Coincidence?

I was flipping through a copy of this DIY magazine I get and found a very amusing page toward the back, among the ads. There are always several full page ads for male enhancement products, secrets of “better sex” and instructional tools for pleasuring women. Now, I don’t usually pay any attention to these ads – ahem, the ladies know why – but one of the lesser pages got my attention.

It was a page with several ads, all 1/6 page or less in size. It was not so much any particular ad that got me going, it was the combination of ads that seemed, well, so fortuitous as to be exceedingly humorous. (Pretty Shakespearean there, huh?)

Here is a run down of the ads on this particular page:

 – Two male sexual enhancement ads, one that specifically promised a “minimum of 4 to 5 additional inches.”
 – One ad selling plans to make your own pull-down Murphy-style bed.
 – One ad for an energy supplement.
 – One ad for a discount condom assortment to try out a variety of styles and options.
 – One ad for discount cigarettes – “roll your own and save!”

Is it just me or is this particular ad really targeting a specific consumer? One who needs a convenient bed that can be yanked out of the wall at any moment because he’s got a lot of energy, a well-prepped tool, safety measures, and smokes for relaxing afterwards.

It seems the only thing missing was an ad to buy weight loss pills, but there were a few of those on the next page. And anyway, who needs weight loss pills after all that good wholesome cardiovascular exercise?

Building the bed, of course. That’s what I mean. There’s a lot of exercise required to build a pull-down bed.

Heat

No, no, I’m not referring to that delightful little film about crime in the gritty 90s, questionably moral cops versus honorable but misguided crooks… I’m talking about the physical, steaming, sweltering, excruciating, sweaty heat. Maybe it’s not really the heat. Maybe it’s the humidity. Whatever. Maybe dry heat would be better. Who cares? The point is I feel very hot and I want my air conditioner to work.

That’s right, my brand new, thousands of dollars to install while the addition was going on because the old unit had a fried compressor central air conditioning unit. It went in over a month ago, but we had to wrestle with the plumber for over a month to actually get it fired up. And then we had this little problem with an improperly attached drain so gallons of water poured through the master bedroom ceiling. (That was last week – I probably didn’t mention it because my blood pressure is already in the “could fly without an airplane” zone.

So the pipe is now fixed and the ceiling will eventually be fixed and everybody was in the house on Sunday for the boys’ birthdays and my little sweeties Christening and the air conditioner ran all day. and I’m pretty sure it actually drove the temperature up. Dude, we are so in WTF land at this point.

So I called the guy yesterday and we did a little experiment since he thought I was exaggerating. I actually taped a portable digital thermometer to one of the registers and ran the system for 15 minutes. He called me back to check n the temp and it had moved 4 tenths of a degree south. In 15 minutes. And actually, I think that’s generous, because I was watching the temp jack up while I was handling the thermometer and getting the tape on it.

Now the system seems to be functioning just like it did before the new unit was installed. When we had the old unit with the busted compressor. Oh crap.

Somebody is supposed to come adjust it tonight. Or fix it. Or just play with it. Or maybe not show up for 3 or 4 days, since that is how it has usually played out over the last 6 weeks or so. But after this relatively mild summer, these past few ridiculously humid days are taking their toll on everyone’s morale and I can’t help thinking, maybe now is the time to be looking for hot (no pun intended) deals to Miami.

Clues for the Clueless

There’s this jewelry site, Bella True, and they have a section called Tips For Guys. I like the concept. Let’s face it, men are often in a quandary about what to buy, and when. Is it appropriate to give your lingerie on your first Valentine’s Day? When is a tongue stud cute and spontaneous as opposed to very very creepy?

Seriously, though, most guys are overwhelmed considering the possibilities for bracelet, ring or necklace. What about gemstone selection, pearls, silver or gold? The real challenge for many when it comes to gift giving is understanding the recipient’s point of view and buying from that perspective.

