The Big “O”

I recently made a comment on my pal flygrrl’s Decapitating Shadows blog. Her post What’s Wrong With Oprah was thought provoking and interesting. And I couldn’t help but add my 2 cents. In fact, I had to edit out about 7/8 of my rant, leaving behind a froth of commentary so lengthy it probably firghtened flygrrl into thinking I was trying to hijack her blog. Or maybe, to “blogjack” her.

Blogjack – I just precedented that. (If you haven’t read the Daily Show America book by now, you should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing what I’m talking about.)

Anyway, last night while hacking and coughing my way through a sleepless night with the cold Noah gave me, I was reminded of a night maybe 2 weeks ago when I was hacking and coughing my way through the cold Jake had given me. That night, a little worse than last night, I went downstairs for some medicine and tea and TV. I forget exactly what time it was, but it was around 3 AM. Flipping through the DirecTV channels in the Nickelodeon/Disney Channel/Cartoon Network range (I was in the playroom after all) I flipped past the Oprah channel. 

Something almost caught my attention, and when it registered about 10 seconds later, I headed back. Sure enough, my eyes had not betrayed me. There were two young women, probably in their mid to late 20s. One blond, one brunette. They were passing around a translucent orange length of rubber and smiling, sitting on a comfy couch. I turned the volume up and heard something that…well, kind of surprised me. I will paraphrase:

Brunette: It’s my favorite size for a dong. Really, just right.
Blond: And look at the material. It’s smooth and soft (poking it) and it’s stiff (bending it) but not too rigid.
Brunette: Exactly. It has a really natural feel. And look at this. I love this suction cup.
Blond: That’s my favorite part. You can stick it down in the bathtub and and really rock on it, hands free.

I think my chin hit the floor. This was not paid programming. This was a scheduled program, in the digital guide with a more detailed description than most network shows. That’s right, the O Channel is selling sex toys. I watched for 10 minutes. I saw specials on all sizes and colors of “dongs” – apparently the O Channel’s preferred label for a dildo. I saw Jackrabbits and Vibrators and all manner of insertion devices. I saw a great many tools that bore some resemblance to a crab claw, with one primary poker, and a shorter, secondary poker. The purpose of the primary was obvious, but I learned that the secondary could be used for either clitoral stimulation OR anal stimulation depending on your preference.

You hear that ladies? It’s all in your hands. Quite literally. 

And even though the O Channel has a reputation for skewing toward programming for the ladies, I want you to know, they had some pretty impressive toys for boys. Lots of rubber things, some shaped like balls, some shaped like…I don’t know what. They all shared a similar detail at one end. I am reminded of the work of Georgia O’Keeffe…

But I was totally floored by the completely waterproof, cordless “Stroker.” It looked a lot like the black plastic extension tubes on our vaccuum. Apparently the gentleman simply inserts his member in one end of the Stroker, pushes a button, and voila. The hostesses were particularly encouraging, suggesting that every lady watching buy one for the man in her life.

“Remember, it is cordless and TOTALLY waterproof, so he can jump in the shower, take care of business and he’s good to go for the day.”

 Well, well, well. And Christmas is only a month away…

The Best Man

I’ve been kind of blog-neglectful lately. Busy busy busy. That’s my excuse. I haven’t even mentioned how the Jeep got rear-ended after the Sheep and Wool Festival, but if you read my wifey’s blog, you already know about it. I’m sure I’ll get around to it in time. I’m going to try to get back into the sharing a little more regularly, and I have the best of reasons to start. My brother in law just got married, and I was the Best Man!

I’m definitely going to tell you about the Bachelor Party day thing we did a few weeks ago because it was a cool time with some good stories. It might even turn into another multipart epic like the infamous (or incredibly irritating – depends on your outlook) “I Fought the Law” series, but no promises.

So, this past Saturday, Mikey married Kathy and it was just lovely. The whole thing went down at St Michael’s Church in East Longmeadow. I really hit it off with the pastor of the church – that’s a whole other story involving a lot of denim, condescension, and moving furniture during the ceremony. But I didn’t hit him. That’s the important thing. And I barely cursed in the church, a personal triumph.

I did have to make a toast at the reception, and it wasn’t too bad. Sure there were hisses and people were telling me to shut up and drink, but I felt good. I actually spent some time preparing my remarks, and wanted to share some of the opening lines I chose not to go with. So here, without further ado, is my list of Wedding Reception Toast openers that did not make it into the final cut.

1. As we raise our glass in honor of Mike and Kathy, I need to ask one thing… CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!?!
2. Love between a man and a woman is a special thing. Not five dollar bills in a g-string, lapdance special, but still…pretty damn special.
3. Hey you in the wheelchair! I don’t care whose Grandmother you are, you want to shut the hell up? I’m making a fucking toast here.
4. Did you guys remember to wear your special underwear for the big night? I know I did. (At this point I would drop my pants and show myself off in a pair of crotchless panties, but Vicky’s Secret doesn’t carry my size – what’s up with that?)
5. Is anybody ready for some magic? Alright. For my first trick I’m going to need two volunteers, a razor blade and a hundred dollar bill. Where are the cards? Let’s see some cash.

I really did think a magic show would have been funny, but probably not too practical. Still, I’ve got a pen through bill trick that’s a real mind blower.

I admit it, I chickened out. No magic. No raunchy sex. Now Grandma insults. But it was still an okay talk.

Mega means great

I have a new email friend. Her name is Ronda Temple. She has a middle initial, but for some reason it keeps changing. I’m not sure how she found me, but I have to tell you, Ronda is full of all sorts of great information. Did you know, for example, that mega means great? She told me that. She also told me that “penis pills make ya dick stand tall like the eiffel tower” right after asking “can you fuck for hours? i dont think so”

Boy Ronda, you know me so well. And yes, you’re right. I can’t fuck for hours. Not that I wouldn’t like to try. But with the 2 year old getting up at 4:30 AM every day, and the wife and I switching off late nights at work so we rarely see each other before 9:30. I mean, do the math. If we fuck for hours, when are we going to sleep? No time for foreplay, and no time to get her blind drunk. Come on Ronda, what do I do?

It bums me out because this new “development” Ronda keeps emailing me about (over and over and over again) called MegaDik seems like a real bit of wholesome, family fun. (Remember what mega means.)  She says it so eloquently, I’ll let her tell the tale:

Did you always wanted to be satisfied with an ordinary penis and ordinary women? We doubt that. So we offer something special to you. Mega is translated “great”. And this new development MegaDik makes your penis simply great!
Take it and find pleasure in your new successes with women! You.ll be so pleasantly surprised…

MegaDik is your fortune!

Indeed. My fortune. Now if only MegaDik would make Noah sleep past 6, because I’d really like to have a penis that is simply great. Who wouldn’t?