most important in life (and many more words to that fact).

Here’s the thing - Miley Cyrus has gotten famous portraying a girl who gets famous by pretending to be somebody else. Does the irony make your brain hurt too? Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

We’ll Have a Gay Old Time…or will we?

Posted on July 12, 2008

We were just watching this reality game show thing on Bravo - it was about hair dressers and hosted by Jaclyn Smith. So…Bravo and competitive hairdressers…need I tell you that gayness abounded. No big surprise there. Even the commercials were in on it. There was this Buy.com commercial with Howie Mandel and a woman named “Gay” buying a blender. He was like, “I want a Gay smoothie,” and “Are you Gay all the time?” And there were a bunch of other commercials clearly targetting the urban metrosexual population. Again, no big surprise.

But here’s what I don’t get…in the middle of all these ads for Jose Cuervo and hair gel and Mamma Mia, there were several advertisements for distinctly senior-oriented stuff. The Mercedes sedan commercial for one. I may be stretching here, but it was definitely the old lady model, nothing sleek and sexy about it. And then there was the Robert Wagner pitch for reverse mortgages. That’s right seniors. you too can live off the equity in your home and screw your worthless, thankless grandchildren out of their inheritance. Go for it! And Metamucil. Berry Blast, sure, with the natural flavors of fresh cut strawberries, raspberries and blueberries (ooooh yummy antioxidants!)

Come on people! Bravo is gay and Bravo should be gay. You can say goodbye to Season 5 of Project Runway if they start pandering to old ladies with their oversized German-engineered monster sedans, their oodles of cash from deep-sixed home equity, and all that free time you can only get from good old regularity. That Activia yogurt junk ain’t got nothing on the big M.

I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, or some senior-fearing freak, but people, I beg you, pay attention here. It isn’t enough that they’re sucking Social Security dry? Don’t let them take our Bravo.

In Rod We Thrust

Posted on May 8, 2008

I just wanted to share some of the more humorous subject lines from recent SPAM I’ve received, the title of this post being one of them. And you’ll note, not one about cumming like a porn star. Jizz-minded spammers appear to be, um, slacking.

- Celebrate National Blow Job Day! (Please note, the actual date for this momentous new holiday was not specified. Dang. But if anyone knows the date I’d like to pass it on to some people I know.)

- See thru bras and undies (Somebody should read my X-ray Specs post)

- Boggle her mind thoroughly (indeed, with the right pill I could blind her with science…literally)

- Get a totally Wicked Weiner

- Shove it in her face today

- Shover your dick in her (that’s correct - SHOVER - for those times when shoving it in her face just isn’t enough.)

- Whip your pecker into shape

- Elongate your trouser snake

- More flesh on your pole

- Length and girth are very important (Well, I have been making the girth argument for years…)

- Explore her deep hole

- Explore her deep hole more (I’m still waiting for Explore her deep hole the most)

The next three arrived in my inbox in the following order. I found it particularly amusing.

- Are you tired of high gas prices?

- Pump Harder and Longer

- Stop paying high prices for gas 60% DISCOUNT NOW!

Villain!

Posted on April 22, 2008

If you use AOL Instant Messenger, like I often do, you are probably familiar with the AIM Dashboard. It’s a little “portal” page that opens up in your browser of choice whenever you log in. I like it because there are always a few teaser newsbits, often from TMZ, that keep me informed about the happenings in the lives of all my favorite celebs. For example, I just found out that Lindsay Lohan was recently spotted chugging vodka. Surprise surprise. I guess she hasn’t accepted Jesus as her personal savior yet, but it’s only a matter of time, right? Oh yeah, and they tell me that Miley Cyrus keeps slutting it up. This sort of news brings me some solace, hoping that she will soon pose for Playboy and the Hannah Montana empire will begin its slow, inevitable crumble. Today’s featured line of Target handbags will be tomorrow’s Dollar Store crop of poorly made pencil cases and melamine HM kiddie mugs.

I’m sure Disney will bring us an even more insipid tween nightmare in her wake, but maybe, just maybe, they’ll come up with something really cool - like a middle-American high school honor student wrestling with his sexuality. Hilarious politically correct, sexuality-sensitive hijinks and Three’s Company-esque misunderstandings will no doubt ensue. I can’t wait.

Anyway, rambling aside, one of the Dashboard items this morning was a “Where are they now” bit about the cast of the classic movie The Goonies, inspired by rumors of an upcoming sequel. Sean Astin, or Mikey (and alleged source of the sequel rumor), has made a name for himself as both the unlikely football hero, Rudy, and endearingly loyal Hobbit, Sam. Jeff Cohen, the kid who played Chunk, is now a slightly trimmer entertainment lawyer. Ke Huy Quan who played Data also appeared in the second Indiana Jones movie, and is now doing stuff like being a martial arts coordinator on the X-Men movie. And he was in Encino Man, so…he’s got that going for him too.

