So we’ve got TV back. Several people have been asking me about it. I mean, we dropped service over a year ago when I realized there was a weekend-long nonstop Spongebob marathon on multiple channels and my kids were, instead, watching a Spongebob DVD because it had “the one we want to watch.” Now, after a 14 or 15 month hiatus, the verdict is in. We’ve missed nothing. Sure, I like a few things here and there, and it is nice to be able to flip the TV on and not have to select a DVD or Netflix streaming program. But really, I mostly just waste time looking for something to watch…or watching something I’ve already seen because there’s nothing else on.

Maybe if cat fighting among paparazzi wannabes, eating disgusting stuff, or glorified talent show performances are your thing, you can find something worth watching. Personally I don’t care if you can dance, sing, bitch, kvetch, cohabitate, diet, cook, decorate cakes or eat bugs in a competitive situation. You want a good and interesting reality show with real people? How about navigating the red tape of insurance claims?

Get a dozen people who’ve gone through surgery and see who is most persistent in refusing to take no for an answer. The winner actually gets his or her bills paid and the resulting ulcer is covered! Hell, give the winner a get out of pre-existing condition card while you’re at it. Or maybe you can do one of those get-the-job-at-the-end-of-the-season shows to hire someone who can actually explain the ins and outs of ssdi or Medicare/Medicaid… No, on second thought, I don’t think that’s actually possible.

And yet, I did discover a reality-ish TV show that I enjoyed last night. I probably won’t ever watch it again since I was halfway through the 4th episode when I trudged up to bed last night, but in a pinch. The show was Bait Car, and in the fine tradition of the greatest reality show of all time – Cops – we see the criminals at work, on camera, and we see them busted.

The concept is simple. Cops ditch a bait car in a crime ridden neighborhood through any of a number of methods, surreptitious or otherwise. Eventually, hooligans descend upon the vehicle and do their dirty deeds. As they rifle through the contents of the car, they usually notice that keys have been left in the ignition. Eureka! 

It’s all on camera and the cops have a device that will cause the car’s engine to stop once the crook has to driven to a more or less safe and out of the way location. They usually also can lock the doors so the villain is stuck inside. I guess it depends on the budget of the police force in question.

I don’t know how long this show has been on so it may be old news for anyone who’s had television for the last 15 months, but for me…pure viewing gold.

I have recently rediscovered a past addiction. For a period of two or three years in my young teen years, I became an avid comic collector. I started with a single title, but when a small video store in the next town started selling comics (the owner being a total comic addict himself) I began making weekly visits.

A year or so after I discovered this little haven, the shop closed down. A few weeks later, the video part reopened under new ownership, but the comic racks were gone. Apparently, the comic-loving owner was so into Marvel and DC that he kept two copies of everything he sold. And pretty soon, he was deep in the red. Oh well.

Now, I certainly didn’t stop reading comics. In fact, I maintained my love of comics over the years since, but I mostly stopped reading monthly mags and switched to trade paperbacks and graphic novels. Sometimes these were standalone storied outside of the normal continuity of a particular title, but other time a book like this would simply collect a series of comics in single place, covering a particular story arc.

Recently, though, I have been picking up comics here and there. Mostly old ones at flea markets (old now meaning 80s era – the time period I used to collect) but I’ve also grabbed some newer stuff. And lately I’ve grabbed a couple of cheap ebay lots. Some ebayers will sell books for a fraction of their potential value if you are willing to grab a boxful. Since I am just getting back into collecting, this is a great way to go for me. It gives me a chance to read a couple of issues of a particular title and see if it is something for me. I can either go to a back issue dealer and try to fill in the blanks, or I can, when I am ready, put together some mixed lots of my own and get the comics back out there for someone else to start, or round out, their collection.

Comics have a lot of detractors, but I, for one, am a big fan. In fact, I am so much of a fan that I am happy to see my oldest kid starting to read them. He can still read a novel, about 3 grade levels beyond his age in fact, so if he wants to pick up a comic once in while, that’s cool with me.

I’ve known people who say that comics are a sort of anti-literature because the art keeps you from developing a mental picture. That might be a valid argument if comics were novels, but they’re not. It is a wholly different medium. If a great film can be a great film, in spite of its plain reliance on visual storytelling, a comic, or any sort of story told in a comic format is equally valid. If you disagree, open your mind to The Watchmen, Maus, or even American Splendour. Don’t kid yourself, these are tremendous bits of narrative. They are unique and powerful. At times, even profound. and they do not rely on violence or gratuitous profanity to “shock and awe” their readers. Instead, they use compelling imagery, both as depicted in the art, and in the poetry of the storytelling.

