Explorers

The boys are adventurers. They are scientists and explorers. They are all about discovery. They have explorer tools – these giant plastic swiss army type toys with an assortment of fold out tools. They have canteens and head mount miner lights. They have action watches with timers and alarms and magnifying glasses and compasses. They have flashlights. Many, many flashlights. And sleeping bags.

Frequently, they like to gear up and do some exploring. They put on their head lights and watches. They hang their canteens around their necks and look good in their goggles. They wander and run and jump, inside and out. They’re like little machines, in constant motion. No Avesil necessary, they are slim and trim and ready to go.

So trim, in fact, that this morning we got an unexpected show. Noah was gearing up with sunglasses, miner light and action watch. He was still wearing his pajamas, the elastic-waisted shorts of which were being a bit overtaxed by three light sabers. He had my red one, Jake’s green one and his own blue one. And as he walked around with all three light sabers hanging from the front of his shorts, we noticed that the waistband was stretched a little low. So low, in fact, that his own saber was was making an appearance.

Nevertheless, he moseyed about, nonchalant is his quad-phallic glory. And oh, how we did laugh.

apple of my eye

The other day I realized just what a master manipulator my first-going-on-second grader is becoming. Just like dear old Dad. I don’t know if I should be incredibly proud of my progeny, or increasingly suspicious and wary.

He had asked me if we’d be going on vacation this summer. I thought Jersey Shore jaunts. I thought Vegas trips. I thought Orlando vacations. And I hedged a little. We just put an expensive addition on the house. We have a newborn to tote along. Just how much fun are we going to have for a couple nights locked in a room with a baby crying all night, and locked in to her nursing schedule all day?

“We could go to Lake George again,” he suggested. Back to the same hotel we enjoyed last summer with the great indoor pool (including waterslide) and free breakfast. And we could go to the Magic Forest again. Of course, the Magic Forest. the classic Lake George kiddie park with dozens of rides of the St. Someone of the Something Catholic Church Italian Festival variety.

Pretty cool, actually. We had a lot of fun there last year. But when he mentioned it I wondered aloud if he wasn’t getting too old for the Magic Forest. His little brother is at the perfect age for these rides, but an almost-second-grader. Didn’t he think he would be bored?

He threw his hands out to the sides and adopted a truly flabbergasted expression. With some exaggeration he said, “Dad, are you kidding. You think I’d be bored? No way.”

He shook his head in wonder. Could his old man really be that clueless? “That place is just awesome!”

It was an a performance for the Academy. No lie. This kid is going to be trouble. Serious trouble. A conniving, manipulative, silver-tongued little devil. A true bs artist.

Just like his Pop.

Almost done

The addition is almost done and I am having seriously mixed feelings. These guys have been here almost every day for almost 2 months. Back then we had two big bedrooms and a lot of wasted space. We had a useless landing and the boys were somewhat crammed into their room. The space just didn’t make sense. Now we have three kids with their own rooms. We have huge closets in our master bedroom and the space seems to make perfect sense.

We’re almost done now. The guys are just finishing up staining the house and we should have the final, certificate of occupancy any day now. Most of the checks have been written, most of the work is done, and now I contemplate morning after morning without Joe and Bob and Shadow (the dog).

Geez, I think I’m getting misty here. Quick! I need ideas. I need projects. I need time consuming but very inexpensive projects to keep these guys around. Walkways, gazebos, deck staining, arbor construction, room painting…I need ideas!

But I guess it’s not going to happen. I will just have to let go.

Sigh.

One Step Beyond…

Since the start of 2009 I have received dozens of freaky emails. In the middle of the hundred or so daily spam messages I summarily delete without barely a glance, I have noticed something particularly creepy. Several recently deceased celebrities have been emailing me.

No lie.

The King of Pop has been pitching ringtones to me for days. several times a day, actually. O’Neal Woman and Ryan’s Girl both suggest I should lose some weight fast – and they have just the pills to help. Fairah Faucet (sic) doesn’t think I should waste time going back to school – I should just my my official-looking diploma online. Isn’t technology totally fab? Socks the Cat has suggested that oral sex is the way to go (just ask my former owner Bill) and John Updike, of all disembodied spirits, has been downright begging that I stop disappointing my wife in the bedroom. 

Thankfully Patrick McGoohan and Ricardo Montalban have been keeping their distance. Clearly they both realize that whether or not the plane is on its way, I am not a number.

Naysayers are surely pinning this unique paranormal phenomenon on the tactless, eel-like scum that engages in the professional spam-business, but isn’t it more fun and entertaining to realize the truth…I am being contacted by celebrities from beyond.

But if I get an American Express solicitation from the late, great Karl Malden, I know what to do: Discover boxes and get the hell out of dodge because that would be too wrong to be anything but the genuine article.

Peace out Father Barry.

Movement

What with the new baby and the new square footage upstairs and way more work than I wanted to be doing in the past month, I haven’t had much time for distractions. You know, like messing with Facebook or following the Michael Jackson autopsy controversy, or getting really upset about what’s going on in Albany. Don’t get me started, but for anybody who doesn’t follow New York news, we may have one of the most ridiculous state senates in the history of state senates. Seriously, it’s pathetic.

I heard half a story on NPR this morning about how a vote on the Democratic side was ruled invalid because a Republican senator “accidentally” voted. They said something like he walked through the room on his way to get a cup of coffee and he was somehow included in the count. Are you freaking kidding me? This can’t be accurate. Can this really be true?

It’s getting pathetic. Pretty soon these schmucks are going to have to really watch their backs. People are seriously getting pissed. Forget about crazies in the street, these guys own doctors will probably be spiking their Lipitor prescriptions. I hear you can get a good Rochester medical malpractice attorney…it might be worth the violation of the Hippocratic oath. Hell, that story would be good for free beers for life in any Albany pub.

Another round for the Doc who took on the 2009 state senate with prescription laxatives. Anything to get this deliberative body moving. Wink wink.