Martha Plimpton does some TV and is a pretty successful Broadway actress. Joe Pantoliano almost messed everything up for the human race in The Matrix and ended up in a bowling bag - at least partially - on The Sopranos. Josh Brolin, besides having a badass Papa and terrifying stepmom, has done a ton of stuff. And Corey Feldman is…well…I have nothing else to say about that.

Here’s the funny part - and the point of this whole entry. Thank you for reading this far. Both of you.

If you remember the bad guys in The Goonies, there was the older brother, Jake Fratelli, played by actor Robert Davi. The little AIM Dashboard “where are they now” bit noted that Davi has had a long and role-filled career, distinguished by the fact that he usually plays a villain of some stripe. He’s in several movies, and he’s done a lot of TV, and he’s almost always a vicious bad guy. And then for no real reason, the micro essay mentions that Davi is a very vocal supporter of both George W. Bush and the war in Iraq.

They say that for some people acting is a real challenge, particularly acting like a villainous ass-munch. I guess for others it just comes naturally.

X-Ray Specs

Posted on April 19, 2008

I was in the parking lot outside Toys R Us in Kingston with Jake after securing a sweet Lego set: Batman Arkham Asylum. That’s right, they’ve made a great toy based on the crazy house from Batman comics - the place where they stick homicidal crazies like the Joker, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, Poison Ivy, etc. in between crime sprees. Very cool. And it was on clearance. I got it for under $20 (with tax), cut down from $75+. I am the king of clearance toy finds, and now we something nice for Jake’s birthday in August.

As we got back into the Jeep I noticed the plate on the truck facing us. ICTHROOU. Cute. He sees through me (or maybe us). The funny thing is, there was a mini pink bra hanging from the rear view mirror.

Is it just me, or is this somebody who got a set of novelty x-ray specs and took it way too seriously?

Excelsior! (as told by Daring Drew)

Posted on April 16, 2008

My friend Ted and I were putting together a case of nice wine to lay down for drinking in 5 plus years. We have different experiences and preferences, so we were making selections together so we’d each have some new and unexpected treats to enjoy at some point down the line. We came across an inexpensive bottle of South African Cabernet Sauvignon called Excelsior that I’ve tasted before. It is very different from California Cab. Somewhat dark cherry fruity with a clear dose of that charred thing that so many South African reds have. Definitely worth a try for less than ten bucks I told him.

He laughed and said his Aunt had a friend Stanley that she’d known many years. Quite a few years ago he met her after lunch with this friend in the city. Turns out the friend in question was none other than Stan Lee of Marvel comics fame. You know, the guy who created Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, Daredevil, Iron Man, etc. etc. etc. A lifelong comics fan, Ted freaked. Then he calmed down and over time, has built a relationship with Smilin’ Stan.

Marvel comics fans will know that Stan Lee is well known for exclaiming “Excelsior!” somewhat frequently. So Ted bought a bottle and said he’d send it to Stan, giving my name for having made the recommendation. Cool, maybe I’ll get lucky and get a signed photo or something, I thought. Well, I got something even better.

Stan Lee sent me a signed photo, and boy did he sign it. He turned it into a veritable work of art! He also gave me a new nickname that I must insist gets frequent use by all friends, family and acquaintances. Daring Drew. That’s right. Daring Drew. Call me Daring Drew.

Many thanks to Titanic Ted for helping me secure this treasure, and many thanks to Stan Lee for giving me a cool nickname. (According to Titanic, Stan the Man has given others less cool nicknames - I could have been Droopy Drew or something.)

Without further ado, I share a link to a photo of the photo, taken by Captivating Carol (now I’m handing out nicknames) right over here.

By the way, for the winos out there, our cellar selections included Frog’s Leap Cab, BR Cohn Olive Hill Cab, Dry Creek’s Mariner Meritage, and Joseph Phelps Napa Cab.

Excelsior!

Nice 08

Posted on April 4, 2008

I got cut off twice the other day by the same car. First, he pulled out from a side street on the Taconic and I had to slam on my brakes to avoid rear-ending him. When I had the chance, I passed on the left and got back into the right lane after putting many car lengths between us. I fell back into my consistent 63 miles per hour thanks to good old cruise control. About a minute later, the same car raced passed on the left, cut sharply in front of me - seriously, only allowing a couple of feet - and promptly slammed on the brakes.

Now, I don’t know if he was somehow pissed because I had passed him and wanted to make a point. Or maybe he had to answer a cell phone call - that’s frequently important to asshole drivers. Maybe he was just really clueless and thereby reckless. It happens all the time, so I wouldn’t have noted it except for one detail…his license plate.

It read: NICE 08

Ummm. Yeah. Not really.

Bumper Love

Posted on March 28, 2008

I saw a great bumper sticker the other night:

Born OK the First Time

Awesome.

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