Seriously.

I’ve been ruminating a bit about bellies and bad diet, and it sets me off on a whole other tangent. While half of America is bloating so fast that Wall-E chic no longer seems particularly fanciful, the other half seems obsessively vain.

Maybe that’s not entirely accurate froma  fractional perspective, but say we’ve got 40% hugeness, 30% vanity and 30% normalcy. Those seem like scientifically accurate estimates, don’t you think?

Seriously, though. Read a youthology review for a glimpse into the seamier underbelly of American vanity. And it doesn’t start in the middle of the heartland at church gatherings. That’s just where it plays out. But the source, like so many other negative influences, the true source of corruption…

Burt Reynolds.

No lie. Have you seen his plastic surgery. My man looks like they stretched a flesh-colored ziploc baggie over his bony ass old man cheeks. Can somebody get him one of those Watchmen Rorschach masks or something?

Please?

Since I’ve been doing all this writing about old time radio shows like Harry Lime and The Shadow, and the late, great Orson Welles, I am reminded of another interesting old time…well, event I should talk about. While working on my undergraduate thesis I got very involved in the study of literary hoaxes. That’s a whole other topic, but this line of research eventually led my to the Geritol quiz show scandal in the late 50s. It was discovered at that time that Producers on the show were giving answers to preferred contestants. There were investigations, some lives were ruined, and none of the rich bad guys suffered.

In the mid-90s, Robert Redford made a movie about it all. And, actually, its a very good movie. I know this because I researched the events and watched a number of documentaries about the scandal while I was in college. Several years later, I caught the film on a movie channel and thoroughly enjoyed it (Rob Morrow’s atrocious Boston accent aside).

At the time, Geritol was the sponsor, and had a reigning national tonic to help you age better, lose weight, stay regular, cleanse your body, heal everything, cure zombie-ism, lube your chassis and anything else you wanted it to do. They wanted drama. They wanted characters you could either love or hate, characters you would tune it to either cheer for or against. They sanctioned the producers to manipulate the contestant pool to heighten drama and weed out the less desirables.

They had a long run with Herb Stempel, a brash, working-class Jew from Brooklyn who could virtually sweat on command. John Turturro is fantastic in the role – trust me, I saw a lot of interviews with this guy. The real kicker, however, is when they lassoed Charles Van Doren, product of one of America’s great literary families, and a popular Columbia University professor, and made him an American folk hero.

If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a thinky movie, sure, but it’s also true. It’s all true. It reveals a dark but persistent and very, very real aspect of our popular culture. And if you think anything has improved since the 50s…think again.

Old Time Radio is a favorite subject of mine, and an enjoyable pastime that almost no one seems to share with me. Nevertheless, for me, Old Time Radio and Orson Welles go hand in hand. It should come as no surprise, really. I mean, the War of the Worlds Halloween prank gone wrong is a well-enough-known story, and the tales are true.

A number of people tuning in late to the program did not hear the disclaimer at the beginning and believed it was a real news broadcast. This may sound far-fetched today, but if you listen to a lot of Old Time Radio, you can see (or hear) how the Mercury Theater actors gave a performance that sounded like the standard radio fare of the day, and thus, sounded “real.”

But the Mercury Theater on air was only one of the many radio programs Orson Welles was involved with. In fact, he was so in demand as a radio actor that he had trouble travelling across Manhattan from one radio broadcast station to another. Taxis couldn’t cut through NYC traffic fast enough for him to make all the live broadcasts he wanted to take part in.

Then he discovered a loophole in city traffic laws. It seems you didn’t have to be sick to hire an ambulance. So he traveled about the city in a private ambulance, sirens blaring, from appointment to appointment.

Wouldn’t you love to be a cop pulling that dude over.

Cop: What do you mean you’re not sick?
Orson: I’m a famous radio performer going to work.
Cop: You what?!?!
Orson: Just kidding, I just read a some kick ass colonix reviews and think I should check it out before I start gaining weight in my forties and max out at 350 pounds.
Cop: Carry on, chubby.

Speaking of the late great Mr. Welles brings to mind a few great quotes…or, paraphrases maybe, because it has been quite a few years since I took a legit film class. But there were many. Many, indeed, and I used to actually think that these anecdotes made me interesting to the opposite sex. Of course, now I know better. Ask my wife…I barely ever ramble on about this stuff.