I remember a High School girlfriend who bought me a patterned sweater for Christmas. It was a very nice sweater, but it just was not me. At the time I owned one other sweater, solid colored, that I had worn maybe two times in as many years. I did not wear sweaters. I did not wear preppy. Clearly she wanted t see me in the sweater, but man, I hated it. And what was I to do? Be honest and say I didn’t like it? Be gracious, accept it, and then ball it up in the corner of my closet? There was no way to come out ahead in that situation, and I assure you, I did not come out ahead.

So I like the Tips for Guys idea. And the content is pretty solid. There is info about color choices and gem selection, there is a decent primer on engagement rings, and there is even an anniversary guide, something I search out every year. There’s even the vaguely comical “When Sorry isn’t enough” section.

I’m not, however, loving everything about this site. For one, the stock photos are all over the place. We start with a bunch of twentysomethings having a beer. On other pages we see a shrugging clueless dude in a cheap suit, and then there’s the late forties guy who looks like he just woke up, scratching his head. Is that supposed to call to mind confusion about jewelry buying or is he just contemplating his morning wood?

There are actually some fine photos in use, but the inconsistency bugs me. It’s like, they got it really close to right, but phoned it in on a couple of selections.

Here’s my other problem. Obviously the Tips for Guys are intended to guide us to purchases from Bella True. And that’s cool. It’s helpful editorial supporting the sale of their own merchandise. Great idea. What I take issue with, however, is that the copy is clearly written for the the guy in his mid-twenties. I mean, if it is directed at me, someone who has navigated these waters for 15 or so years, I would find it very condescending. But I recognize the intended audience, so…cool.

The suggested gifts, however, tend to be on the pricey side. I mean, engagement rings and such, aside, is it really appropriate to suggest three-month earrings that cost over $1000? Or a $659 brooch. I mean, if this were directed at career-minded fortysomethings who are looking to fill that lonely void, or something, I would be fine. But when I imagine a twenty-five year old kid still living with his parents and trying to woo the associate account manager who sits two cubes over…I don’t know.

It starts feeling like Tips for guys with Trust Funds, or Tips for Guys whose Dad got them a job on the Trading Floor. In this economy that is fast approaching Depression-era financial devastation, I think it is finally time to put the gravestone on the bling-culture.

In all fairness, though, I think the price points on the one-month suggestions were way more reasonable. And you can never have too many earrings, right? Maybe, though, they should actually quote out the prices on the preview page so a click-through to disappointment is not necessary. Or maybe they could offer price ranges to help potential shoppers self-direct.

All in all, I like the site and it is a solid concept worth a read. But I think a little editing and maybe a little more careful thought as far as product suggestion would make this work far better. Otherwise, I think Bella True will get a lot of traffic to their Tips for Guys editorial, but I’m afraid a lot of those guys will take that knowledge elsewhere looking for a cheaper deal.

Camping

Yes, three cool guys camping. Jake, Noah and me. The wonder, the magic, the marvels…the bug bites. Oh so many bug bites.

But we had fun. Really, a lot of fun. There was a pool and a 9 hole mini golf course. There was a decent playground and a bouncy house. Or jumpy house if you are Noah. There were a few families with kids, even one from Quebec so Jake and Noah could experiment with their cross-lingual communication skills.

Their cross-lingual skills need a lot of work.

Nevertheless, everyone said au revoir with a big smile on.

And the people were pretty darn nice. Whether they came in big RVs or towing pop-up campers, whether they were tent camping or renting a cabin, most everyone had a smile or a wave or a “how ya doin'” when they walked by. People got pretty quiet a good hour before the 10pm noise ban, and stayed that way until well after 8am.

And though there was a little bit of excess flesh here in there, it was in no way the “I need colon cleanser” Walmart shopper fest I have to admit I expected. Just nice, friendly, normal people. Maybe they wanted to save a few bucks on a hotel. Maybe they just like the outdoors.

Hell, I’ve slept on a lot of floors in my day and as long as it isn’t raining hard or too cold, I will take a sleeping bag on the ground in a tent in favor of berber over hardwood any day of the week. Seriously. Even if there are roots and rocks, you can always wriggle yourself into a pretty comfortable position.