4 Square 4 Real

Noah got up at 3:30 this morning, and since Carol did the last two ridiculously early mornings, I felt somewhat obligated to drag my sorry butt out of bed. So we ended up watching Boomerang this morning. I know that not everybody gets Boomerang, but we do – gotta love DirecTV. It’s chock full of old 60s, 70s and 80s cartoon shows. If you get lucky you can catch classics like Banana Splits, The Jetsons, Mr. T, Pac-Man, The Snorks…Excellent stuff. And with very few exceptions, it is commercial free.

Anyway, I noticed something interesting during the opening of The Jetsons. First, in the upper left corner there was a big TV-G rating box. Then, there was a Closed Captioning logo in the upper right. Of course, the persistent little Boomerang logo dingbat was down in the right. These three spots reminded me how many stations now run promos during programming in the lower left corner, often eating up a third or more of the screen.

All we need now is something to pop up in the center of the screen and those writers can be on strike forever.

But anything would be better than reality TV.

Seriously, what has reality TV given us? Adultery, criminal behavior, greed, consumption of animal sex organs. Oh yeah, and fat, ugly, untalented people singing, dancing, acting or trying to seduce surgically enhanced potential sex partner(s).

Hey, I have an idea for a show. We’ll call it Diagnosis: America. It’s a simple premise. Set up cameras in the offices of Doctors sharing a particularly nasty diagnosis. In comes the patient with a spouse, children, parents, or whatever. You see the lips quivering, the eyes swollen with anxious tears. You can cut the tension with a spoon. Is it good news or bad? Does she have colon cancer or does she just need more fiber in her diet? We’ll find out after this word from our sponsors – Metamucil and Outback Steakhouse.

You think it sounds tasteless? Sure it does. But if some cocksucker Fox intern who only needs 8 more credits to finish that Communications degree at Pace reads this in the next few weeks I guarantee it’ll be a Summer replacement. Trust me. It’ll be like House with crappier office furniture, doctor’s with bald spots, and little to no sexual tension. But plenty of drama. You could even place bets on it. Or use the show as a drinking game. Pick your own cues, but I suggest anytime a doctor says something like, “this is the hardest part of my job” it’s a social.

And if that doesn’t work for you, here’s an alternative for you lovers of the funny home video shows: America’s Funniest Funerals. I tell you, no matter how many times you watch that sobbing senior stumble into the open casket…well, it never stops being funny to me.

Solve my riddle!

I was scanning the CNN site earlier to catch up on recent headlines. I noticed in the lower right portion of my screen there was a list of recommended articles based on my browsing history. Now you might expect my top pick to be something about jerkoff drivers, Oprah’s sex toys, conservative hypocrisy…you know, the standards. But instead, article number one, the thing CNN thought I would be most interested in reading…

Dad denies throwing kids off bridge

I couldn’t help but wonder why CNN thought I would be interested in this very specific piece. What in my browsing profile led them to this bit of detection? Do I look like the kind of guy who’d even consider bridge chucking? I will be the first to admit that I’ve raised my voice with my children. Once in a while. But I never even considered throwing them off a bridge. I never even mentioned it. Okay, maybe once I threatened to leave them under the bridge with the grumpy old troll, but hasn’t everyone?

(I hope that somebody gets the Dora reference – or do I watch too much Nick Jr?)