That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

Anyway…things he said:

• I’m not very fond of movies. I don’t go to them much.
• I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.
• I started at the top and worked down.
• I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
• My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

That last is a favorite knowing how he blew up late in life. I don’t even think glucomannan could have stopped this guy. His regular dinner? Two steaks, rare, and a pint of scotch.

And I read somewhere that he actually put on weight for Touch of Evil. Wooo-hooo. No meat and potatoes for this bed and breakfast man…just meat and meat. And booze. And meat.

(cue zither music)
That’s the shot that killed Harry Lime, as those of you who saw the movie The Third Man know…

Ah, another old time radio treat I’ve been enjoying of late. The Lives of Harry Lime, a show Orson Welles did for a couple of seasons…somewhat after his Citizen Kane/Shadow prime, but long before his fat burner Touch of Evil days.

First of all, if you haven’t seen The Third Man, get off your butt and Netflix that baby. It’s a classic. Orson makes a late and magnificent appearance in the flick, but Joseph Cotten as the confused American in Vienna trying to figure out what happened to his old roommate is pure gold. This film had to be one of Hitchcock’s favorites.

This particular radio show ran from 1951-52, following the film’s release in 1949. The great thing (and I admit this may sound like a plot spoiler, but really, are you going to take my advice and see this wonderful film?) is that Harry Lime is a dead man in The Third Man. Yup. Dead as a doornail. So, this radio show, conceived after Graham Greene’s novel and screenplay, all takes place before the events of the film. How swell can you get?

As we plunge headlong into the holidays, I know thoughts of plasma screens and wall mounts and Wii games are jousting with the remembrance of acts of mercy and redemption…and there’s that 24 hour Christmas Story marathon to think about… But there’s something nipping at my nose and it ain’t Jack Frost. I keep hearing all this nonsense about anti-Christmas sentiment, and it is getting on my nerves. I’m not going to get into the religious, mythological, sociological or simple cultural “reasons for the seasons” because let’s face it, there is single satisfactory response. I mean, you may think there is, but there’s not. This holiday seasons has roots that extend back many thousands of years, and no single race, creed, religion, belief system, or soft drink can claim full credit.

All that aside, I want to focus on something way more substantial than whether people say “Merry Christmas” versus “Happy Holidays” or something along those lines. First of all, if someone chooses to say something other than Merry Christmas, it does not mean that they hate Christmas or hate your religious beliefs or are persecuting you in any way. It may simply mean that they don’t know if YOU celebrate Christmas and are being sensitive to your potential cultural differences. Maybe you should take that as an object lesson.

Here’s something else to consider. I know a lot of people who celebrate Christmas. They are religious and kind and wonderful, but they do not say Merry Christmas for one simple reason. They do not feel joy at this time of year. They are not haters. They just have dealt with losses like a death in the family, and the holidays bring up sad memories. So, they are not feeling particularly joyous. Maybe all those good Christmas lovers should realize that their insensitivity is just making it more difficult for others.

Here’s another thought - many of the people who do not say Merry Christmas at this time of year also do not regularly say “Please” or “Thank you” or “Excuse me,” and most of them probably don’t use their turn signals. I am WAY less concerned about the seasonal greeting and way more interested in experiencing some common courtesy. How ’bout you?

I did enjoy the Wolverine movie. That was pretty good, but I had this thought at the end. There’s a shot where they pan hard away and into the clouds. It starts in close up on Wolverine and pulls up and away until he is a speck, and then totally invisible and clouds wash the screen. My first thought as the shot began was, “hey, here’s a nice helicopter shot.” Then I did a mental hand slap to the forehead. Duh, nobody uses helicopters anymore. It’s all CGI, and as a result, a little too pat.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that CGI is an absolute necessity for modern special effects and a movie like Wolverine just couldn’t be great without. I mean, it would require a very different script to make a modern superhero movie without mega CGI effects.

Still, one of the details I loved about the Tom Jane Punisher movie a few years ago was how they handled the action. In the extra features they have a stunt piece in which they discuss their aversion to CGI, at least in that film. If a car crashes in the film, it really crashed. Not just ‘virtual’ crashing. and believe me, if you haven’t seen the movie, you will see what I’m talking about when you do. The success of such feats, of course, require actors and crew that are willing to train and rehearse and work together. Maybe that’s why a guy with a supercomputer and a software development background and a more or less unlimited budget is somehow more desirable.

I should mention that the good Punisher is not to be confused with the more recent War Zone Punisher which sucked for its crappy implementation of special effects and derivative nonsense that just didn’t hold up. Kind of like the awful Observe and Report and my pick for all-time worst waste of film, The Cooler. I will have to blog about that piece of crap some time.