Is Your Baby Gay?

I’ve been silent for a while. No reason, just been a little busy. And no really good license plates lately. Though DEBS TRK (a Ford F350 supersized pickup) had a funny sticker, words surrounding a giant Ford logo: Bad ass ladies don’t drive Mercedes. She had another sticker of a cowboy on a horse (maybe a cowgirl with mannish hair) next to a bull. No lie, it kind of looked like the horse was mounting the bull. I think it was an optical illusion, but it did kind of look like Deb was riding a horse trying to ride a bull. Hee hee. Go Deb.

Which brings me to my next point. Is your baby gay? If this concerns you (which it should, right?) then you can drop everything and for only $19.99, get the definitive answer from Is My Baby Gay .com. I’m not linking to it because I spent a minute and a half on the site and these donkey fuckers do not appear to be kidding. See, you make your kid lick a piece of paper (not just any paper, you have to print a page from their site and press your infant’s tongue to a circle – don’t salivate outside the circle), mail the paper to these bags of shit and they will somehow use the magic of science (or perhaps some sort of Divine Communication – they don’t really say) to tell you if your kid is gay or not. Even better, there’s a 150% refund if they’re wrong!

Somebody shoot me in the head. This is worse than prime time Bingo – and that’s saying a hell of a lot. How sick is this. First, who is the warped ass who came up with this idea. Second, who are the completely fucked parents who are mailing this crap in with their $20. And don’t scoff, you know people are doing it. This kind of nonsense really does make me ill, though. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t think it’s a joke. I mean, at first I thought it was really funny. Then I realized they’re not kidding. At least I don’t think they’re kidding. Oh man, please let them be kidding.

Here’s what we need to do. We need to all send in saliva samples, maybe a few blank sheets just to test their system too. Or better yet, get your dog to lick it – but don’t let him or her lick outside the circle. You may end up with an inconclusive result. Then, everyone who gets a negative needs to file a claim in a few weeks.

Dear shitbags! You sed my kid was not gay but you were rong. He refuses to particimpat in jim class and only wants to dance ballay. He sings and has expersed sirius intrest in crochet. Your test was shit and I am very disastified. I want my money back. I sent 20 bucks and I want my 150% back. I will expext 25 bucks in the mail very soon or you will be hereing from my brother who is also a attorney.

Or maybe your daughter expresses too much interest in Tonka trucks and dodgeball. Whatever. We need to take these fuckers out!

Oh please let this be a joke…

[sigh]